Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Is an EA treated the same as a sexual affair by divorce courts?

16 replies

IUsedtobeMe · 04/06/2013 11:01

That's just it really. I'm 95% convinced there's no sex involved at the moment. So if I divorce him can I claim adultery?

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 04/06/2013 11:07

No, it needs to be physical adultery.

It could go into an unreasonable behaviour petition, though, so you don't have to wait for the 2 years separation.

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 04/06/2013 11:13

How do you prove an affair is physical?

I can show motive (admits he loves her and did it in writing), I can show opportunity, but I would imagine very few wronged wives can show actual proof. No hotel receipts as it would have happened at her house

The unreasonable behaviour is interesting though, as I have tons I could cite there!

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 04/06/2013 11:16

If you think there's adultery, you don't have to prove it in the petition, you just give the date on which you discovered it. Then it's up to him to defend if he so chooses. But it you both want a swift divorce, he might decide to let it go through on those grounds irrespective of the physical detail.

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 04/06/2013 11:19

Thank you.

TBH if it gets to that stage, I don't mind whether we divorce or not, as I do not have anyone else, and I'm never likely to find another man. He, on the other hand, might feel differently. So Quick isn't an issue for me.

OP posts:

MrsBrownsGirl · 04/06/2013 12:18

Sorry this is happening to you. It's not usually advised to cite adultery as grounds for divorce unless the respondent agrees as they have to admit to it in order for it to be used as grounds for divorce.

Proof has to be conclusive e.g the resultant birth of a child, even if you had things like hotel receipts it wouldn't be enough. Adultery has no bearing on the financial aspect of divorce anyway and he won't be "named and shamed" by it either as the divorce documents aren't seen by the anyone but the Court, the Decree Absolute states no reasons.

Best to go for unreasonable behaviour and cite "inappropriate relationship with a member of the opposite sex" which you do not have to prove.

skyeskyeskye · 04/06/2013 12:23

I divorced XH for Unreasonable Behaviour on the grounds that he was texting OW thousands of times a month. It was my solicitors idea and he named the woman (first name only) on the petition.

I divorced asap as XH has a history of bankruptcy and debt problems.

MrsBrownsGirl · 04/06/2013 12:25

Just to clarify you would only need proof of adultery if he denies it. If he defends then it's hassle and expense for you, alternatively they are often advised to cross-petition instead citing your unreasonable behaviour! Which again is a PITA as the divorce process is then controlled by him not you.

PM me if you need any other info

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 04/06/2013 12:57

Thanks for all the info.

I'd love to see him cross-petition me. I am full-time carer to our sick child. I run his business. I home educate DS due to illness. I cope with his parents living with us. I run everything to do with the house, i.e. housework, most of the outside stuff, cooking, shopping etc. I'd loved to know how that was being unreasonable

OP posts:

MrsBrownsGirl · 04/06/2013 13:07

He could easily twist it around and say that because you're always so busy he feels neglected in his relationship with you. Honestly!

I hope you don't think I am being harsh but you do sound as though you would be better off without him :-(

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 04/06/2013 13:16

But I love him. He says he loves me. (He loves her like a sister or really good friend - can't see him saying he loves his friend John mind you, and they've been friends for years).

It's early days. We've only just started talking about it. I've asked this question - and another about maintenance - because I like to have all the facts before I discuss things.

He has said he wants me, and only me and always has done, but if I cannot make him see what he is doing is wrong, then we cannot continue.

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 04/06/2013 13:36

apparently just about anything could be used for Unreasonable Behaviour, so your husbands solicitor would come up with something for your husband to use.

My Xh also said that OW was a very good friend, married to his best friend actually. Emailing and texting her right through our family holiday, texting her over hundred times a day, deleting all evidence so that I couldnt read any of it, flirting with her on facebook, email etc.

and all of this was ok because they were just friends.... in his opinion....

funnily enough, he doesnt text or email her husband , who actually is his best mate, anywhere near as much... nor does he claim to be gutted when he cant see his mate, or text his mate and say "wish you could come with me xx"....

so a different type of friendship.....

my XH decided that he no longer loved me, so that was that, but if your H is claiming that he loves you, then maybe there is hope for you, but he will need to cut all contact with his "friend".

overture · 04/06/2013 13:38

Your post and username makes me quite sad for what your must be going though. Is this the same poster who is living in another country?

I don't know much about the divorce laws, but just wanted to say sorry, and hope things look better for you very soon.

fubbsy · 04/06/2013 13:44

All the above info about proving adultery and divorcing on grounds of unreasonable behaviour assumes you are in England or Wales. If you are somewhere else, the law would be different.

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 04/06/2013 14:30

Thank you all for your kind and helpful words.

No, I'm not the poster in another country, although, right now I think i'm on another planet

Skye, sorry it happened to you, its the pits isn't it. Did the affair also break up the other marriage? I'm not sure if it would be easier if she was in a relationship or not. Was it purely emotional or were they sleeping together as well?

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 05/06/2013 00:28

in my case, the OW is still with her husband, XH is still best friends with her H and all three of them spend time together.... I have no idea how far it went because he deleted all texts, emails etc. All I know is that he was sending her motivational emails while on a family holiday for DD's 4th birthday... he texted her through the holiday, valentines day, my 40th birthday, etc etc....

I know that he is still emailing her, that she refers to a night out with him as a date, that they refer to being gutted that they cant spend the day together , etc etc.

I think that if her H had found thousands of texts from any other man, he would have been furious, but because it is XH, his friend, he refuses to see what is under his nose. my XH was giving her emotional support that her H couldnt apparently....

some people don't register that an emotional affair is as bad, (some say worse), than a physical one. Her H said that there is nothing wrong with flirting, but there is something very wrong with hiding thousands of texts/emails....

I hope that you work things out one way or the other.

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 05/06/2013 10:21

Well, We have finally started addressing this. He works away during the week, so it was over the phone, but its the first honest conversation we've had.

He has started to listen to me that what he is engaging in is an emotional affair. He stressed repeatedly that it wasn't physical, but it took some effort for me to explain that sex was immaterial compared to the huge betrayal in preferring her companionship to mine. I'm at home to look after the house, son, etc, and sex at weekend. She's there to provide companionship and friendship that has been sadly lacking in our marriage for years.

I could tell in his voice that he hadn't thought of it like that. He has stressed, very strongly, that he doesn't want to lose me and I think that he really hadn't a clue that I felt so betrayed that a divorce at this moment is a 50/50 chance.

OP posts:

Flip