Father wants access to children-what to do???? please any help

[givemeavodka]

Hi, I have posted here ages ago when I needed help leaving my husband- I finally did last may 2012, and moved back to Cornwall.
Brief history- bad abusive marriage/ controlling/ he treatened to kill himself if I left and one said ' he may as well kill the kids!!'. His safety issues around the house were always bad, fire arms left out, hunting knifes, didn't always use seatbelts with boys in car. His did not do much of the childcare when we were together , practically nothing. he pushed me across the room one one occasion and pinned me down on another, and threatened to rape me on two occasions.
Anyway that was then.
Now he has another girlfriend who has moved in - poor her!!
Who I have not met.

He wants my 3 ds aged 7, 5 and 3 to come and stay with him for a week?? What should I do.
He has been to see them only on their birthdays. He did not send any xmas presents or a present for my last ds's birthday!
I am currently going through with the Divorce.

Should I let them stay with him? ( I will be very concerned and on tenderhooks at the thought of them staying with him)
Do I have to let him have them?
They do want to stay with their Dad.
Any advice welcomed.
Thanks

No, I don't think you should. If he is interested on seeing them it should be in a contact centre.

Have you got a solicitor?

Get some legal advice.

He can't just not see them and then demand to take them away for a week even if he treated them well. He would have to build up the amounts of the contact first from short and regular to overnights to weekends and he should build a relationship with them first before introducing a new partner.

So in over a year he has not had regular contact and now, after being pushed by current gf he wants to play father of the week?

Before he can have any over night contact, he needs to make an effort to regular contact. If he doesn't like this, he can go through the legal system who will tell him the same.

No. You cannot trust him. In this case you need to make the decision for your kids and go against their wishes.

I think you need to say no - he has to establish proper regular contact for the sake of the DC and only after that's going smoothly could you even consider a full week.

I wouldn't let him anywhere near them unsupervised no!!!! He sounds like a dangerous man

I bloody wouldn't.

I think he should have supervised access at least!

there are massive red flags around his ability to keep them safe, as well as the abusive behaviour towards you and the threats to hurt them. I agree, the only contact you could reasonably be expected to agree to is supervised in a contact centre, at least until CAFCASS carry out a risk assessment.

he will probably give up if he has to trail all the way across the country, and can't show off to the new gf.

regular email and phone contact is important though, they need to know who he is and have a sense of that part of themselves. (accept this is trickier for a 3 y/ro).

is skype a possibility?

He's had spotty contact for over a year, he needs to get to know them all over again and be more regular with seeing them for short periods before he gets unsupervised and then overnight. The 3 year old will hardly even remember living with him.
I second or third the idea of seeing the solicitor about any contact.

You need to build up to something like that.

If you have safety concerns hen start off with little and often and perhaps supervised.

For th children's sake he needs to build a proper relationship with them, and this means regular contact. You can increase this gradually.

But from what you've said, I would say no to jumping to a visit like this.

Thanks guys for all your advice. It all seems pretty much along the same lines of what I should do. I am seeing my solicitor next week I will ask her. At first he called like clockwork every Sunday but this sadly tapered off to sometimes every month or so. The boys don't always want to speak to him but I know they do love him.
He didn't even all on xmas day, i waited until about 5pm then we called him!

He says that he will take me to court if need be if I won't let them stay with him.

Hi, I don't think it is safe for him to have unsupervised contact after what you said about when you were there.

I also think you know that "I will be very concerned and on tenderhooks at the thought of them staying with him".

Say no and say that he will have to apply to the courts.

Get CAFCASS onboard.

Good luck,

he has basically threatened to kill your children in the past and now he thinks you should send them to stay with him for a week?

supervised contact only. if that. (i can't imagine that having a person like this in their lives will be of any benefit to them, at all).

I don't mean to be alarmist, honestly I don't, but remember that news article recently about the father in France who, on his first period of contact alone with his child in ages (or since they split up it may have been) murdered their child?

Just be careful. If he has threatened stuff in the past then I would resist it as long as possible, make him jump through all hoops necessary and then build it up slowly, preferably supervised.

Thanks everybody for your comments.
Nothing has been arranged yet, I think I will take some advice from a professional, I still don't know what the right thing to do by children is to do. I want them to see their dad and for them to have a relationship with them but I am very concerned about their welfare and safety and whether or not he can actually look after them.

You need to seek legal advice asap.

This is all about power and control really.
It seems that he is still trying to call the shots even though you have now thankfully separated. This could well be another way on his part of getting back at you for leaving him, he's further punishing you.

Children love parents no matter how abusive. What would they actually get from a relationship with their dad?. These children do have a right to have a relationship with their dad but their dad is abusive so all bets are off. This man showed no real interest in them when he was actually with them. Your role here is to protect them from such a malign influence.

No way should he have the kids overnight. In fact I wouldn't allow him unsupervised access at all, not with the way he behaves.

Definitely do as PP have said and get legal advice.

I have a somewhat similar problem.
I still can't trust exH with DS, with the added issue of living in different countries.
Let him take you to court if he wants.
My default position would be (is) to facilitate contact as much as possible within reason, but no unsupervised visits.

He said about killing the kids?

Game over.

It's part of an abusers MO. He IS abusive, ergo, not beyond the realms of possibility for him to do it.

Say NO.

He's only doing this to pretend to GF that he's a decent bloke.

He's not, so the sooner she realises that, the better.

Children have a right to a relationship with their parents, yes, but they have a right, expectation and indeed entitlement for the parent's protection above all else.

He's abusive, he has no rights to anything once he's gone there imvho.