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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do?

19 replies

Crazycake · 03/06/2013 23:25

LONG.......Really don't know what to do DH in a major sulk and on his way to his parents house (1 & 1/2 hours drive away)

I get up between 4 & 4.30 for work so try to be in bed asleep for 9pm, last night DH was on a late at work and DD wouldn't go to sleep so I eventually dropped off at around 11pm. Tonight as I was about to put DD in bed PIL's turned up for a 'quick' hello. By 8.30 I was knackered so excused myself and went to bed, there was no way DD would go to bed whilst GP's were here so it was agreed DH would bring her up when he was coming up (not ideal).

Our bedroom is the attic and Dd bedroom is at the end of ours so you have to get past out bed to get to her room iyswim. I'd not been asleep long when DH brought DD upstairs and then he went back down.

Dd had obviously seen me and started screeming, I let her in my bed and she was wide awake for over an hour wanting stories, jumping on me etc. I texted DH to ask what he was playing at (after 1&1/2 hours) and he was watching the programme we were in the middle of, that we both wanted to watch together as PIL turned up. When he eventually came upstairs he was going on at how miserable and moody I am(I swear anyone will tell you I'm not!) and how I must feel that my life with him is so bad way over the top! I said "ooh don't know how you put up with me if I'm that bad" and out of the blue he got up and said I really don't know, I'm going to stay at my parents, he kissed Dd, said "daddy's leaving" and went!

It sounds so petty when I right it down, I know I'm being a bit sensitive because of sleep deprivation but I never thought he'd do this. He's well known for sulking, never apologising and being a bit of a man child but I really thought we'd got past this

Not even sure why I'm writing all of this down

OP posts:

Yearofme · 03/06/2013 23:27

I'm sorry, what a wanker. Someone wise will be along with some advice soon so until then ill hand hold. How old is your DD? Does he work? Has he left before?

Yearofme · 03/06/2013 23:29

Sorry just seen he was on a late last night, if you're both on shift work with a young child it's tough. I've been there
Will you be able to go to work in the morning?

Shellywelly1973 · 03/06/2013 23:29

Your dh sounds like a teenager!

I would ignore the big brat & let him get over himself...seriously he sounds ridiculous.

Original poster

Crazycake · 03/06/2013 23:43

Thank you both for replying so quickly! Backstory, when I met him(6 years ago) I lived alone with my 3 children and they are now 9, 13& 15. He had no children of his own, he's the same age as, moved away from home after uni but never cohabited with anyone. We fell madly in love vey quickly, never argued for at least 18 months etc. we had a DC together (now 2.5) and got married. It wasn't until I was pregnant, I realised how childish he is, he's never wrong, he's never sorry and he's still a teenager at heart! It's hard enough with 4 children and running my own business without having a 5th. When we met I was a restaurant manager, I gave it all up to be a childminder so I could spend all of my time with my lovely family. I have children from 5am until 6pm and when I ask for help around the house I get "I have a full time job"! Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly but he's so hard to handle sometimes

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazycake · 03/06/2013 23:48

That should say same age as me

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LadyMaiBlossom · 03/06/2013 23:59

Let him go and dont contact him.

Its so stupid to upset your kids by leaving like that.

I would tell him if he comes back that you cant have your kids upset like that when their dad leaves and what would he do if you did the same thing?

I would not have him back untill he relised what he had done and never does it again.

Original poster

Crazycake · 04/06/2013 00:01

Sorry, I didn't explain properly. The other 3are in bed and DD was asleep lay across me, he said it for my benefit.

OP posts:

LadyMaiBlossom · 04/06/2013 00:05

Ok same advice dont contact him. When he comes back let him talk first and then say no I dont want you.back and explaine about adult relationships.

He just wants attention and is.having a tanturm, its best ignored.

