AIBU siblings and my DCs - are my expectations too high?

[Stepmooster]

Hi, trying to keep this simple. Sister and I not amazingly close although improving since we both had DC1 each in last year. My DC is slightly older and birthday get together has been arranged. Sister knew I was planning something for family and close friends as we don't all live near each other and we hardly meet up.

Her DH sent me a message that they will be away on holiday during DC1's birthday.

I might add our mother died less than 2 years ago, although she was a narcisist and my sister and I had no contact, it did hurt us both. This means my DCs 1st birthday (and all the photos) will be full of DH's family. My dad will probably be there but that's it.

I'm very sad for my DC I thought sister and I were going to make effort to not let the family fall apart for sake of our DCs. If she can't plan her holiday around important family events, then I should I be investing a lot of emotions and time in trying to keep us all in touch?

I should imagine that she will do something for her DC and we will make the effort to attend, but it does seem like its only me who thinks about family get togethers and xmas and birthdays.

My DH is a bit peed off too, are we being unreasonable? Is it normal to expect your siblings to make first birthdays especially when we haven't done the christening thing?

Yes expectations too high.

First birthday?

If you see your sister having a holiday as 'the family falling apart' then you do sound a bit needy.
Is that why her DH messaged? Did she expect you'd take it badly?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable . Some people ( I'm one!) just don't register birthdays as important , apart from things like 50th birthdays.
I love all my nieces md nephews but their first birthdays weren't even on my radar.
There are any number of reasons for planning a holiday at a specific time. Yabu to think they should plan it round your child's birthday.
Have fun on the day

I'm afraid I also think this is a bit unreasonable, if your children are older then 2nd, 3rd 4th birthdays aren't things you stay home and don't go on holiday for, you go if convenient and you are not away.

Hmmm our mother died in horrible circumstances and we only have each other and my dad. My sister never arranges anything, she never calls me. Every contact is arranged by me. If I want visit to see her and her DC I have to ask.

Is that normal? Honestly I have no idea my in-laws are so pro-active. They're all coming. They will be thinking where is your sister? Just like DH is miffed too.

We hardly see each other 2 or 3 times a year is that normal?

I'm sorry, I think there's a touch of the PFB about this, do you really expect your entire extended family to turn up for your lo's first birthday?

I think you don't need to worry so much what your DH's family do and work out your own contact and family- three times a year, with lots of little kids to arrange, kind of sounds ok to me unless you live very close, but it's what you want/are happy with that counts. But I wouldn't find it very helpful to have a tutting DH or family around, are you really sure they would notice if an aunt doesn't turn up because she's on a family holiday?

Well it was DH reaction that got me thinking. I dunno, I'm not from a normal family background, my mother was abusive which has probably damaged me for life and made me 'needy'.

I came on here to find out what's normal. Not me it seems!

For the record I'm not asking anyone to rearrange holidays or guilt tripping anyone. My reply was, 'no worries,'.

Anyway will try not to dwell on it, 3 less mouths to feed.

Agree with everyone else. Your expectations are too high / unreasonable / very PFB.
I love my nieces and nephews, and would willingly go along to any birthday tea / celebration if I wasn't doing anything else, but I wouldn't plan my holiday around it.
If it really is so important to you, then why not just have the celebration before they go or after they get back ? Your baby won't have a clue what's going on anyway, this is really about you, so choose to have your family get together at a time when all the family can get together. (People with August Birthdays, or Birthdays on Christmas day, do this all the time - it's great, having "2birthdays" ).

We planned it when DSS could be there. He needs to be here for his sister's first birthday.

That PFB stuff, I don't think its that. Its realising my DC aren't going to have much to do with my side of the family. My DH's family live just as far away but they are in contact and see us a lot more. How do I explain that when DC starts to ask questions?

If I didn't contact my sister I'm pretty sure we'd never talk or see each other.

It was the same for my grans last xmas (my gran was a bit like a second mother). I asked her if she was going to come up, and she went to stay with her boyfriend instead.

That hurt me. On NY day my gran went in hospital for months on end my sister saw her once to say she gotten engaged and then the weekend before she died. I spent EOW with my gran and helped dad with the funeral. My sister lived closer than me.

I feel like the glue that keeps us all together.

DH got miffed too (not his first born or my in-laws either), made me feel a bit more justified in feeling sad.

Stepmooster I am going to be honest with you and this may just be my personal experience but you just have to let go of this 'ideal' family when you have a child and go with what you have got. It's not the frequency that determines how close you are, and it's not up to you how many times your sister visited your gran, she may have felt twice was just fine. My attitude is, now I have spent years fretting over not having an ideal family, that as long as they are not toxic or horrid, that you make the most of what you have- so if it's two or three visits a year, with two families with children (which sounds a reasonable amount to me) then so be it- your children may have a great time seeing their cousins but they may not be living in their pockets.

