How can I deal with unreasonable resentment?

[Suttos]

I've been with DP for just under three years. A couple of months after we first started dating I relocated to the other side of the country in order to move in with him. He has four DCs who stay with us every Thu-Sun apart from once a month when we have them Thu-Fri. We therefore get very little in the way of leisure time together as a couple, especially as two of the DCs have special needs and require far more care than other children their age.

None of this is actually the issue. What is getting me down is that DH is vegetarian, no big deal I thought, but it impacts me a lot more than I thought it would, just simple little things like having my choices limited when we eat out, and missing out on having a "proper" family roast dinner (I make them with quorn, but try as I might it's not the same!). I guess it's achieved disproportionate significance because it's part of my old routine and is comforting and familiar to me when I'm living in a new area and missing my old friends etc. I have always been a comfort eater which doesn't help either (I have had counselling and hypnosis for the comfort eating bit).

DP's reason for being veggie is that he thinks it's unethical, yet he eats fish and buys leather shoes, sofas etc. He knows how important it would be to me if he at least tried ethically produced meat again but he won't entertain the idea. On the one hand I know I am being completely unreasonable in resenting his choices. On the other hand I want to scream at him in frustration because its me whose lifestyle is limited by his family, I've had to move in order for us to be together, I hardly get any weekends to myself, but he won't at least try this one thing in order to reciprocate all I've had to do for him. I feel like if he loved me enough he would do this for me but refuses because - heaven forbid - he might have to compomise on one aspect of his lifestyle.

Yes I know I'm being an unreasonable cow bag, that the issues I struggle with were already there from the beginning. But how do I get past my resentment before it ruins our relationship beyond repair?

I don't quite understand - why are your choices limited when you eat out, and why can't you cook a proper roast for yourself?

It does sound rather like you're resentful about a lot of more important things than his (perfectly reasonable) vegetarianism and are projecting your frustration onto this one issue.

Simple things like going for a Chinese are limited to just the veggie stuff, of course I can still cook meat, roasts etc for myself but food in my household has always been a shared experience/occasion, especially as we get such little time together otherwise. Remember I have already been cooking predominantly veggie meals for the last couple of years and the resentment comes from me always being the one having my lifestyle limited by his choices, not vice versa.

But yes you are right, I am projecting onto this one issue. What I'm hoping for is advice on how to get over it :-(

Four kids that aren't your own for the best part of the week and no bacon sarnies?!

Rather you than me...

I have a friend whose husband eats meat, but she is veggie and provides veggie food for the family and DC, though they have free choice if there is meat - which there is occasionally. Her DH has meat sometimes. Friend does not mind, though she would not be able to cook it herself.

I used to be veggie many moons ago, and Quorn is possibly not the way to go! I used to make lovely nut roasts, yes really (for best flavour do not include peanuts or brazils; walnuts and hazelnuts and cashews are yum) - they were even appreciated by meat eaters, who would have a taste of my Christmas roast after tucking into their turkey.

I don't quite understand either. It's certainly unethical for either one of you to decide what the other is to eat, so why are your choices being limited either in the house or when out for a meal. In fact, I can understand it more in the house since you wouldn't want to cook two meals, but surely eating out is an opportunity for you to indulge yourself?

I understand your resentment, but I think he needs to show consideration to you in other ways, such as organising more occasions for you to have quality time together. If he has his DC this often, it's perfectly acceptable IMO to leave them with a babysitter once a week. It would also help if you were able to have time to pursue your own interests and hobbies.

Ultimately, you chose to move across the country to be with him. You knew what his family commitments were. No one forced you into this position. It's not really fair to hold it against him and expect him to 'make it up to you', although it's perfectly acceptable to admit that it's too much for you to cope with and call it a day.

Why can't you order meat if you eat out? Or have a takeaway?

Seriously, I think you need to drill down to what YOU WANT and compare that to what you have.

Some relationships aren't going to work because your not getting your needs met. A need for a weekly Sunday roast and some decent one on one time with your partner is perfectly acceptable. If he doesn't acknowledge that then you're a bit stuffed I'm afraid.

My life got infinitely happier when I met a partner who complemented me and wasn't a selfish prat 99% of the time.

Why are your choices limited to veggie when you go out? You mention chinese food, there is loads of choice for both meat-eaters and veggies at a chinese.

I have spent years catering for both veggies/vegans and meat eaters. It isn't that hard, but I get the feeling that your resentment is more about the whole situation but you are focussing on the food aspect of it.

I think YABVU, vegetarianism is not that much of a compromise (especially as your OH isn't actually veggie as he eats fish). It's a really minor thing and you could easily work around it if you wanted to. (Don't want to hijack but I'm vegan, husband and my family are omnivore and DD is properly veggie and we still share family meals, eat out etc etc, happy to give advice if you pm me).

