I just can't seem to get any relationships off the ground.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I'm getting very down about this. My relationships seem to be short and intense. The last one lasted two months. It should be easier after such a short length of time but it isn't as he went into it very full on and hinted massively at commitment then dropped me quickly when I got anxious. It wasn't going to work as he smokes weed but I hav't had a relationship lasting longer than 6 months for 15 years and I feel AWFUL about it.
I feel unlovable even though I know that the real reason is that I was fucked up by emotional abuse and not ready for it. 15 years is the length of a decent marriage. I long to share memories and grow old with someone and I'm fed up with people telling me that a man isn't everything. No it isn't but isn't a marriage what most normal people want and desire or just a social construct?

I don't think I am totally unlovable as one ex boyfriend has asked me to go to Spain and my dds father has just sent me an email telling me he misses us. Trouble is, both are abusive tossers and I never want to speak to them again! Everyone who I fancy has a gf. I will snap out of this as I don't mins being on my own but it just seems to be going on forever and I hate the dating, relationship, dump cycle.

Oh dear, I feel for you. I never had very long relationships except now (going on 8 years, lots of on and off tho).

The best way I ever felt being was being alone and my own boss. Just enjoy life, hang out with friends, get into some hobbies, travel, chat to people you meet and then when you least expect it a great guy will turn up.

People who are desperate for a relationship are usually a big turn off.

Wishing you all the best.

Why don't you just have a break from it for a couple of years?

Hi, super star, I have been looking at my relationship history lately and it is not pretty. I am thinking about going to relate, or getting some counselling about it so that I can try to understand better what has gone on for me. Constant rejection is really bad for your self esteem and then you end up going out with losers!

Have you read the signs of a loser?

Have you looked at love addiction?

Hatpin...because I am always having a break from it...I am fed up of being alone!

Trouble is Mysosotis...I am worried that I am a looser too. I tend to have anxiety attacks which don't help!

a bit of a vicious circle - anxiety attacks are there because you don't believe a relationship willl last as you never had a long one - this does turn many men off (I had similar experience) and then they prove your worries right. Tbh, the RIGHT guy would perservere and be patient, especially if you explain early on (once he's attracted/likes you) that you are prone to it but it passes with the right reaction - he would understand if he's good for you, even though he would need to be patient.
IMO most men won't be bothered being patient, so make sure it's the right one before jumping into emotional/sexual connection, just see whether he respects you and is patient by nature first. It's hard though, I know, as you have to fancy him as well as all this.
You could try herbal stuff and to learn meditation to fight the anxiety, you know, slow breathing and managing to clear your mind, can really help - but you need to practice!

Super star, there are losers and losers! The list I linked is to help you spot emotionally abusive partners. Do have a look at it. I know I am a bit of a saddo, socially inept etc but I am not on the scale of abusive. Good luck

What's wrong with being by yourself?

I don't think it's needy to want a relationship. Humans are sociable creatures who have evolved for a lot of human contact, and given the driving force behind the survival of our species (i.e. sex), it's natural for many people to want to pair bond (which doesn't necessarily equate to monogamy, but that's a different story). There's nothing wrong with you being fed up of being alone and wanting a relationship.

I speak as someone who was single for 6 years and loved every minute of it.

What is the longest you have been single for?

You are wondering why a relationship with a loser dopehead who came on far too strong far too early didn't work out ? And you are upset about this, even though you knew he was a bit shit ?

Seriously ?

Having a relationship with any old dross is not better than no relationship at all. I think you need to look at your boundaries and your level of neediness.

I know I shouldn't be upset about the ex anyfucker. He wasn't a looser in the sense that he had a very high-powered job and was a good dad. We also had many good times. I think I miss the idea od it and miss the good things; sex, weekends away, holidays, company for the kids, that mushy feeling ad nauseum.

Hello, superstar.... Do look at the link, you are still not getting the loser idea you might find it really helpful in spotting men who cannot have good relationships regardless of high- powered jobs and what not.

I think if you had more secure boundaries you would have recognised that going into a relationship 'full-on' is a bad sign.

If you know that the problem is a history of emotional abuse why don't you take some time out from dating (say a year or so) and have some counselling or join a group to work on your anxiety and issues resulting from the abuse? Not to blame you, but long as you are giving off vibes that you don't really understand where your boundaries should be in a relationship you will continue to attract men who aren't good for you.

Focus on building other forms of companionship, which will help with the loneliness and will give you a better sense of what a healthy relationship looks like.