Lost my spirit and at the end of my tether

[HolyMotherOfFuck]

Have name-changed for this...and am not even sure Relationships is the best area for this post. Apologies for that but I just need to get this "out" even if it means just here on MN whilst keeping a brave face on for the DC and the rest of the world for now.

My XH is a tit. Total tit. After a very EA marriage which ended 5 years ago he is still exuding - or at least trying to - his hold over me. I have been fighting for the past 5 years to put myself back together and build a new life for the DC and myself.

After a fairly rigorous move (think countries) just over a year ago, it seems that what I thought would be the best move for all of us may have turned into my worst nightmare.

XH has stopped paying maintenance at all since 2 months now and was only partially paying it before that. I like to have my ducks in a row and can be a bit of a financial worry wart so when the money lessened my anxieties gradually grew. Various conversations with him ensued and yes, I let him get to me and with a few words reduce me to quivering wreck I was 5 years ago all over again.

I have now been diagnosed with depression and PTSD (although my marriage did feel like a war at times, I feel like a bit of a cheat for ending up with PTSD from being married, if that makes sense??). Am on high dose AD and am having CBT and Relationship Counselling. Due to me being barely able to function for about 5 weeks I was off work, as per the doctor's orders. My boss did not agree and fired me on my first day back, mumbling something about my performance - which he had been perfectly happy with before I went off sick. I don't have the fight in me at the moment to argue with him .

So now I am officially unemployed. Money is a real struggle without the maintenance (and I KNOW I should not have to rely on his handouts but sadly I do). I owe people money. My car has been fixed after failing its MOT and I don't have the money to pay the good man who did it so I can't get it back. XH now seems to be ignoring the DC as well .

I am trying to get back the maintenance he owes through a REMO (he lives abroad) but although I have sent off all the paperwork I have been warned this can be a very lengthy procedure.

The crux of the matter is that despite the AD etc, I am not sure I can do this for much longer....am worn out, feel dejected, deflated, an empty vessel of despair.

I was always the high-flying career woman, breadwinner until we had the DC and look at me now.....I used to solve everyone else's problems and here I am not even being able to solve my own. Feeling like an enormous failure but am still managing to keep a brave face on it until I am alone.

DS does not even know I have lost my job yet. DD worked it out. Am applying for jobs left, right and centre but am so scared that the failures will continue.

I am so sorry for my incoherent rambling dear viperettes.....I fully realise I am probably not making much sense here. Hell, I don't even know what I actually mean half the time anymore!!!

Feeling so incredibly alone and lost, despite having friends around me. I did something yesterday which I had never contemplated before in my life - I called the Samaritans. So very, very glad there was someone at the other end of that line eventhough it was just to listen to me blub my way through more incoherent ramblings.

Don't know where to turn anymore and can't see a way out....

I have no words of wisdom but just didn't want to read and run. So sorry you are going through this, could you go on reduced mortgage payments for a bit/ contact welfare and see what you are entitled to/ go back and speak to your employer re working on a contract basis or at least investigate if him letting you go like that is legal?
Hopefully more useful people wil be along shortly.

Oh dear, I"m sorry to hear about your troubles.

First things first, go to see the CAB (or equivalent in whatever country you are in) to find out what you qualify for in terms of financial assistance and emergency help. Once you know what you're dealing with you can start contacting the people to whom you owe money and work out a mutually agreeable repayment plan. If you can do that on an unemployed basis, it will be 100x easier if the best thing happens and you get a job, but at least you'll know you can cope with worst-case scenario.

Secondly, spill all to your friends. I'm sure many will rally round. Call the samaritans as many times as you need and vent on here to your heart's content - emotional support, preferably from RL people - is what will get you through this.

Thirdly, be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up about bad decisions and lost opportunities - the world is full of them. No one has a crystal ball and good plans made in good faith often flounder. Make sure you eat well, exercise and sleep.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you Jess and Dahlen for your replies.

Jesss what Xboss did is not strictly legal but he is a big hitter and it really is not worth me arguing with him. Plus I just don't have the energy for that at the moment. I know that sounds incredibly feeble - a sad reflection on my current state of mind Ha!

Dahlen I cook meals from scratch for the DC and sometimes manage a few mouthful's myself. Eating is not a main concern right now but I know it should be. Just like sleep....oh sweet, elusive sleep...not sure if I can take sleeping pills in combination with the AD but judging by the shopping bags hanging under my eyes (think IKEA size), they would not go amiss.

Am going to see some people at the council tomorrow or Friday, dept of Work and Pensions etc....will also call CAB and see if they can help me.

Part of my problem is that I find it incredibly hard to ask for help . Something I will have to get over sooner or later I guess!

Asking for help is what friendships and communities are made of. Your return the favour at a later time where your star is in the ascendent and someone else is down on their luck.

I agree that fighting your boss probably isn't a good move for you right now, unfair though that is. Unless you have a union to fight for you, it will simply take valuable energy you can put towards building a better life.

Things will get better; just hang on in there.

Xboss did is not strictly legal but he is a big hitter and it really is not worth me arguing with him.

I know you really don't feel like it but you need to fight him on this. He can't just fire you because you were out for 5 weeks.
HE will need to prove your work wasn't up to scratch and if it was then he won't have a leg to stand on.

You should tackle this bit first and try to get some of your self esteem back.
Even if it doesn't work, at least you tried. It's unfair dismissal, pure and simple. Fight him! Take some of that hatred and anger out on him.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I really can't imagine what it must be like so here's a and some .

Thanks Hellsbells The problem is that I have NO anger and NO hatred - I don't have enough energy for such emotions right now

Had you asked me years ago if I could imagine how I am feeling today, I honestly would not have had a clue either. I am a fighter and survivor by nature and this is something I am repeating to myself every day right now.

Thank you for the and - much needed!

Get thee to the Citizens Advice for advice on industrial tribunals.
Don't worry about the jobcentre, you will be fine, we are not all dragons