Original poster

Crazycake · 04/06/2013 00:05

I know I shouldn't have but I've texted him to check he's safe, he's sat on tescos car park 5 minutes away! I'm off to bed, playing stupid game so I can't sleep. He had the cheek to say in his text that I'm unreasonable

OP posts:

LadyMaiBlossom · 04/06/2013 00:06

Go to bed and get some sleep.

LadyMaiBlossom · 04/06/2013 00:08

You need to let him know that he cant act like that when you have.kids and he needs to grow up or ship off.

wannaBe · 04/06/2013 00:14

I think all the ltb type posts are a bit ott tbh.

It's bloody frustrating having to live with someone who is like that, but you need to have a rational discussion about it when you're both calm and not sleep deprived. It sounds as if you're both tired and tiredness does strange things to emotions and makes us act irrationally.

I understand that you were tired but equally, texting your dh who is in the same house as you to see what he's "playing at" (presumably by leaving your dd with you,) is a bit petty as well. Why not get up and deal with her? I realise that you need sleep but sadly parenting doesn't always work like that.

Don't have an argument about it tonight, wait until a time when you're both awake, emotions have calmed down and you can talk about it, preferably without a screaming two year old in the background.

As an aside, how is it that ILs dropped in to say hello if they live 1.5 hours away?

Original poster

Crazycake · 04/06/2013 00:21

Thanks wannabe. For what it's worth, I did get up an deal with her that's why she was cloning all over me, he was downstairs watching TV and will be in bed until lunchtime as its his day off tomorrow, but I do see where you're coming from. Part of the problem are his parents, they are always here, they don't understand privacy. They were on their way to SIL's house, our house is half way there so they popped in. I wonder why their kids moved so far away

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Walkacrossthesand · 04/06/2013 00:55

crazycake, I hope for your sake you are fast asleep now. So, you are a childminder who starts work at 0500 (lucky WOHMs to have you, prepared to start work at that hour!) but because you work at home looking after children, your DH doesn't count it as 'work' - until, that is, some of the 'not work' of looking after a child falls to him, when he decides not to take the couple of minutes it would have taken to settle DD off to sleep 'because mummy is sleeping' before he went back downstairs to watch TV. You are not being unreasonable, and I think you deserve an apology from him once you've explained it in those terms. I guess he'll decide to come back in the middle of the night disturbing you again. Good luck with finding a way forward.

Original poster

Crazycake · 04/06/2013 01:00

He's back now, snoring away

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Original poster

Crazycake · 04/06/2013 05:43

Well I've had just over an hours sleep. I've had a quick shower and 2 berocca (threw the first one up, sorry TMI) and I feel ready to start the day. As soon as everyone's here and my own children are ready I'm going to take them to the park with a picnic (still half term here).

I'll leave DH to his own devices, no doubt I'll get ignored all day and when I get home he'll be happy and jokey and act like nothing's happened...again! I used to try and make him sit down and talk things through when we're both calmer but it just falls on deaf ears and starts a huge argument again. He tells me he loves me up to 20 times a day, but it sometimes feels like it's just words when we can't actually talk about anything beyond day to day stuff.

OP posts:

LadyMaiBlossom · 04/06/2013 09:27

It seems you are married to a manchild that has no reason to change.

LemonDrizzled · 04/06/2013 09:37

Love is an action not empty words. He needs to spend some time looking after all of your children so you can recharge a little. You sound exhausted and demoralised. Could you arrange to spend a day out at the weekend so he appreciates your "work" a bit more? Or just stay in bed on your "day off" like he does?

BeCool · 04/06/2013 10:00

"I think all the ltb type posts are a bit ott tbh."
I cannot see ONE LTB comment on this thread!

Crazycake I had similar communication issues with my ex. It's very frustrating when 2 people cannot talk frankly and honestly.

Will he sulk now when he returns? This "I have a FT job" and not helping around the house issue is one I would be attacking at it's very root. It sounds like he uses the empty/excessive "I Love You's" and childish behaviour, sulking, over reacting etc as a way to relieve himself of any responsibility for parenting and contributing to the home.

I would be having a very serious talk.

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