why did he disconnect?

[tiredlateandup]

This is a question about a male friend - not a boyfriend or partner.

I had a very good friend when I was at university several years ago. In fact he was my best friend at the time. The relationship was mostly platonic but there were definite flirtatious undertones, and we kissed a couple of times - nothing more. I think he was a bit more interested in me than I was in him in that way, although I think I depended on him probably more as a friend and confidante.

He lives on the other side of the world and was only studying in England for a year.

We have reconnected a few times over the years -a few emails here and there and then nothing for another few years. Anyway, we reconnected again recently and started instant messaging each other for the last few weeks (at his instigation). By way of background, I am in the process of getting divorced; he is a few years older than me and has a girlfriend who he's been with for a year or two.

So... we've had quite a few chats over the last few weeks - mostly random stuff going on in our lives. Nothing too interesting or personal, but we have shared some fairly intimate details - in the sense that we confide in each other a bit, but not in a way that would, on the face of it, jepordise his relationship with his girlfriend (I think) - eg. he hasn't really said anything about her, and I haven't asked, but he has mentioned what he's working on, and talked about his family a bit. I've chatted about my dcs etc.

He sometimes gets a bit flirtatious in our conversations but I have not responded to these, as I think it is inappropriate, given that he has a girlfriend. In fact I have told him at least once that it was inappropriate.

Having said that, I have been feeling guilty that he has been spending time talking to me - if I were his girlfriend I would not be happy with it, although the conversations are largely innocuous. On the other hand, he is on the other side of the world, and we maybe speak for 30 mins every two or three days. I regard the relationship as completely safe, in that there is no way either of us would dream of meeting up and I don't fancy him! - and he knows that. But I did feel it was inappropriate per se (from his end) and, if I'm honest with myself, should stop.

Anyway, out of nowhere he suddenly seemed strangely disconnected on our last conversation, and then did actually disconnect completely from the messaging system we were using. He send me another message by other means saying basically that it was nothing to do with me, he just had to disconnect from messaging.. I assume that's the last I'll hear from him.

Just wanted your views on this. I feel sad that things ended like this - I knew they would have to at some point soon but given that nothing actually happened or would have happened I just feel sad that I've lost my friend again. I don't even know what I'm asking. Do you think this came from him or from her? Was I really being that inappropriate (bearing in mind any mild flirtation from his end was stamped out by me immediately)? I didn't share that much of my own life, and almost all of our chats were started by him.

I suspect he felt less sure than you did that 'nothing would have happened', and felt it was safer at this point in his life to break off contact. It's a shame that a longstanding friendship had to end like this, but all you can do is respect his wishes and mentally wish him well.

It sounds as though his GF has seen the messages, like you has deemed some of the content inappropriate, asked him to stop and he has agreed.

30 min every few days is FAR too much if he has a partner . She probably noticed and got suspicious that it's an emotional affair or heading in that direction - plus his flirty remarks. Totally understandable if she asked him to stop. It could also have been him, as you are not responding to flirting and he may not that interested in just chatting (that's a more cynical pov).

It's likely that his gf was getting very uncomfortable with the level of contact you were having, or he kept it secret and the secrecy itself gave rise to suspicion.

Remember you know the level of detail you've written in your OP. She doesn't. As far as she's concerned, her partner's suddenly been spending up to 2 hours a week renewing a relationship with the one that got away at Uni. And flirting with her. In her shoes, you would be concerned too.

Hopefully, what this means is that he's putting his relationship with her first and has agreed that this wasn't just a friendship from his side at least. Because he was on a fishing expedition with you, hoping that you'd take the bait. He's probably been caught bang to rights.

You've done nothing wrong of course, but best to move on. It's likely that this was filling a need for you as you're going through your divorce and was propping you up in some way.

The thing that I couldn't understand was that in our last conversation he said that his girlfriend had gone away for a few days. I thought - great, we can talk and I won't be worried about disturbing anything. But that was the point at which he cut off.

Badinage you are right in that he was being emotionally supportive with regards to my divorce (yes, I know that is wrong! - like I said, I knew it had to end).. and now I feel so alone again.

I''m sad particularly because it was such a safe relationship from my end.

Something similar happened with someone else recently - also an old friend who I briefly reconnected with.. safe from my perspective, maybe not from his. We really supported each other emotionally but it also had to end.

Maybe these blokes have got good internal warning systems? So they both realised they were dangerously close to crossing a line (and the most recent one had already crossed a few) and had the good sense to back off? After all, it doesn't much matter that you weren't interested in anything sexual or romantic. If they were, then that's a pretty big threat to their relationships, respect and commitment to their partners isn't it?

