Toxic sister

[Stardust123]

Hi all, after logging in at the end of April 2013 after having cut contact with my sister, I haven not been too bad at all with regards to anxiety. Had a good holiday away last week. My husband told me last night that my sister came round 2 days before our holiday and left a note again for my children, saying 'Dear a & b, hope you and mom and dad are okay, and that you have an nice holiday' here is some ice cream money, etc. love you always aunty ___. Is it just me or is this manipulative? The last text I sent her said in effect that I realise how toxic she is and that she will never change and that I would never bother her again. This was after I asked her to meet me so that I could discuss with her and perhaps try and get her to change (yeah, like thats gonna happen) and she put the phone down. it has brought my anxiety to the forefront again just seeing this note, it's obvious that I am going to read it. So does anyone else think this is mind games ?? She actually delivered the note, knocked on the door and spoke to my husband and said I don't know what I've done, then proceeded to talk about herself as usual. Sick of it. Want to text and say don't send any gifts for me, or my children as they are not welcome. Yes this is harsh, but what else is going to get the message through ?? !!

I would ignore her. Her type thrive on attention/confrontation/manipulation.

If you really mean to have no contact - and I think you do - then the clue is in the term: "No Contact"

I think the letter was her trying to hoover you so that you would pay her some attention. Tear it up, drop it in the bin and don't respond.

Oh and yes, it couldn't have been more manipulative.

She did this to get a reaction out of you. So have your reaction, but don't let her see it!

This will get easier. it really will.

She gave a gift to my mother to give to me. I told Mum I didn't want it, but she rudely insisted on giving it to me. next time I went to my mother's house, I took the present with me and left it there.

I got presents sent to my DS last christmas, I sent them back in the next collection. package marked Return to Sender.

People like these sisters of ours can't bear thinking that others aren't thinking about them. so let her stew. don't ever react to her.

I felt sick at the time, but it gets easier.

the only thing that will get the message through to her is to NOT ever respond.

Expect her to not go quietly though... but the answer is always the same. SILENCE.

Come on here and chat to us if you need to?

Your sister's actions were manipulative.

Do not respond at all to your sister.

Hi Stardust,
Ignore your sister and her actions. Manipulative, yes.

She is using your Dh to get to your dc without involving you, per your specification. When you set the boundary for yourself, did you tell her this goes for your dc as well? If you did not make that clear, she will see nothing wrong with contacting your dc, iyswim.

You may need to have your Dh be a more effective barrier for you. Apparently, he will need to refuse contact with her as well. Ask him to not accept anything from her again.

Then, perhaps, expect sister to post things directly to your children. You can return to sender or just straight into the bin and make no reference to it. Even at Christmas.

I am glad you had a nice holiday.

Thanks everyone, only just picked up the replies, think I am doing something wrong somewhere. Yes, I think she thinks she can just carry on sending gifts to my kids, as if nothing has happened, until i come to my senses type thing and 'it all blows over' The mere fact that she had been round, and thinks she can still be involved in my life has set my anxiety off again. This is why my hubby didn't tell me before our holiday. I can't believe she has done this, at the end of April I made it clear that I wouldn't contact her again. Within a month, she is sending this note with money, then next month its my daughters birthday, my birthday in august, my husbands in november, then Christmas. I don't really want to have to continue to deal with this situation ongoing and I am mad that she seems to know 'no barriers'. Why knock on the door and speak to my husband, she could have just put letter through the door. It was obvious I wasn't home as my car wasn't on drive. I know some people can't understand anxiety but it's a horrible condition, people won't understand how even the mention of a person can cause anxiety. I know I have to get over this somehow, but having her in my life is not the answer. I feel I developed anxiety due to ongoing stressful situation that I felt I couldn't handle. I feel like sending her a text saying, something like 'Please don't send any money for the children or little notes with messages that obviously I am going to read, as well as them. It is not welcome. I have had to end our relationship as you know, and am feeling a lot better now that I have done so. Please do not contact me or the children with gifts, cards or anything else. ' I must admit, I do feel guilty about this one, as I know she is fond of them. How do I deal with that !?
What does everyone think ? I do appreciate the replies, Mumsnet is great. x

She's doing it to make YOU the bad guy, the ungrateful one.

She is poisonous. Your DC would be better off NOT having someone in their lives that doesn't respect/love their mother.

Was your decision to cut her off taken lightly? Did you do it on a whim?

No.

You didn't. You did it for good reason. You are an adult, you can deal with manipulation, your DC can't.

Don't respond. Return the gifts, or just give them away.

Yeah it feels shit, but having a toxic person in your life is worse in the long run.