Your husband is just trying to support you and is agreeing it's bad, because that's how you feel, but there won't be the same amount of contact or the same traditions or the same experiences equally with both families and I feel you are panicking yours are left out whereas actually, if you stopped focusing on these 'perfect' family occasions you do have family who may have a lot to offer your children, even if it is in more casual meet-ups rather than these big occasion birthdays (which I don't know anyone who has the whole family attend anyway).

Thanks mumsyblouse, I just have no idea what's normal. I can't look back at my childhood experiences and say, hey this is normal and this isn't. It does seem then I have married into a family who are heavily into the family thing. I thought that was normal. Its my first DC and I just want to get it right for them. t

Just accept what she feels comfortable with - meeting up a few times sounds nice especially if you are far apart. I come from an estranged family and none of us are very good at keeping in touch. We haven't had the practice and we don't have a shared history anyway.

Your dh family sound great, my dh's are like that too, I just enjoy being with them and encourage my dc to have the same family ethics and grow up with them - as its not forced. At least his family like doing the family thing.

Keep in touch with your dsis as your friendship will grow, if you let it naturally. Sounds as though there is a lot of water under the bridge.

Is that you my dear sister?
Actually I know its not as the details are so different but I fear she could have written this or similar posts about me. I love her beyond words, she is a focal point that our whole family spins around. My Nana was like this and one of my Aunts is to - in my family there seems to be one for each generation.
On the other hand I am appalling at family stuff, I forget birthdays (unless they are major and even then its usually as my sister reminds me). I live abroad so in crisis I am either not there or I turn up at the last minute - this drives her crazy. For her family comes above all else - it always has, and it always will.
In a way we feed off each other - she acts all responsible, organizes everything and I rely on that, equally she makes out she gets all the stress because she has to organize things weeks/months in advance its June I have no idea what I am doing at Christmas I wonder if you two have slipped into roles? The difference is I guess my sister and I are close and we laugh about it.
Because you seem so sad about I do think you need to speak with her - probably without small babies if that is possible and not in the context of the birthday or it will seem like a one off. Focus on how you want the relationship to be - but be prepared for your desires to be different to hers. However it does sound like your DSS and baby have a close and welcoming family in DH's - maybe you just need to rejoice in that?

Totally being unreasonable.

Siblings-schmiblings. It's a random accident of DNA that society makes us call a family. Some are close, some aren't.

I think, probably based on your past relationship with your own parent(s) you are trying to create a perfect Oxo family (if you are old enough to remember the ads!)

You probably need to chill a bit not only about your relationship with your sister, but the whole 1st birthday thing, or you'll risk coming over as a MumZilla.

You have a family.....you, dh and the child. Concentrate on what you naturally have, and not what you want to create.

FWIW- my cousins and I lived nearby till we were teens. Couldn't stand the sight of any of them. The forced socialisation because you are family can be even more destructive than the not-coming-to-parties just because DNA is involved.

Friends are far more important (and reliable) than family. Because we choose them in our lives.

I know how you feel somewhat, though I am (now) close to my parents. We did go through a lot of rough times as a family. I have one brother who is very "difficult" and we aren't close. My extended family (cousins etc) is spread everywhere, many aunts, uncles, cousins on my mom's side I haven't seen in years and probably won't again. I was very lonely as a child.

My parents live a five hour drive away and though they are good about coming to see the DCs (and I'm trying to get better about going there ) I don't see them too often. And my brother didn't meet my DS until DS was well over a year old. I just had DD on Monday and we are going to visit my parents at the end of this month. My brother will be there and will meet her then, otherwise I have no idea how long he would go before trying to see her. It's just not a priority to him.

DH's family, on the other hand, all live around here and we see them all the time. (Sometimes more than I'd like, yes I'm looking at you "D" BIL ). We all show up for the kids' birthdays, my PILS watch DS all the time, etc.

It just is what it is. I agree with Mumsy, you do have to make the best of what you have. It is hard sometimes!

I hope your DC has a wonderful first birthday. :)

It's also totally OK to tell your dh's family that you are just not close to your sister. Especially if you follow it up by saying how much you appreciate their support/closeness. My dh hardly talks to his family at all, whereas I speak to my mother/siblings every week (we live abroad). Different families, different dynamics. It's not a reflection on you, it's almost certainly a reflection of the effect your mum had on you both, and it may take a very long time for you and your sister to recover.

If it is important to you to see your sister and her children, then make the effort, but don't feel that you have to. So long as your children are surrounded by friends that love you and them it doesn't hugely matter if they are related to you or not.

Also at one your child will not know or care if your sister and their cousin is at the party or not, nor will s/he particularly care about the photos in years to come.

Oh, and congratulations on the birth of your dd CheerfulYank! Did she end up being called Maggie in the end?

