Have no one to talk to or ask advice, so just thought I would get this off my chest on here. Not really expecting any replies so where do I begin? By the way, fair warning, this is long for the sake of complete honesty. Live in France, love it, the weather etc, converting an old barn, long adult ambition, with my 23 year old daughter who has met a wonderful French boy and is settling down. So what is my problem? My autistic son cannot settle here and husband has definitely changed. He was blown up by a landmine in Kosovo and is classed as disabled due to his spinal injury and cannot work. He takes extreme medication just to be able to get up on a morning which has changed his personality completely to the point where he has actually hit me and admits that he feels that he wants to during a disagreement. I am trying desperately not to cause trouble but the more I try the more trouble I seem to get in.
I admit I am difficult, I am depressed and lonely which leads me to retail therapy and I hold my hands up, I have gone overboard in the past, but trying hard to overcome my many faults. No matter what I do, I seem only capable of doing it wrong. Eg. Went to the local chemist for husband his medication at 4.30pm, long queue so in there for 15 mins, needed some mushrooms for dinner so had to travel 5 mins up the road to local supermarket, long queue again, had to wait another 10 mins. Whilst waiting saw a friend from the next village and we started talking, she asked if I wanted coffee in the town 2 mins up the road from supermarket, didn?t think I was doing anything wrong in saying yes. Didn?t have a watch so forgot the time, got back at 6pm. Husband went berserk, ?why did I just go off and not tell anyone where I was going?? ?Told you where I was going? I replied, ?I realise I?m late getting back but ran into Sylvie and had a coffee, so busy talking I forgot the time I apologise?. "Two can play that game, if you don't care why should I" he replies and has gone out today not telling me where he has gone, what time he will be back etc. Husband now thinks I don?t care about him, I only care for myself and what I want to do, which just isnt true. That is only one example, he says he feels very unsettled with me and not happy with my spending, lack of interest as he sees it, the way I run the house, look after the family, my attitude. When I get upset because I?m hurting there is no compassion within him, he just tells me to stop crying. My son has started to talk to me like dirt. I feel lost, hurt, depressed and just want to disappear into a hole somewhere and die.
That is how I feel