I hate sex.

[TeaCuresEverything]

sorry for the blunt title, but I do. If I never had sex again it wouldn't worry me.

I haven't always been this way. I've been with dh for 7 years, we've been married for 5. We have a ds who is 2.8.

When we first got together, and for the first couple of years, we had a lot of sex. We both enjoyed it, enjoyed eachother. Gradually however, its tailed off, and if the definition of a sexless marriage is sex less than 10 times a year, then I have a sexless marriage.

And it is all my fault. My poor dh thinks it is him, that I am not attracted to him anymore. I confess that there is a degree of truth in this. My dh has put on approximately 4 stone in weight since we are together. I no longer look at him and think ooh!

But I do love him. He is a good man, a good husband, and a good father. I don't want to leave him, or split up.

Why can't I do this one thing for him? We tried it tonight, but it was so awkward and unconnected. He stopped half way through and said he couldn't carry on as he knew I wasn't into it.

I'm so upset. I hate myself. My dh doesn't ask for much, just wants to have a sex life and who can blame him? he's only 26! I am 30! its not supposed to be like this.

Does anyone have any advice that might help us? thank you.

Have you and your dh talked about this?

Yes, often. He just sighs and says stuff like "ok I guess we'll just never have sex again then" and looks all wounded and makes me feel horribly guilty.

You need counselling together. And sadly you need to be honest about his weight gain. I wouldn't fancy someone who had put on 4 stone. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Have a friendly and frank, non-confrontational discussion about how you both really feel. Tell him honestly his weight gain is turning you off (and anything else that's contributing to this).
Ask if he would agree to go on a diet and get fitter as you want him to look more the way he was when you were attracted to him. If it's in his interest surely he will be willing to do this. Much better for his health anyway.

Investigate Sensate Focus. You'll find a lot of information on it if you Google for it. This is a method that sex therapists often use. it involves a ban on intercourse for a little while though. See if your dp is willing to try it out.
Ideally it would be better done under the guidance of a therapist but maybe you could try it out yourselves to save the cost. There's probably a book or two on it which could guide you correctly through the procedure. Worth a try anyway.

I agree that counselling might help.

Ultimately, you can't expect your husband never to have sex again :(
Is it simply the weight gain? Could you take up swimming or something together?

thankyou for your comments. I will look into that therapy you have suggested! that's really helpful.

I think its mainly the weight thing. And the fact that it just feels so forced - we've fallen into such bad habits with that.

I feel for both of you as you both seem to be losing out. You feel guilty and ' hate ' yourself and your DH s self esteem must be shot. But if you both care about each other then the position can be turned around.
But you have to give each other some really straight communication and some tough love.
Just be honest and communicate with love.
FWiW I would not be able to stay in a marriage where I felt rejected as that rejection would impact how I viewed myself and this would project right across my whole life.

I think its a bit off to tell your DH that his weight gain is making him unattractive to you. If someone posted that her DH had told her that there would be plenty of people slating him and saying that was a terrible thing to say to someone.

Could you phrase it as a fitness/energy thing instead? Perhaps that it seems like you both need a boost to get your libido back and that apparently exercise is good for that and that being fitter and healthier will be good for you as parents and as partners.

You could try and do something together or at least support each other by looking after little one while the other goes out to the gym/running etc. Encourage him to lose weight by cooking healthily and sharing shopping etc so that you are both on the same page. He must know he's put on weight but shoving it down his throat is unfair, helping him to sort it out is a more loving approach.

FWIW, my ex & I used to go for bike rides and when we got back we often ended up having sex, the invigoration of physical exercise obviously had some effect! (However, in the end, he said that he didn't need sex any more as he has running now hence he is my ex!)

I've explained to my hubby that part of reason I don't want sex is not feeling sexy after weight gain and body changes after 2 kids. He is not a big fan of looking after kids himself, but he has been recently just so that I can get out for a run in order to help me lose weight & tone up.

I wouldn't tell husband that weight gain is putting you off, I would try to phrase it better. Chances are he's aware of the extra weight anyway.

I was in your position many years ago and should have done more about it then. Whatever anyone tells you sexless marriages- unless due to illness/injury I guess which is different- ultimately make both people unhappy as intimacy decreases outside the bedroom too. My DH and I have had a marriage in which sex and intimacy waned and became non existent. You kid yourself that you can pick it up again when you reach whatever point - kids are older, someone loses weight- but it doesn't happen that easily. I now face the prospect of divorce because we never really tackled the sex issue. Please don't leave it too late to resolve this.

I think sex starts in the head. Feeling emotionally close to someone.

Do you talk to him from your heart?
Would you describe yourself as intimate with him?

Keeping a good fun and loving and regular sex life going is such bloody hard work in this day and age.

Too many pressures, not enough time, not enough opportunity and no neighbourly bonds any longer to compare your going rate with so to speak.

If we all had a better social life with lots of leisurely nights off guzzling wine/tea in this wonderful sunshine - with the mild hope of sex later on - (with our own partners I mean ) maybe it would all be less fraught.

Sex is so hard to get going sometimes when you're with the wrong person

I was totally miserable with my sex life when I was married. It was all so one-way - he just wanted to ejaculate and in the end just went upstairs to the spare room and shot himself all over the place. At least I didn't have to clear the tissues up.

He left in the end. Thank god.

I think a counsellor would be helpful :). Have you thought about whether it is sex with DH that is the problem or sex in general? Sex feeling forced isn't good, have you thought about just trying to be more intimate together (not necessarily sex) such as always kissing goodbye, cuddling when watching a DVD and holding hands in public? Just gradually becoming more intimate can help :). After the birth of DD I felt that DH didn't want me and wouldn't want my 'gross' milky breasts, wobbly stomach and stitched up vagina. But i realised that he stills loved me and stomachs can be toned, stitches aren't forever and milky breasts finish when breastfeeding does! I gradually became more intimate with him again by kissing, holding hands etc, then moved it up to him talking to me in the bath, putting my bra on for me and just 'touching' in bed. We didn't have sex again until DD was 9 months old. It takes time but it can be done . Sex with DH is great now and I can't believe how I used to feel! Trust me, you will get through this!

But shouldn't you have randy feelings even if you don't fancy DH. Wouldn't you sometimes thing Whoar about someone you see or something in a film or in a book?
Then when you have these feelings you would turn to DH as the handiest male.
So do you still feel you want sex sometimes, OP?

I think the weight gain could be a red herring here for you.

Does DH make you laugh? Does he make you feel special? Does he cuddle and reassure you? Does he RESPECT you? After the initial honeymoon period I do think sex in a relationship relies on so much more than physical appearance. I think at this stage, lack of sex drive indicates a bigger problem.

OP: I agree with eating healthy meals - stop the chocolate & crisps, unless its proper chocolate.

Do you ever go on a date together and spend time together out of the house without your DS?

The bike riding together is a good suggestion too.
Anything really where you are spending time together and having a bit of fun.

youre not a bad person for his weight gain turning you off but you do need to tell him so you can both sort it out.