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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what would you do..?

16 replies

SHHHH · 26/05/2006 17:51

Firsty I don't like "airing my laundry" so to speak but I need some advice.

Last weekend at dd's 1st birthday party my PIL were very drunk and basically said some shocking and hurtful comments to me.
The night ended with dh asking them to not talk like that to me and they decided to leave,nothing was sorted and it was all left in the air with me feeling quite upset and hurt.

DH feels that as they were drunk and I was the sober one that I should not take to heart what was said but he says he feels they were out of order.
I said at the time and I still feel the same now that I want an apology, it's the least they owe me. I have also said to dh that if I don't get an apology then I will not allow them to see dd.(how can I allow them to see my dd when they can't even be cival to me..?) If I do get an apology I am not even sure if I want to see then again, at least not for a while. I have always had a rocky relationship with my pil (MAINLY MIL) but I NEVER thought it could come to this. I thought we could be amicable to some extent.

They usually call by phone during the week and every weekend without fail we have to see them...BUT I am thinking this one will be the same..So far we haven't heard off them since saturday nights argument.

I have voiced my issues with dh and he says he agrees and that he will wait for an apology but something makes me feel he will hope things blow over and that it will all be forgotten. I personally don't want that to happen. I also know that dh is quite stressed about the whole issue so I feel like I am being forced to back down.
I feel they may call and make a joke of it etc and that dh will "lie" to me an say "ph yeah they called and aplogised" etc. (I am out tomorrow). I am not underestimating dh as a man or questioning him etc but I just want him to support me as his dw...thats all...I want all concerned to know that we are all adults now and no longer the kids we were 20 years ago iywkim. Gone are the days I was sent to my room for backchat etc.The fact that I was spoken to like that at all yet in my own home has shocked me.

What would you do..? Sorry to go on.....

OP posts:
Angeliz · 26/05/2006 17:57

I would expect an apology too, drunk or not.
TBH it's hard to say what effect it would have on them seeing the Grandchildren as i don't know what was said. If i thought they were likely to say anything about me to my children then i'd stop them seeing them. If they are doting Grandparents however i'd be thinking about the kids feelings. (Even though i'd probably want to tell them where to go myself)
I do think your DP should be a bit more supportive.

TheLadyVanishes · 26/05/2006 17:58

I would want an apology face to face (or over the phone) and that way you will know your dh isn't going to lie about them calling him and leaving the message. Personnally i thinks its unacceptable to be treat like that (why does dh insist on talking about the world cup to me!! its going in one ear and out of the other!!!!) sorry about that, where was I oh yes totally wrong and I think some bridges need to be built on your PIL side (i bet they are really ashamed of themselves which is why they haven't called)

stick to your guns!!

TheLadyVanishes · 26/05/2006 17:59

btw did they do it in front of your dd?

Angeliz · 26/05/2006 18:01

O.K i've just reread your post. Your dd's 1st Birthday??

That makes it 100 times worse. I missed that bit.
I'd be furious!
My sister ruined my DD's Christening and i do not forgive her.

1Baby1Bump · 26/05/2006 18:07

i wouldnt stand for it. they wouldnt see any of us till got an apology. even then it would not be very often.

Original poster
SHHHH · 26/05/2006 18:15

see I don't think I am in a position to stop them seeing their gd totally mainly because they are dh's parents iykwim...I feel it would be unfair to him to put him in that position BUT I feel that as his dw he needs to take into account whats been said and done.

angeliz I did think about what you said before you said it..I can't be 100% how they would be about me to dd..would there be the odd dig about me etc..?? I know dh's gp was like that to him about his dad and he's not spoken to her for years...

BTW dd didn't see but may have heard things..she was in bed. But the fact that it happened at her party Angry. She may not remember BUT I always will.

OP posts:
Original poster
SHHHH · 26/05/2006 18:17

tlv, I'd like the think they are embarrassed and thats why they haven't called...something makes me think maybe they are waiting for an apology from me..??!!!!

I feel it's all to easy for them to say "we were drunk, we don't remember,thats life blah de dah"...

