do trial separations help rebuild a sexless marriage?

[jan5]

After 30 years together and being in our early 50's my husband left me shell shocked by asking this weekend if we could have a secret trial separation. He will get a job and flat in another part of the country and come home for weekends most of the time. He wants me to stay in the family home and act as if nothing is amiss so that we do not upset our grown up children or family and friends until/unless we have to. He worries that the children he loves will be hurt unnecessarily and no longer adore him if they find out. He assures me there is no-one else and I have no reason to doubt that.
The working away from home was not a surprise as we have discussed this before and it will make him feel happier about his work and get him a last promotion to keep him working until he retires, so I had already gone along with that anyway.
Our last child left home a year ago and we have always had an intermittent sex life, with me wanting to work on ways to get it back on track but him reluctant unless it was his idea to go for counselling. I knew we needed to work on things and that neither of us was happy with the ways things were sex wise but I hoped we could work on it together, rather than by putting 500 miles between us.
He says that he still loves me and is happy with the friendship and team ness of our relationship, but unless he has the space to get a perspective on our relationship he will not be able to work out if he values what he has enough with me to stay together. He thinks the time apart might make him appreciate our marriage and me more and he wants to work on saving it. He says that if he stays he will never be able to have sex with me again because he just isn't interested but if he goes and does decide he values us enough he will choose to return and work on intimacy.
I don't want to throw away 30 years or lose the person that I love but am I being a mug giving him space? Is there any chance he will value the ordinary and familiar me over the exciting new life? Or should I just accept that he thinks this is a good way of letting me down gently and preparing his kids for the inevitable? I want to be my usual loyal and supportive self but it is a challenge as I feel like my heart is being broken in slow motion. I would really appreciate an independent point of view as I am torn between waves of bewilderment, grief, anger, hope and loss and cannot get my head round it. What is he really asking for?

Sorry, but it's just not adding up with me....

I (and this is only my opinion) think he is looking for a legitimate way to do something he probably shouldn't be doing.

I hope he sees sense sometimes a break is not a good thing in my case its a shitty thing to happen

He is asking a heck of a lot; you should not have to accept this at all.

Don't think your grown up children would readily counsel you to accept such a suggestion from him. They perhaps wonder why you have stayed together for so long and would also wonder what he is really up to.

He wants to have sex with other women and maintain the image of a respectable married man. Basically this is all about what he wants, but what do you want? I'm afraid that if your answer is 'my loving husband back' then that doesn't appear to be an option. Your choices are: Insist that he tells you the truth about other women he is seeking or having sex with, and in that case you will tell friends and family that your separation is amicable and ask them not to take sides or tell him that the marriage is over and you will not lie on his behalf. Because that's what he's asking you to do - lie to everyone and accept being put in a box marked 'Wife' for when he wants to make use of you.

I immediately thought... Definitely other woman or a (as above poster said ) legitimate way of getting with other women...

If that is not the case, then I think he is running from his problems, making it easier to split if he is already out of the mutual home. I think you giving him 500miles worth of space is far too much and he is letting you down and the grown up kids down gently

I hope your ok, and you need to seriously think about what is best for YOU, not him, not the relationship, YOU.

Good luck

I think it's a big ask. I wonder if he's just gradually withdrawing from your marriage? Perhaps he doesn't want to be "the bad guy" by taking responsibility & ending it? At the least, he is taking you for granted & at worst playing you for a fool.

I think your best option is to start building a successful separate life - and think about what your terms & conditions are if he wants to come back.

I agree with all that has been said. Are you absolutely sure there is noone else? Have you checked his phone, emails etc?

I don't think it is acceptable for him to go and lead a new life in the field of green grass whilst you are left trying to keep up appearances.

make sure you do what is best for you, noone else.

Sorry to be blunt but I think hes asking for permission to sleep with other women, and asking you to lie about it to your friends and family.

Basically he wants to try before he buys elsewhere, and keep you on the back burner in case he doesn't find what he's looking for.

Plus bring his dirty laundry back at weekends.

Dishonest and disrespectful.

Plus, is he really so much of an idiot that he thinks his adult children won't realise what he's doing?

I also think it's possible that he has at least one other woman lined up, but she is not yet committed to him (and may not have had sex or kissed or even a conversation with him) and is setting up this plan so he can come trotting back home if she tells him to piss off. What he's doing is trying to maintain a base with home comforts. This really is treating you with contempt, OP, and you would probably save yourself a lot of time, distress and energy if you just threw him out.

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for responding when I needed support. DH and I have since talked a lot and he does not want us to split up but he wants things to be different - go out together more and have fun. He still says sex is out of the question but we are going to couples counselling next week. As per your queries - in his job it is normal to work away and come home at weekends or for 2 weeks per month and two of our friends/neighbours have husbands doing exactly the same. So that in itself was not a problem and I could go and stay with him at weekends so we could do new stuff in a new place. He assures me that there is absolutely no one else real or hoped for. I don't think I am being a mug believing this as I genuinely don't know when he would fit anyone in! I still feel low because its a bit like being in limbo and we may eventually separate because more than anything we have drifted apart and become friends rather than lovers. Whatever happens think mumsnet is a great support network and thank you all.

Jan - that's a positive update and I hope things do work out for you.

Your second last sentence about being in limbo is really sad - don't leave everything up to him. If you have drifted apart and just friends and you can accept that then there is no reason why you can't make the spilt. Not sure if I am making sense or not - just want you to consider him not controlling the whole situation/outcome.

"DH and I have since talked a lot and he does not want us to split up but he wants things to be different"

He wants, he wants, he wants.... what do you want? Is this semi-detached, 'no sex please', limbo marriage what you thought you'd signed up for? If the whole thing is making you feel this low you're quite entitled to say enough's enough and call time. You don't have to trot along obeying His Lordship any more...

Agree with Cognito I dont think this is a positive update at all.

It isn't all about what DH wants - I want to have more fun and do stuff together too! I am the one who has been pushing for that too.

And 'sex out of the question'.... is that what you've been pushing for as well? Sorry OP, I think you're kidding yourself, although I can see why when there is 30 years history about to go down the toilet. You've still got your loyal, supportive wife hat on, you're desperately trying to find something positive here and, in the process, you're clutching at any random crumb he tosses your way. He's broken your heart, deprived you of affection, insulted you by questioning whether the value of your relationship (you) was worth the effort, asked you to lie to others to cover his tracks.... and now expects to call all the shots.

cogito is probably harsh but right - I have got my loyal supportive wife hat on! But 30 years is not something to throw away lightly and he does genuinely care about me. If/when we separate I want to be able to remain respectful and fair and I know that he will want to be like that too as he is a decent man.

Then I hope you're right about that because, everything I've read so far says he is anything but decent, caring, respectful or fair. I think you're in for some more nasty shocks and I think you can save yourself a shedload of pain by calling time, getting legal advice and preparing to fight the corner for your self respect.