Being a mum sucks...feeling a failure AGAIN!

[helsbels26]

Hi

I'm a longtime poster, under yet another name as I feel like crap today.

I love my DC I really do but find them so challenging. The youngest DS (3) is going through a really difficult stage, he was the placcid one and in this last week, not sure its the heat has turned into a real monster. Tantrums, hitting his older DS (6) and not doing anything he is told. His DD is equally as difficult, the amount of times I have to repeat myself and this pseudo US twang that she puts on drives me up the wall! When they're in the garden I often wonder what neighbours think as all they seem to do is bicker and then we tell them off. I'm dreading weekend as some of DD friends are coming over for a BBQ and am expecting battles and embarrassment with my naughty DC, no one elses DC seem as bad as mine.

Every night DH and I collapse into a heap after they've finally gone to sleep as we've had another crazy day. They are poor sleepers and we face bedtime battles with both. They usually don't go to sleep till past 9pm (situation worsened when they went to stay at DH folks) and we have to stay with them in their bedrooms till they sleep.

I feel like I'm losing my head again (previously received counselling for MH issues) and have no discipline/ control over them. I really do want to run away. Just wanted to sound off on here as feeling really really terrible today.

I remember this stage with a sinking exhausted feeling but think you may be making a rod for your own back by staying in their rooms until they are asleep. I think that just makes a long day even longer. You still have time to change this and I would do it ASAP. Have to dash to an appointment but will come back later. Remember this stage will end soon!

thanks for the reply fragglewump, I can't bear the screaming and tears (as I said screaming sounds awful and worried the neighbours will call social services) hence we sit with them.

It's awful the challenging behaviour, DS has decided he doesn't want to get dressed and is demanding I buy him a racing car toy today?!?

I have lost control of my DC, I think I need a supernanny! In all seriousness I'm really getting upset about this, feel like I have delinquent kids!

hels

I think due to MH issues you are seeing this is worse than it is, put another way when you are down and depressed its all a million times harder

I have similar with my 2 year old
have been down (depressed) recently and I am SURE he has picked up on it
"I dont love you Mummy, I love daddy"
massive tantrums and fights, and he is strong
as I have been down I am enageging with him less, anjd he has tuirned from my baby to, a little boy that seems to hate me

if you are struggling get a good parenting book from amazon, read it and do it!

you are not alone

thanks, I'm really fed up of them not listening to me. Trying to sort the toy clutter and have discovered so many broken toys.

Does anyone have any techniques for disciplining children that don't involve shouting/ screaming like a crazy mum??

The only thing I can suggest is try and detach. Ignore as much as possible.
I remember when mine were 3 and 4. It was a nightmare. But a lot of the time for mine, it was about attention. If they screamed and hit each other and refused to do things then they got attention.
And, yes of course they get attention at other times but this is a sure fire way of getting it right now IYSWIM

I found that actually not paying attention to the tantrums helped because they were not getting what they wanted.

And FWIW it may seem that no one else has DCs as naughty as yours. But they do. Trust me on that. There are no parents that have angelic children who never do anything wrong. But the more you worry about their behaviour around other people, the more it is magnified to you.

So it seems worse than it actually is because you are so worried and waiting for them to misbehave and embarrass you.

thanks tantrums, my anxiety and paranoia gets magnified when they misbehave.

I'll try and ignore and see what happens, their screaming will drive me insane though! How did you deal with them when they didn't do as they were told? I've tried naughty step and banning toys but doesn't work!

I'm really grateful for support on here.

I bacame the queen of sticker charts. I used them for everything, getting dressed, brushing teeth, sitting at the table, going to bed. And instant rewards, so they didnt have to wait all week for a treat, if they ticked off all theri things in the morning, the after school they got a reward, so half an hour in the park, riding scooters, a cake, a favourite TV programme, whatever they picked out of the treat box. I had the treat box and they took turns to pick one thing out, and we did that. Otherwise they would have been arguing over the reward.

I find naughty step works well for me. If ds does something like hitting he goes straight in, if he is throwing toys he gets one warning , if he is just being defiant , I.e. get your shoes please ds which he greets with silence he gets a count of three and then goes on.

Originally though it was one warning and straight on step unless he was hitting or dangerous then he went straight on.

Also when you know you want him to do things like going to bed give him a 10 min and 5 min warning for bed so he knows its coming.

Reward charts I find are great for teaching new skills but you need get a baseline of discipline in place first. Be strong, it really is short term pain to correct these things. Be consistant and keep calm. Look at supernanny website for more techniques too. Good luck

Hi Hels - I could so be you except my 2 are younger but it's my DD (4 next week) who is doing exactly the same kind of thing. I am in my own and feel that instead of having loving, quality time with her, i am a screeching banshee DS is only 18m so just potters about at the moment but am worried he'll get there soon enough!

I presume it's age (although she is also coping with some big changes at home) but it WILL pass...

I find ignoring really hard but know i need to start doing it because I'm finding myself sinking to her level which is ridiculous (not tantrumming as such but being insistent with my POV in a similar way that she is, iykwim!) Not good for either of us!

Thanks again, your support has been great.

hi tantrums - will look at getting sticker/ reward charts and immediate treat, makes a change from punishing/shouting.

hi bluestar - I like the idea of warnings before bedtime too. tried naughty step but DS jumps off and think he is too restless to stay on.

I'll look at supernanny website too, does it have bedtime routines too?

Gosh with all my moaning I wish I had a magic wand to make perfect DC!

Slittysluttyslots (funny name!love it!). That is me too, why am I arguing with this child??

I hope things pan out positively for you too, good luck x

Tall to the neighbours if you are doing something to tackle the DC sleep issues. Anyone reasonable will understand and it will be one more worry off your mind.

Think it does have sleep methods on there.

Think with timeout / naughty step etc is they will always be met with resistance. Your ds's restlessness is probably him pushing boundaries. Keep placing him back, don't engage at all in conversation and start the time again. It does work but it really tries your patience in the early days. It's hard going but all I can offer issue my experience that it really does work with my 3 year old.

Meant to say, your not a rubbish mum, we all have phases like this so don't beat yourself up
Turkeyboots, like your idea of letting neighbours know

Our neighbours are not directly next door, our garden backs on to the back gardens on another street if that makes sense, thanks for the advice though.

They've gone out with my mum so tidying at the moment. I really hope as they get older they get better but at the moment it feels hell!

focius on positive, reward positive behviou (can be "well done for eating nicely" - go overboard on finding positive things to say.

and ignore the bad (unles sit is actually dangerous and you need to shout to avoid an accident) .

ask hv about parenting courses to go on locally (if only to meet other stressed parents)

dont shout. try and talk in calm measured voice . get down to tehir level and talk quietly explaining what it is you want them to do