Thanks Hissy, but isn't returning the gifts responding in a way ? I feel crap at the minute, but felt I had to cut contact due to anxiety. Although still feeling anxiety, sick of it, anyone who hasn't had it will not understand and I can't blame them. I don't even like this woman, why has she got under my skin so much !? Has anyone else experienced anxiety with regards to a toxic person? I acutally think she doesn't intend to be toxic and she thinks well that's the way I am and that's it. I did not cut her off on a whim and I have no desire to re-kindle the relationship but I am worried about bumping into her, she only lives 3 miles away and also at forthcoming family events, I even avoided one wedding that I was meant to go to on Saturday. I don't want to create more anxiety by avoidance! I just want to feel better. Thanks all.x

Has anyone else experienced anxiety with regards to a toxic person?

Yes, and to be entirely honest, cutting contact (which I've only done partially) was only half of the story. I needed to get help with the anxiety as a separate issue, which I've done via the doctor. There are still flare ups.

I think if you have not already done so, you need to make it clear that she is not welcome in your or your family's lives in any capacity. Tell her that any gifts or letters for the children will go straight into the bin. Don't use your energy explaining or giving details. Don't respond to any questions. Then put everything straight in the bin as if they were fliers from your local take-away. Don't get tempted to check for banknotes, don't have a sneaky peek. Just put them in the bin or take them to a charity shop.

Eventually, over time, it'll start being like second nature, and she'll probably get bored.

I sent the gifts back. Mostly as if I accepted them, thanks would be required, and contact.

My son would have to thank her. I didn't want her gifts in my house, emitting their toxins, festering away in my son's room.

So I felt that the act of returning the parcel - and I didn't even write Return to Sender on it, the Post Office did, she could see I rejected her, and that she wouldn't :ave any more access to me or my family.

So far, there's been nothing else. My birthday is coming in a couple of weeks, so there maybe something then.

I doubt it though, cos by her actions she really hates me to my very core.

Don't be anxious. You have done nothing wrong. Perhaps practising what you would say if you bumped into her might help, so that IF it ever happens, you have a plan to fall back on.

Yes you will have to select events to attend.

You could, in time, open up to others and tell them what has gone on.

You'll be astonished at the reactions of others, mostly in good ways!

Hi Stardust,
Imho, you need to get your dh to cover for you...as he did in with holding the recent missive from your sister; but then he should have returned it or trashed it instead of expose you to it.

No contact is no contact...zero tolerance...and it sounds like you need this as any mention of her triggers an emotional flooding from which it takes considerable time to detox. It isn't about her or what others think, it is about what you need...and it isn't at all inappropriate to look out for your self, your own mental health.

In going no contact with my sister, I tapered off over 4 or 5 years. The Christmas/birthday gifts that I received, I did send "thank you" notes as sister is a stickler for "properness" (if that's a word)... every thank you note, no matter what was given, was thus:

Dear Sister
"Thank you for the wonderful gift. Your kindness is greatly appreciated."

Me
(It's a form letter ).

(Normally I sign off every letter with "Take care, Love, Me" but I knocked that off and that was that.)

I did return the last bd gift which was our old family movies when we were children (from the 1960s and 70s) put onto DVDs. I did not watch them. My other sister said that only about two min. of visible images transferred as the film was badly deteriorated.
This was a 'first installment, she would send more as she had them done'.
I felt it necessary to return them and let her know I was not interested in them-so she would not make anymore on my behalf. My counselor said it was a manipulation to show me as a child again-so she could be superior and treat me like that; and also, a "look what I have done" kind of show off.

Imho, making announcements to her beyond what you have already said is a waste of time. Just operate on the action of a mature person who has set the boundary...that toxic sister doesn't get it or won't get it makes her look the pathetic, immature one whose brain can not evolve as you patiently cast off her offerings (she is like a cat bringing a dead bird to you).

Sorry I haven't replied to you all, I really appreciated the responses. Still thinking about how to handle it, my daughters birthday in 3 weeks, so expecting presents etc. Wish I had texted her straight after Whitsun now to say please don't send anything further. Feeling better, the comment about cutting contact was only half the story really helped me thank you Looking Through The Fog, how are you now and did your anxiety relate to a family member, how do you deal with it now ? Thank you all !!

OP. i also have a toxic sister. we are talking (sort of) now. i still hate her. she has done me wrong. i am Passive Aggressive apparently. so i am trying to make things better cos i don't want my elderly parents upset. she is a cow. and every conversation is awkward. i just don't like her. ugly old boot. sorry. good luck to you.

Lovesherdogs "ugly old boot" made me smile.

My counselor recommended that I create a funny name for my toxic sister to reduce the negativity when/if I ever talk/think about her (not talking to her at present). I never got around to it but do refer to her factually as 'the second born'.