Any one else with an alcoholic parent? I'm at the end of my tether.

[BrokenBanana]

I'll try to keep it short. My mum has been an alcoholic for 10+ years. She also has a manipulative personality and is a compulsive liar, she was already like that before the alcohol came along.

It's just one thing after another with her. She's lost almost all of her family apart from me and 2 of her sisters who live quite a while away. My sister cut her off completely about 6 months ago.
I've tried to keep her in my life but she just won't stop lying and drinking and its grinding me down. Was meant to meet up with her today, rang her and she was drunk as a skunk, but still wanting to meet! Refused that she'd drank anything and couldn't think of a reason for why her words were slurring.

I'm just so tired of it! All I want is a nice normal mum that I can rely on, but instead she keeps rejecting me in favour of alcohol. I think of cutting her out my life but then the guilt comes flooding in. She's my mum and I should be there for her, she doesn't really have anyone else. Why does she keep doing this to me?!

Sorry that was a bit all over the place, I'm feeling rather emotional!

I guess I would just like some advice from someone who has been in a similar position, or even from someone who is an alcoholic. I don't know what to do for the best, either keep her in my life and hurting me but at least I know how she is and can keep tabs on her, or cut her out completely. I just worry about the effect me cutting her out would have on her.

You are not going to have a nice normal mum. Not until she gets help.

You are wondering why she keeps doing it to you. She isn't. Not deliberately. You are not important to her. Alcohol is. My parents were both alcoholics. The longest I went without contact was four years. It was fine. A relief. Your mother will survive without you. Will you survive with her?

How is your sister doing? Will she support you if you decide to cut your mum out for a while? It doesn't have to be forever, that part is up to your mum. Make it clear. You will be in her life when she gives up alcohol.

It is hard OP, maybe look at a support group for yourself. Or keep posting on here. Very sensible advice here. and hugs, cos it is hard.

My MIL is an alcoholic. We tightly control her access to our kids and ensure she is sober before we visit. Our relationship is strained but we do what we can to maintain it when she is sober. She is more of a binge drinker though so does stretches of days or week off and then a few days on so easy to avoid her. Also FIL is around so he bears the brunt of it.
I have no answers for you. You don't have a nice normal mum and you will have to accept that. Maybe contact AlAnon for support for yourself. I know DH finds it hard to accept that he cant change his mother but he can't. Alchol is the most important thing to her. He (and you) have to learn that nothing you do or say will make any difference.

Remember the three c's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Thanks you two. Sorry for the late reply, mil took pity on me and took me out for the day :)

I still feel wretched about this morning with my mum though, I know she'll have gone and drank a lot more afterwards :( I know a lot of it is my issues, I don't like feeling rejected by her and don't feel in the slightest bit important. I guess I need to stop dwelling on what I haven't got.

I really do need to make my mind up about whether to cut her out of my life, it's just such a big decision to make, I hope I make the right one.

There is nothing you can do for her...You do need to take care of yourself. Don't let her behavior get to you.

My mom is also. I must be like your sister, as I'd rather not deal with it.

hugs..

I have 2 alcoholic parents, one now dead. Over the years I have learned to accept that my mother won't do anything about it, because she doesn't want to. She HATES the A word though. She will say something like "I know I drink a bit too much every now and again, but I'm not an alcoholic". She's injured herself twice so far this year because of this, but there's always an excuse. It's never the booze.

She is also manipulative and you can't rely on her (well I can always rely on her to make a MASSIVE drama out of nothing). I have accepted this is who she is and there's nothing I can do. I have several siblings, and we've all tried to help and failed. However, mother has accepted that if she "drinks a bit too much", or at all, around my children, she will not see them.

I have also thought about cutting her out. But I love her and I just can't bring myself to do it. When she's sober, she's lovely. But.... That's it. There's ALWAYS a 'but'.

BB, none of us like being rejected by our mums. The sad fact is, alcohol is more important to her at the moment. We are hardwired to want our parents love. It is horrible when they choose booze over us. You can take control by making your own choices. Own them. You are probably struggling with self esteem issues. I have yet to come across a pleasant drunk. With old age comes wisdom.....kinda Learn to let go. Takes a long time but it is worth it. You are your own person. That is important to remember.

My dad is an alcoholic and I suspect his partner is too. Their relationship to the truth is a mere passing aquaintance that they don't see very often. The way me and DSIS cope? Cordial relationship, take everything with a massive pinch of salt and detach emotionally from it all as it is draining and futile. The hardest thing to accept is that you can do nothing about it. The only thing we can do is, when/if they come to their senses and seek help find it in ourselves to forgive them and support them in moving forward. I am under no illusion that dad will ever acknowledge his alcoholism but I will be here if ever does.

I recommend al anon.
Get some support to guide you through this, it's free, and you will get better informed about how to handle the situation.

How lovely of you to be searching for help.
Try reading ' more about alcoholism '
From the book Alcoholics Anonymous, you can read it free via the AA website.

My Dad is an alcoholic but he didnt think he was because he didnt drink each day until he got home from work. He would never have agreed to be the driver when going out but wouldnt admit it was because he couldnt be without a drink. When hed buy drinks at the bar he'd get a shot to drink in secret. Having a stroke didn't stop him drinking - I'm sure this was caused by alcohol abuse. My relationship with him wasn't great because I'd watch what he drank and call him on it. So he'd then try to drink less around me and would be grumpy as because he felt I was stopping him drinking.
One Christmas (5 years ago now) he drank so much he wet himself on the journey home and fell over in the driveway. We couldn't get him up so we had to call an ambulance.
He woke up in hospital not knowing where he was. He has since told us that he thought he was in the afterlife when he woke up and thinking he had died finally gave him the push to admit he was an alcoholic and do something about it.
It was like getting the Dad I remembered from my childhood back. He had been lost to me for many years. I am beyond proud of him for the journey he has taken and is still on.
Everything I, my Mum and my brother had said to him before to try to get him to deal with his addiction had fallen on deaf ears. It is so true that he had to come to the realisation himself to be able to get better.
I truly hope for your sake that your Mum gets there, but in the meantime you may need to come up with some coping strategies to help you to deal with it.