I can't stop thinking about what he said

[Confusedmind]

I've NC to protect everyone involved.

My husband and I had a row months ago now, but the one thing that plays on my mind is when he said you were fucked up when I met you Now I do accept I was in a very bad place when I got into a relationship, two months before I had split with my xp and then a few weeks after that I MC at 17 weeks. He knew all of this as he was a friend, yet through it all at me when I said I was struggling with the relationship and I was considering leaving.

He wasn't in a great state of mind either and it hurt so much having him say that.

Now I just want to tell him to fuck off, he knew exactly why I was vulnerable, I was quite young too.

Help me to move on from this, please.

You sound like you are feeling resentment and this is still festering as you have been unable to resolve it. Many people say things in rows that they don't mean- perhaps this is the case. What is your relationship like with him normally? Can you talk to him calmly and rationally about how you are feeling? Is there anyone else you can confide in?

Yes, you're right, I am feeling quite resentful about it all. Our relationship has been very neutral in the main but my husband has suddenly been trying to be more attentive to me since he realised I've lost a stone in weight

I can talk to him normally and calmly but he will say that he 'didn't think, that it was heat of the moment' type thing. I have spoken to him about it before. But he doesn't like to bring things up. I have no one IRL to confide in.

Well if 'fucked up' was intended as an insult that is one thing. If he meant you 'were in a bad place, vulnerable due to difficult and sad things having happened in your life' that is another although I don't particularly like his choice of expression.
Have you ever shouted in a row about his bald spot/ rotten teeth / inability to change a plug (basically about anything he sees as a weak trait)? We often pick on what we perceive as weak spots in rows. I know I have done it.
Perhaps he means it when he says it was the heat of the moment, and needs to fully understand how hurt you felt about his choice of language.
If there is no one in RL you can talk to about it do you mean you do not have supportive friends... is there anything you can do about this- join a club, interest group, anything like that?

It was said in a nasty way, which is why it keeps replaying over and over. I've never been nasty about him, beyond saying I wish he would show emotion and help around the house.

I want to join a sporting activity but the time it's on would be impossible as I would have no one to look after my DC, the only 'friends' I currently have are the mums I occasionally talk to at the school gate.

I'm not surprised you're pissed off. He's being incredibly insulting and I think he said it in the sense of 'you owe me'.... which, of course, is totally wrong. Maybe he thinks because he took you on when you were at a low point you should be so grateful that you never challenge him? It's really not unheard of for bullying/controlling types to latch onto someone who appears vulnerable and put on a show of being the rescuer. People are much easier to control when they are down after all. Do you have no friends because he makes it difficult for you to socialise? Does he scare people off who might get close to you?

I don't think you 'move on' tbh... I think you need to air this one fully and make it quite clear that you're your own person and he is not your Big Saviour ... or however he sees himself.

He doesn't stop me meeting people or having friends, he's very welcoming of anyone I may meet, but it's me. I'm wary after having a very nasty 'friend' who ended up leaving me with some facial scarring. So I worry about meeting people in case they turn out to be as crazy as she was.

He does seem to see that he has saved me, as do a lot of my family as my life was spiraling out of control but then some normality came along, but that could be because I fell pregnant again shortly after meeting him.

I'm not afraid to let him know that I am a full person, but I think because I am at home, I become part of the furniture...

Do you think you losing weight has made him feel insecure that you will attract more men and maybe leave him so being more attentive and 'reminding' you that were (ie still are!) and/or are owe him the loyalty of staying even though you are visibly more together as symbolised by losing weight?

The comments were made before I started losing weight, but there is a huge difference in how he is behaving towards me since I found out what I've lost so far. I did ask him this but he didn't answer.

personally i think too much is being read into this. Maybe he just fancies you more now you've lost weight? Maybe its made him look at you anew. I know a simple thing like changing my hair colour has made previous partners more attentive to me. I sympathise with the no one in real life bit as I have the same. I know i need to make an effort though and am going to join a local group. Can you be brave and ask one of the school gate mums? Maybe do a swap, you look after hers once a week and she can look after yours? Or if its too scary to ask out right just mention in passing and see if anyone bites the bait. You'd be surprised how happy some people can be to help out.

As for his comment, it sounds like it really wounded you but people do just say things in the heat of the moment, and once said they can't be unsaid. Also he would have felt threatened/ scared by you saying you were considering leaving and that would almost certainly have led to him lashing out through fear.

It's a nice idea showehead, I'll have to try and mention it in passing, although most won't want to have the toddler as they're long past that stage!

He could well have been lashing out in the heat of the moment, but I was trying to be calm and controlled withit, and be as kind as I could about it (lots at that point had been on my mind, actions we had both done) but it just seemed to be too far below the belt.

Yes, I was totally messed up, but I don't think anyone who goes through a split and a MC isn't IYSWIM? Maybe I didn't think he felt that way about me.

Sorry Showerhead