What I think YANBU about is maybe discussing other things which you could address to make it feel a little less one sided from your POV as it sounds like that's the real issue here an it's just manifesting through your reaction to his pescatarianism.

You knew he was vegetarian when you met him, you are hardly going to change him now.

Is the shine coming off the relationship as a whole?

Also, surely a family roast is the easiest thing to do for both veggies and meat eaters, as all the veg, potatoes, gravy etc are the same. You could just roast a chicken and eat it for the rest of the week, and he can have quorn or something.

Anyway, that's clearly not the issue here. Maybe start trying to address the other imbalances in your relationship and the veggie thing will become less annoying. Or find someone prepared to give you the time and attention you want.

Do the DCs eat meat?
If yes then you can cook roasts to your hearts content and eat with them.
Your DH could always cook his own meals if its such a big thing to him.
Think this is more about inequality in the relationship than food.
Do you feel that you do all the giving whilst he does all the taking?

Well, you said this is basically about resentment that you moved your whole life for him and he won't do this one thing for you, so I will take you at your word.

And I totally see it, too. Yes, technically you probably are being unreasonable for reasons others are rehearsing. But the situation has rather set you up for resentment (or rather, if we're being honest, you have set yourself up for it), and I'm not surprised you are surveying your life and how that's changed and his life and how it hasn't and feeling obscurely cheated.

This is why I would never (these days anyway!) uproot my life to be with someone unless I had been with them a long time and it was clearly the only reasonable thing to do. What you are learning is that nobody in any context, personal or professional, however nice they are, ever gives a woman more than a pat on the head for making great sacrifices without complaint. On the contrary, they sometimes seem to think it means you can make more. So it's best not to make them, and that way you won't get resentful.

I realise this is all water under the bridge now. The trouble is I don't want to give you advice on "getting over your resentment", because once again this consists of you squashing your feelings - which admittedly are a bit unreasonable - so that someone else's life can carry on unruffled.

If I were you, to be quite honest, I'd talk about it with him and if necessary have a row about it, and be unreasonable, and explain why. It's his vegetarianism now, but there might be other crunch points in the future (especially with stepchildren in the picture) and all the same feelings will just keep resurfacing.

Sorry, I just don't understand this. Obviously, your partner isn't a vegetarian. He just doesn't eat meat.

But why can't you eat meat either at home or at restaurants, just because your partner will not?

Are the children also denied meat when they come to stay?

You realise this not about him being vegetarian right?
You resent that you moved your life, you feel lonely and your friends/family are far away.
You want more shared time together and also have to learn how to be a part of a blended family.
It is not unreasonable to find any of these things tough.

Talk to him about these things, otherwise you will build up a seething bubble of grrrrrrrr and then rip his head off over something which is not the real issue and thus feel unreasonable. (me, do this? Never...)

Thank you all for your responses, I really do appreciate it.

MadBusLady pretty much hit the nail on the head.

To explain the Chinese thing a little further, a happy part of my life growing up was going for dim sum in Chinatown once every few months. It was one of my few refuges in an otherwise horrible abusive childhood. I was then with my ex DH for 17 years who refused to allow me to eat this kind of food as he looked down on my Oriental background. Lots of other abuse too e.g not allowed friends till the last few years, not allowed access to my own money even though I worked full time, etc.

I finally find someone who treats me like an equal, but I can't share that experience which means so much to me with him either (nearly all dim sum type Chinese food has pork meat or fat in it, and is meant for sharing unless you eat four of the same thing all to yourself).

Same thing with the roast dinners, the one time of the week my ex DH and I came together was sharing that meal once a week, eating the same thing, it was one of the few times during the week he would be nice to/ have time for me.

DP and I met on an online forum (not a dating site, neither of us were looking) and got to know each other through that, hence the distance. When we finally met in person we clicked instantly. I had to relocate quickly as I couldn't afford the £90 train fare twice a month plus as I could only see him during weekdays (as obviously too soon to introduce the kids) I would have run out of annual leave at work.

Sorry I didn't intend to drip feed, just reading your responses made me think about what the real issue is. My DP is a lovely man and his kids are great (I even get on fine with their mum), I just feel upset that in order to finally find happiness I have had to change/give up so much yet DPs life would be pretty much the same with or without me. The one thing he technically does have a choice over i.e. his diet, he refuses to consider. But I know I am being unreasonable about that. Still hurts though.

Ah sorry, I didn't realise it was dim sum, that's
different. It sounds to me bit like you and your dp need to start a few comforting traditions of your own together, as a couple, so you feel more like you have an essential place in his life and aren't just fitting in with him? That way you might yearn less for your past comforts.