Are you leaning on your women friends for emotional support too? You've only mentioned two attached men so far.

Badinage I did actually write something about female friends in my last post, then deleted it.

What I was going to say was that I do have female friends that I talk to but the dynamics are completely different, and I don't like to talk to them too much as I know they're all busy with dcs etc.

Most of the time it was these male friends in my life who would open the conversation (so I didn't feel bad taking up their time).

I'm not really getting much emotional support, which is why these friendships were so good for me.

Also, I think both of these men, particularly since they both knew me very very well in my some of my formative years (18-21) really understand me in a way that my current female friends could never do.. there is a really deep connection that I can't recreate. Obviously I know that is dangerous territory, and that I can get support without this level of intimacy.

But still, it's just a bit sad.

I do feel happy though that if it is the case with both of them that they cut off of their own accord (and not because of external pressure), then at least I have been friends with some good guys, who value their current relationships as they should. Obviously I would rather things this way than to get in the way of their fidelity etc to their partners.

Interesting that you say the dynamics are different with your female friends. That could be because they don't have any hidden agendas to want to present as caring, sharing attentive listeners with apparently limitless time to offer support. I've got some great male friends myself, but I remember in my naive youth thinking that certain men were wonderful listeners who seemed to hang on my every word. They wanted to get in my pants though .

Mates who don't therefore tend to be more honest. They'll give you the time they can afford and they don't have hidden agendas.

Even if these men's partners had a hand in these disconnections, you shouldn't think badly of them or the blokes concerned. Sometimes people in these blokes' shoes get caught up in 'friendships' and need a partner to point out they are getting way too involved. If they backed off because a partner has had the good sense and the esteem to express concern, that still makes them 'good guys' who took their partners' conerns seriously.

Sorry but this all sounds on the edge if inappropriate. If it was my partner I'd not be happy. You need to ask why you crave support from men who are interested in you and not women who you think aren't sexually attracted to you. Distractions are better if you're unhappy. And working on friendships that are equal and non sexual

I'm not unhappy, in fact strangely this is one of the happiest times of my life! But I do need emotional support / connection that I don't get in the same way from my girlfriends.. Not at the moment anyway.

But obviously it was somewhat inappropriate so sad that I am, I'm also happy that these relationships have tailed off (abruptly!). I just wish I could have that emotional connection with someone unattached.

But I'm also not ready for 'dating'. I would be if it weren't for the dc.

Perhaps he had been having other more seriously flirtatious messaging sessions with different women closer to home and got rumbled by his girlfriend. It's doubtful you were the only woman he's been messaging basically...

That did occur to me peggotty..

Honestly, I think you're being a bit disingenuous here, mainly with yourself.

You say you want an emotional connection with someone who is unattached. Which seems to be shorthand for an emotional connection with a man. It doesn't sound as though women would fit the bill at all, even if you knew them better, you had more history together and if they were single without children and had plenty of time for you.

So for all your protestations about this most recent bloke being 'inappropriate' in your eyes and there being nothing untoward in your intentions, I reckon you've been enjoying the attention of a man who's been flirting with you and being 'inappropriate'. These blokes have appealed to your ego and have been propping you up in a way that for you, a woman cannot. In which case, damned right they are protecting themselves and their relationships by steering well clear of you.

If you're going through a divorce and your ego is a bit battered and bruised because of it, it's not abnormal to want some flattering ego boosts and sexual attention from men, but call it what it is and don't dress it up as 'emotional support and friendship' because that's so not what you appear to be after, as all the donors of that appear to require a penis and to have a sexual attraction towards you.

It's okay to have a libido you know. It's okay to admit you miss sex and would like to have it. It's also okay to want some romance along with the sex too.

I hear what you're saying but they are literally across the world! There is no way anything sexual would happen, nor would I want it to (esp since I'm also breastfeeding so that's the last thing on my mind right now). But yes, I suppose I miss having a good relationship with a man and therefore cannot get the same emotional support from a woman.

It's not about wanting sex, it's about wanting a pseudo relationship, and someone in another country is perfect for that, as you can get the emotional bits of a relationship, plus the intense 'connection' with none of the commitment. So you were, in a small way, having an emotional affair with this guy, and he has stopped it.

Some blokes are actually decent. I suspect he may have enjoyed flirting with you, reconnecting with you, reliving some old fantasies in his head then realised this was wrong whilst in a relationship and cut contact to put an absolute stop to it. GF doesn't have to have found out at all. Do the decent thing and leave him alone.

I have left him alone. I just responded to his last message to say hope you're ok, and left it at that. I won't contact him again.

That is, I responded right after he sent it, not just now.

Sorry that came across a bit abrupt, having a bad day!