Worried my postnatal grumpiness has blighted my relationship

[MissMitten]

I am hoping someone else has had a similar experience and can tell me it turned out ok...basically, I wasn't very happy for several (like 9) months after having my son, who is now 18 months old. Of course, I knew that having a baby means lack of sleep and giving up a lot of things for a while, and logically I accepted that. But I was really grumpy a lot of the time while I was on maternity leave. I felt resentful about the (sometimes extreme) sleep deprivation and I found being at home with DS generally exhausing and difficult - DS wasn't a particularly easy baby and I never got any down time. Plus, I really enjoy my job and I missed the stimulation and freedom that comes with work. Also, I think I may have been suffering from some kind of postnatal illness, as I was terribly anxious a lot of the time - almost gave up driving as was too scared, that sort of thing.

Anyway, I am ashamed to say that I took it out on my partner quite a bit. He is a lovely man and was great in many ways during that time. He did all the cooking, looked after DS as much as he could at weekends, and generally tried to be positive and helpful. He was a bit insensitive about how I was feeling after the birth but then perhaps I wasn't forthcoming enough with telling him how I felt. I'm afraid I was often passive-aggressive towards him, and rather negative about things a lot of the time. I tried every single day to make things different and be more positive, but it was often a struggle by the evening.

Things are much better now. I have been back at work for 9 months and am feeling much more like myself again, and therefore more positive and fun to be with. DS is lovely and I am enjoying the toddler stage much more than babyhood. Most of the time things are fine with DP and me, but every week or two he gets very cross about how I was for the 9 months I was on maternity leave and starts telling me how difficult I was and how angry it has made him. I have apologised more than once and have admitted to my bad bahaviour, and he is pleased that I've done that. But he can't seem to move on from it. Obviously, he is upset, but I am sad about it too as I can't turn back the clock and I don't want him to keep on thinking of me like that. I'm trying not to get too down about it, but am feeling pretty bad about myself.

Has anyone been through similar?

Not been through it but tjat's a bit unkind.

Your doing much better you've said you are sorry, you were under a lot of stress. He should accept it and move on.

Can you say to him that if he doesn't let it go then he's making the time you have now unhappy when it doesnt have to be.

"you're" doing much better, sorry!

I had PND, and DH bore the brunt. He was working full time and he took on a lot of the cooking and caring for DS1 when he was home.

I was pretty awful to live with, but DH has never thrown any of it in my face, never referred to it in a negative way. I would have been distraught if he had. Our marriage vows were 'in sickness and in health'. I was sick and he was there for me. It never occurred to either of us that he wouldn't be.

He needs to let it go and move on. What is he planning to do - hold it against you forever and keep bringing it up whenever he feels like it? He is being very unkind and unsupportive, and essentially undoing anything supportive that he did at the time because he is making you feel crap for having needed that support in the first place.

Thanks both for the supportive words. I don't think he means to be unkind - he says it all just comes flooding back sometimes, whenever we have the slightest tiff. We had a little chat when he got home this evening and he says he is sorry for bringing it up again and will try and get over it.

If you had PND then you were ill. Your DH may be entitled to be angry about the effect that had on the family, but not AT you. If he is still struggling with it he needs to get counselling.

When you say he helped out as much as he could on weekends, what exactly are we talking? A few hours rest for you or did you get a full unbroken night's sleep every weekend? What do you mean by he was 'insensitive' to your needs?

Anyone who tries to make their partner feel 'bad' about themselves by repeatedly referring to their past is not a great partner, sorry, though I accept maybe he's floundering in his ability to deal with it - in which case I again suggest counselling as it's his problem to deal with, not yours. Just as he couldn't make your PND go away, you can't make his anger go away.