Helping DD deal with EA dad with added ...ahem... dependency issues (long)

[spudalicious]

Forgive me mumsnet if I ramble. It's the rage I think.

Here's the state of play:

I left my EA husband and alcohol dependent husband several months ago on the day he decided to pick DD (7) up from school so drunk he couldn't stand up straight.

I went to court shortly after and got interim residence and prohibited steps orders. These were recently, on return to court, made final.

My DD and I live back in our house now.

So far, so dandy, right?

Up until now I have facilitated contact on an extremely reasonable basis between ex and DD as she wants to see her dad. He has, as far as I can tell, generally maintained his side of the bargain (enshrined in court order) to remain sober before and during contact. He has contact at our house generally because he isn't currently living somewhere suitable. As he has seemed sober I have taken to going out while they spend time together as the situation can often turn unpleasant between us if I don't.

This evening he turned up and I suspected he had been drinking. He denied it vigorously but I was unconvinced. He wasn't overtly drunk and I took the stupid decision to allow contact to go ahead as DD wanted to spend time with her dad.

1 hour in, and I'm still not sure why, but he decided to flounce off with no warning. DD had sought me out to ask me a question and then he appeared to announce he was leaving because there was 'no point him being there'. DD, understandably burst into tears, then he did and started shouting at me 'Look what you've done! This is all your fault' DD got more and more upset so I asked him to leave and he went to go, at which point she got more upset. He didn't leave, although I was asking him (as matter of factly as I could) to do so. Still crying and hanging onto DD he shouted 'Your mum took me to court!', 'It's all her fault', 'She thinks I might steal you away!' (please note the reason I think this is because he told me he would if I ever left him) and various other things - all directed at me, all blaming me and all quite sweary.

Eventually I got him to leave, with DD physically fighting me so she could try and make him stay because she 'didn't want him to leave when he was so sad'.

I managed to calm her down, with a little help from a friend and discussed the situation as best I could. I now know he has in addition told her 'he is sad and it is all mummy's decision', and that 'he has no money' and lives in a 'horrible place'.

Now obviously I can see this for the vile emotional manipulation it is, but it is SO upsetting my DD that I feel I have no choice but to issue an ultimatum. Essentially: 'cut that shit out or see her much more rarely/not at all'.

My problems/questions are:

1. That's not BU right?
2. Most importantly, how to I make DD understand why I am doing what I am doing without making it seem like her dad is rotten?
3. And not seem like the worst mum in the world for not letting her have the thing she wants most?
4. Help her learn to recognise what this is and how to cope with it?

He refuses to recognize that any of his behaviour was unreasonable. He refuses to accept the reasons I left. Despite my good relationship with my daughter, after today I am terrified he will turn her against me, at least enough to make her believe everything is my fault.

I'm also utterly paranoid that I am completely identifiable.... especially if my next door neighbour is a mumsnet lurker. If so

Well done so far.

I'm only butting in to say, you need to think how harmful it is for your DD to see her father at your house. It should be a place of safety and refuge for her, from his behaviour that is being taken away when he enters it.

She is very young, his behaviour is taking away her right to be a child. You need to give her back the right to be a child and looked after, you can make decisions for her well being and safety. You need to ensure that everyone who looks after her knows about the PSO.

Dozer - parental reward charts come with the warning that they turn the most laid back child into a power crazed dictator when it comes to sticker dispensing time.

Fan - they sound v. similar. Massive sympathy to you for having to put up with this sort of crap.

Contact centre for sure. They were made for situations exactly like yours.

Make it clear he is not to come to your home. Does he part own it ?
Then if he turns up drunk you lock door and call police.
If he starts shouting abuse you call police. Ask neighbour to record what she saw in your journal or notebook. And date and sign.

Don't worry about dd seeing just tell her calmly that daddy is shouting too much and police will help him by explaining shouting is not good behaviour. You could talk to her generally about what is good behaviour what isn't . Do you shout at her or allow her to shout ? if.not why not? Let her work it out.

Also talk to her about adults being responsible for adult things like if they happy or sad and it is not her job to look after dad. That if dad is sad he can find special adults to talk to. It is his job to do that. Hers is to be a child.

Visit local contact centres ours was fine and ex was on best behaviour there which good for dc. (didn't last when it moved on but that is long story)? Advantage is the witnesses there and possibility to have some else take dd in to see him thereby avoiding contact with you.

Change your mobile keep existing number just for him to text on a payg.

You're doing really well in the face of tough circumstances, spud.

Not much to add, just that when I know my ex is being particularly emotionally manipulative to dd, I say to her: "Grown ups look after children. Children don't look after grown ups". No exaggeration, I can see her little shoulders sag with relief. I don't have to explicitly make it about her dad - she knows.

Contact centres are good, but a short-term solution only. I try to avoid face-to-face handovers, but sometimes I'm stuck with them anyway, so they are always in a public place. It helps a bit. I would never be alone with him in a private place, with or without dd present.