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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think he's about to finish with me :-(

17 replies

MyGrain · 04/06/2013 17:45

Been together just over a year. It's been hard and we should never have continued with it after the initial excitement really. He was in a bad way mentally with bereavement and various other stuff and I think (and he's more or less admitted) that when we got together, he was just looking for casual company. Nothing more. Then we started getting serious, he freaked out and tried to get out of it but kept coming back (and I kept taking him back because I love him so much) and now we've been together just over a year and despite a few really good weeks and tons of great shared experiences and mad holidays - things are so, so strained.

Last night we had an argument over nothing and during that argument he told me he never wanted to get serious with anyone ever again after his divorce and although he loves me now and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he sometimes regrets letting the relationship get as serious as it has. We said a few nasty things to each other and although we kissed and made up (strained) before bed all was not well as we went to sleep.

He sent me the usual text this morning from work - nice and lighthearted but as the day went on the texts became more and more 'formal' or distant, hard to explain.

He came in from work, said hello to me but again he just wasn't himself - looked on edge. Went to sit in the garden and was just sat there staring. I made him dinner, he came in to get it and then went back outside on his own. I went out (remember we actually made up after the argument so quite unexpected behaviour) and tried to make conversation and he was answering me but just looking at me really sad. I left him to it, this was about 45 minutes ago and I've not seen or heard from him since. I'm upstairs. As far as I know he's still in the garden. I just have a gut feeling he's plucking up the courage to end it.

I keep telling myself I'll be ok, he's too complicated anyway, too many issues but I'm actually shitting myself because I love the man and I will miss him so, so much Sad I'm dreading hearing the door open because I just know the conversation will follow.

Hand holding please? :-( sorry for the name change.

OP posts:
StuffezLaYoni · 04/06/2013 17:49

It sounds like you're right, and it's always horrendous. Sad But it does sound like you know it's perhaps for the best?
Why don't you take a deep breath and start the conversation yourself? You might feel more in control x

KatieScarlett2833 · 04/06/2013 17:53

Can you bite the bullet and go and have the conversation?
(Holds virtual hand)

FobblyWoof · 04/06/2013 17:57

Hand holding. Wish I could offer more

EllieArroway · 04/06/2013 17:58

Agree with above - go out there and get the conversation started. Why torture yourself?

Good luck :)

Original poster
MyGrain · 04/06/2013 17:59

I don't want to break up :-( My head tells me to just let go but I want us to work so much. I honestly thought we'd end up married at some point and I'd never felt like that about anyone else. I suppose the realisation is hitting me now that this relationship has never meant the same to him as it has to me. I knew all along really. But now I'm having to face it and it hurts so much.

OP posts:
overture · 04/06/2013 18:17

Holding handFlowers

Go out to him, sit down next to him, and ask him if he's ok? Just see where it goes from there.

Hissy · 04/06/2013 22:10

What hurts is you fighting what you fear will happen.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

You've been with him a year, if he's not in love with you now, it's not going to happen.

I know what this feels like, it's beyond shit. I had to end my year long relationship a couple of weeks ago, for the same reason.

I had to put myself first. I know that hanging onto him, stops a man who will love me for me coming into my life.

I had to put all my feelings about him to one side. It hurt, but at least I won't suffer from that hideous chipping away of my self esteem, knowing that i'm NOT loved by the man I love.

If it's not there for one side, it's not a viable relationship.

Come to terms with the truth, know that whatever comes next will be better, because you deserve it to be so.

Myosotis · 04/06/2013 22:53

You need head and heart for a relationship to work, op sorry it's so painful.

Original poster
MyGrain · 05/06/2013 13:35

Thanks for the replies last night guys. We ended up not saying a word to each other for around 2 hours after I posted this (although he did keep making me numerous cups of tea!) and eventually I went and asked him if he was ok. Turns out he'd had a massive argument with a guy at work that almost turned physical (on the part of the other guy) and he'd had loads of problems throughout the day and was stressed out by it all (he's managerial). I asked if we were ok and he said we were and he loved me to bits and was more concerned that I was getting fed up of him.

So, we'll see :-)

OP posts:
overture · 05/06/2013 16:32

aw bless :) I'm really relieved for you, so many posts don't turn out like this.
I'm really hope you both sort things out and become stronger, it sounds like he might be abit down?
Wishing you both the best and lots of positive thoughts. :)

KatieScarlett2833 · 05/06/2013 16:36

Aww, I love a happy ending Grin

SgtTJCalhoun · 05/06/2013 16:47

Well I think he's playing games with you to be honest. Not sure this is a happy ending at all and it doesn't sound much like this year you've been with him has been all that happy either. He sounds me, me, me!

Original poster
MyGrain · 05/06/2013 19:01

Thanks again for the nice messages overture and katiescarlett :-)

SgtTJ - I'd like to disagree with you and tell you you're wrong but I feel like I'd just be trying to convince myself rather than you - I'm not overly convinced that he's been up front with me either.

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/06/2013 19:09

If you're not convinced, do nothing but observe, eyes, ears and brain open.

Listen to your instincts.

You will be OK. Regardless.

Never forget that?

Original poster
MyGrain · 05/06/2013 19:13

Thanks Hissy - When I thought it was all over last night I had a good think about it all and I know deep down I'll be ok. I even got a little excited at the thought of meeting a nice, non-complicated normal bloke that actually wants me. But i'd be lying if I said I wanted to break up with DP. I'm just so confused at the moment. That bloody little niggle keeps poking me in the back of the head telling me "you can pretend all you want, you know full well that all is not well".

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/06/2013 19:49

Sweety, that's how I felt with exboyf.

If i'd have carried on, the relationship would have pottered on, time would have ticked on, but nothing would have been achieved.

That niggling feeling is shit. But it's there for a reason. To teach you to be honest with yourself, be your own best friend, and brave enough to put yourself first, making big decisions as you need to.

Hissy · 05/06/2013 19:52

What will empower you is that knowledge that you WILL be OK, and that there IS perhaps Mr A N Other out there.

Only if this relationship is RIGHT should you carry on.

If it's not, nothing on earth should get in the way of you stopping it.

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