OP posts:
Angeliz · 26/05/2006 18:21

I think al you can do is play the waiting game and see if they are big enough to apologise. If they don't and you feel you must see them because of DP and they haven't mentioned it, i would bring it up and have it out.

Feel for you! All my in laws live far far away!

Original poster
SHHHH · 26/05/2006 18:26

angeliz, think you may have got the wrong message..I will only feel a need to see them AFTER they have aplogised due to dh and their gd etc.I don;t think I could stop that. BUT I won't be making any visit until I have an apology..!!

BTW dh is wanting to move away and even more so since this...sad but I suppose it's a good idea Wink.!! Lucky you..but don't you then get one "hit" for a few days or more..? Don't know whats worse..seeing them weekly or having them stay for a day or a week. Shock.

OP posts:
TheLadyVanishes · 26/05/2006 18:28

god would rather see them once a week coz if they are retired then visits for a week could become more frequent!

Original poster
SHHHH · 26/05/2006 18:39

don't say that!!! arrrggghhh..!!!

OP posts:
IamBlossom · 26/05/2006 19:11

I think you should stick to your guns and wait for the apology. However, i do think your DH hs been very supportive so far compared to alot of partners, the fact that he said they were out of order at the time and asked them to leave, the fact that he agrees with your strategy in coping with it....I would expect the same from my DH, but lots of people wouldn't take such an obvious stand against their own parents as he has for you. Good on him I say.

Original poster
SHHHH · 27/05/2006 07:56

Thanks Iamblossom...I suppose I am lucky, I just feel that we are a family now iykwim. I am not wanting to take him from his family or to cause an argument with them etc BUT his loyalty should lie with us...although blood is thicker than water...well thats me out Wink..!!

OP posts:
Earlybird · 27/05/2006 08:24

Oh goodness, those drunken pronouncements are the worst - so painful!

Why sit around and wait for an apology? Could you or your husband not say something like "we know you had alot to drink at the party, so may not remember what transpired, but you were seriously out of order. Some dreadful/hurtful things were said, and an apology is owed. Drunk or sober, there's no excuse for saying those sorts of things, and you need to make a serious effort to repair the damage so that we can draw a line under it and move on."

Think I'd be proactive (or get your dh to be), and tell them they overstepped the line in a big way, instead of passively waiting for them to come up with an apology on their own....especially if you think they're likely to try to shrug/laugh it off.

Blu · 27/05/2006 08:39

Shhhhhh - I'm SO sorry to hear that your DDs b'day was spoiled - really upsetting.

I think there is a lot to be said for Earlybird's approach. Rather than sit around like a hurt victim, you would be taking the reins, and it's also the generous thing to do as you are offereing them the chance to make it right. By taking the 'high status' position of being the one to bring it up, you can then afford to do it in quite a non-confrontational way : "I know you are brilliant gps for DD, so could we just clear the air about something that was said the other night, so we can move on and be a happy family again? I would just like to hear thhat you don't REALLY thnk that I'm......". In fact, call themm, be friendly, and then bring it up. If they don't take the cahnce offered to them, then it really is them escalating the hostility, and bahaving v badly indeed. AND your dh will have no option than to see that.

Bloody hard work - sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.

Original poster
SHHHH · 27/05/2006 15:00

I see what eb is saying BUT throughout dh & i's relationship I ALWAYS seem to be the one who has to accept "thats how they are" , the comments I have heard over the years and the snide remarks etc have been pushed aside due to the fact that "they were drunk" or "they didn't mean it" or "they were joking" or "thats just how x is" BUT now I have had enough. I think it's because of the fact it happened in our home and the fact that dd is now on the scene..I am now a mother and not just dh's wife.

Yes I am stubborn BUT I feel I have every right to be..I keep thinking..well if they don't contact us it's no loss to me..BUT it will be a loss to dh and sadly for dd...It would also be a bigger loss for pil..Sad. Something makes me think they need to come around in their own time...I sure the thought of dd..it won't be too long.

OP posts:
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