Should I tell my ex the truth or not? (Possibly petty, and probably no, I shouldn't..)

[MsMcMonkey]

I'm a regular (ish!) but have namechanged as this doesn't make me look like a very nice person.

In my early 20s I had one of those love-of-your-life relationships. At first it was amazing, but after a couple of years, he (let's call him Bob) turned into a bit of a twat. He would invite me over to his house (him still living with parents, me with flatmates) then leave me downstairs/in bed and disappear off to play computer games, or - quite a few times - watch porn Of course this didn't go down well, but I was young and daft so put up with it. We moved in together, but a few months into the contract he walked out to go back to his parents as "mum does all the washing and cooking for me." Oh, and after an argument where I came home from a weekend away to find escort websites in the laptop history. (Claims it was his sleazy friends messing around )

Much more crap happened, eventually I broke it off and moved far faaaar away

A year or so after we broke up, Bob got in touch to say he felt awful about the way he treated me, and could we still be friends. I was very unsure and kept him at arms length, but he was quite persistent and couldn't stop apologising for how he'd been, and he wished I'd forgive him and be with him again. I couldn't though, and was quite honest with him about that.

We stayed in touch, emails and occasional phone calls, lots of apologies from him, and telling me what a fantastic person I am (we also did have normal, friendly conversations, it wasn't like some kind of weird stalker..) When I got married to my DH, we still stayed in touch (with DH's knowledge) but we both kept things on a friendly basis. He'll still tell me I'm a brilliant person etc, but where it gets complicated is that I get the feeling that he thinks he's "above" me somehow, like he had the power in the relationship and he knew he could do anything, and I would just put up with it. Even now, I feel like he thinks I was a perfect, sweet stupid girlfriend, and he was a bit of a twat "lad".

What I've never told Bob, or anyone actually, is that in the last few months of seeing him I (stupidly, stupidly) had an emotional affair. No further than hand holding and the occasional hug. I knew full well that I was behaving like a shit, but I didn't care (which I know makes me sound like a complete cow - I should have just broken up with him.)

Can I tell him now please? As he's pissing me off. After spouting shite about how he'll always be there for me, he keeps ignoring me for months at a time. I really, really needed an ear, asked him for help and he didn't reply to me for 3 months. My fault for thinking he would be there, but still. No doubt he'll come back as usual in a few months all "I'm so sorry, you know I'm such a shit and you're so amazing, can we be friends forever??" Can I just say, no, no we can't. I wasn't a perfect amazing girlfriend, I was just as much of a twat as you, you just didn't know about it and I'm sick of hiding it. You didn't break my heart, I dumped you, so stop fucking apologising. I only stayed with you for so long because I was an idiot, and only found the courage to break up with you when you walked right past me as I was on a "date" with another man and you didn't even see me . I am a massive twat, I have conned you into being friends for years, and I don't like myself for it. Please stop being "nice" to me, and blaming yourself. Also, either be a friend properly, or fuck right off as I have no patience for your games any more.

God, I'm sorry for the length. Congratulations and if you made it this far But I think writing this down has saved me from phoning him and, well, leaving a shouty message on his answerphone as he wouldn't pick up for me would he

Why on earth are you still in contact with him? Better all round to just break off contact - he's not adding anything good to you life,is he?

He was a twat. You had an EA. You think he thinks he is perfect. You want to punish him for not being a friend, well it seems he was never there for you

Just get rid. Block his number, email, whatever. Why are you wasting any energy on him really?

Bob was a complete twat and you were slightly less of a twat. It sounds like he undoubtedly out-twatted you, though.

You've moved on, you're married - and you're massively over-thinking all of this. And the crux of why you're doing so is your description of it as a "love-of-your-life relationship". It wasn't - he wasn't the man you married and, as you've acknowledged, he was a twat. You've romanticised what sounds like a bog-standard and not very happy relationship. So what does he actually represent - your lost youth?

Whatever - leave well alone. Say nothing, don't be the person who makes contact, smile and nod when he does and then don't return calls. It will die a death and you'll be better off for it.

Where does your husband fit in to all this madness? You are making a complete fool of him without his knowledge that's for sure.

Who cares about this old boyfriend? People fall in love with all sorts of idiots when they're in their early 20s. Maybe you should be honest with yourself and admit that you still have feelings for him. Why else invest so much?

I suspect he's buddying up to you to cushion the fact that you dumped him. Perhaps he's doing the 'superior' thing because he has to, he can't stand the fact he was dumped.

Inadequate (but he'll always have his mum to cook and clean for him)

I had hundreds of crushes when I was in a terrible marriage btw. They only didn't become EAs because I'd done that alter thing. You probably had your fling because him indoors was so seriously crap in every way.

Seems odd that you feel the need to justify your decision not to remain friends with this porntastic freak. The fact is that, even without your extremely dodgy back-history, he's a shit friend. That should be enough to kick him into touch.

You seem disturbingly still bothered about him. I'd do yourself and your DH a favour and put this guy out of your life and your mind. Without engaging with him in a pointless, emotion-charged round of who-did-what-to-whom.

This bloke is taking up far too much of your brainspace. He's a dick and he's annoying youi. You'd be far better off dropping him and concentrating on your marriage.

No. Next?

Ouch but I do agree with a lot of that.

Except I don't think he's taking up a lot of headspace (I know it looks like it does in the op, but that was a brain-splurge of about 15 years worth of stuff) I certainly don't have feelings for him, and I'm not making a fool of my DH. That "love of your life" thing, I just meant one of those stupid first/young relationships, not that he's been my best relationship - clearly he hasn't! But I did phrase that badly. At the moment, we have spoken on the phone about 3 times in the last year, and probably the same amount of texts.

But yes, I really do need to cut contact. And no shouting at him! It won't be a bad thing to not have contact with him anymore, I think it will be a bit of a relief not to have to consider him a friend. Does that make any sense? Like I felt like I had to put up with him blowing hot and cold for some reason. Why?!

It was good to have some perspective.

'Can we be friends forever?' 'No, we can't. Have a nice life, Bob. Bye!' Delete & block. No need for any more detail. He probably gets some sort of ego-boost out of feeling that you are still in some way connected to him, so get out those scissors and snip! it's done.

Well that was certainly better out than in.

Finish the friendship but in a dignified way and then limit his opportunities to contact you. Tell him you no longer feel the friendship connection and that you wish him well but your life has moved on.

Walk, my scissors are poised!!

Practicality, It really was! Not nice for anyone who had to read it, but I've never written it down/thought about it all at once before. Was a bit eye opening. Now thinking I'm spectacularly thick to not have cut him off years ago.

What you wrote (for him) sounded fine, but snip this bit out 'Also, either be a friend properly'.

Set yourself freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

He hoovered you.

Just tell him that you are now married and you no longer wish to have contact with him. What we had was nice but I now longer think about it and have moved on and you should do to. I wish you well and hope you find that special someone. Good Luck in all you do.

Why don't you just dump him? I'm only replying to your first post (tired) but I bet the others all say the same!

Walkacrossthesand's suggestion is better.You don't owe him anything.

What are you playing at ?

Just dump this non-friend for good

You are still dancing to his tune.

Why? stop contacting this man as you sound like you are about to sleepwalk into an EA with him also.
How would your husband react if he knew you were talking to him.

Argh, how am I about to sleepwalk into an EA with him? I have absolutely no interest in him that way, and I obviously know how crap he is in relationships. Just, no. We were together for 3 years, and have been "friends" for about 10 years after that. 90% of the time talking to him is just like talking to anyone from our old friend group and I forget we were together. Then 10% of the time he says/does something irritating and I remember, hence me being fed up with the whole, is he my friend this month or not nonsense.

50shades, as I said upthread, my husband knows I talk to him and has absolutely no problem as he knows how I feel. I talk to him on the phone in front of and with my husband, I don't run off and have lovey-dovey conversations with him in secret , they've talked before, etc etc. My husband thinks I'm completely over reacting to cut contact with him, when I've bought it up before.

Well, regardless, and having slept on it, I still think cutting contact is the best thing, and wish I had done it much sooner. Even if he does have genuine reasons for disappearing then coming back all gushy (which I doubt), it's obviously pissing me off, so it's for the best. Thank you for all the opinions.

Can I add... there was the rather obvious risk of an emotional affair developing here. Terms like 'really really needed an ear, asked him to help' - and all this for a chap you went out with years back and hardly contact.
Imagine what you DH would feel about it. in fact this leads me to ask if everything at home is ok?

MsMcmonkey beat me to it!

Don't be his ego boost.

No risk of any kind of affair developing and yes everything is very lovely at home. I really needed his ear or imagined I did as it was something (complicated) concerning a mutual friend and he should have known how important it was to me. It's something I've talked to DH about too, and he said, why don't you talk to Bob (as it was concerning our mutual friend)? So I'd imagine that he'd feel fine about it.

To be clear (as I fear I'm not!) the "hardly any contact" is quite recent. For about 7 years in the middle of this we were in phone/email contact and never anything more than friends. The gushy comments annoyed me, but I ignored them, just put em down to him feeling guilty. This on/off stuff has been over the last few years and as I've been busy getting married, getting new jobs, having a life etc I haven't exactly been rolling around in tears wailing "why doesn't he love me!!" I've thought, ah well, it's obviously run its course. Then he'll be back in touch, then vanish. It's just irritating. Totally wrong of me to want "revenge", obviously best to just cut contact/block etc, I am being a petty idiot. I will stop being a petty idiot.