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. I could be you... But I'm a few years on.. Our oldest DC's are now 8 yrs old, and I have desperately tried to be the glue to keep us together. Our father died 6 yrs ago, he was the glue. Our mother, rather on the toxic side I'm afraid, never puts family first and never kept us together.. Put herself and her grief first, running for the hills every family birthday or celebration.. Now she's remarried and spends nearly all her time abroad.. Boy is she missing out.
My sister has her only DC, we have four DC.. And I too have bent myself backwards over the years, twisting myself into knots trying to keep some kind of family together. Me making all the effort. Hosting get togethers.
Now, 6 years on, there is no family element left. We never get together. We don't get on anymore. I tolerate my mother and meet her for coffee once in a blue moon when she's in the country.
There was so much hurt associated with our father dying, my sister can't get over it.
Our DC's were so close in the first year or two of their lives... Now, they don't really see each other, due to me and my sister not getting on.
It's sad. And I wish it was different.
But, I'm rose tinted... As it was always me who organised everything and it was always at my house. And it was 'good old miss lurkalot'... And I ran myself ragged after them.
I began to be the only one who made any effort... To the point I remembered kids birthdays, they didn't.
They got more useless and more useless.. Replacing family with friends... And now, because I won't be treated like a doormat anymore and because I actually dared to stick up for myself and my own family, we don't actually have a family anymore.
Everyone was so selfish and did what they wanted... It broke my heart, but I couldn't beat them. So I had to join them. We are selfish now, and we put ourselves first,
We don't see my sister and her family anymore,
My daughter doesn't see her cousin anymore.
So sad, but I have to put my family first and keep them away from their useless extended family.
Who only wants us when they need something.. Like childcare. I'm their family when it suits them,
I've had to change.. I'm no longer being treated like shit.
It hit a nerve for me in your post when you side keeping the family together for both your DC's. That's what I did.. But I couldn't keep it going by myself.. And I was so scared of history repeating itself, and my DC was beginning to be let down and confused my this on off family.
I was twisting myself up into an awful mess trying to keep things going. I realised two years ago, the birth of DC3 that it was all so toxic and to cut our losses and stop making the effort.
We're all now on the same page.. I'm not running myself ragged as the only one who cared and made an effort to keep the family together.
It's sad, but now, our family comes first. What I wanted with my extended family, I truly have with my own family, my husband and now 4 children.
I'm so sorry you've not had the answer you maybe wanted in here. I want to scream 'yes, she's bloody useless and you have every right to be upset'.... But, that was me two years ago...
You cannot change your sister. She is who she is, warts and all. You seem to be at different stages in your grief.
Maybe your sister is trying to switch off from family to deal with her grief, I don't know... And you're desperately trying to cling on to the family you have left with your grief.
Maybe you want and need different things.
My advice to you would be to cling on to your lovely DP and your DC.. They are your family... They are what truly matters and surround yourself with other family members and/or friends who love you and treat you the way you should be treated.
Everyone else... "Expect the minimum, anything else you get is a bonus"... xxxx

Thank you nooka! :) Yes, she is Margaret Rose. So far we tell people her name is Maggie, and that's what DH calls her, but I call her Maggie Rose most of the time and DS and both grandmothers call her Margaret.

Sorry for the hijack OP!

It's also to do with the timings of birthday ime. If your child has a birthday in the summer but during term-time, then that's the kind of time that people with pre-school children will go away and people with school-age dc will be up to the eyeballs with sports days, plays, concerts and school trips.

If you have a child with a birthday between the third week of July and the 1st week of September, then it's best to forget about holding a party on or near the actual birthday, particularly once dc are school-age, as everybody will be away and it will be very tumble-weedy. If your child has a birthday a week before Christmas, or between Christmas and new year, then that is also tricky, as people tend to go away and visit family, see tumbleweed as above.

Otoh if you've managed to time your child for some really dull slot in the annual calendar like the middle of February or the second week of November, then you can guarantee that people will be biting your arm off to come to even the dullest-sounding party.

I really wouldn't take it too personally, people are in the main trying to do the best they can with all the things they have to juggle - sometimes get-togethers work out really well, sometimes notsomuch. If she really is trying to distance herself from you, then you'll find that out in time anyway. But don't assume ill-will or even lack of interest where it may not have been intended. Over the years we've had huge birthday parties with half the class attending and tiny birthday parties with just us - both have their advantages, it's just how it rolls.

Sorry but YABU
My own sister is similar and complains we don't visit often enough. We see each other probably every 2-3 months. It's a 2 hour drive each way, it's more than enough for me and my family.
My sister drives me away and makes me want to see her less with her demands and neediness. She's always criticising what I should/shouldn't be doing (in terms of sisterly duties) & to other family members. Not always directly, outwardly, but subtlely, and this is over many years now.
I fear you may be doing the same.
One difference I think caused the bad feeling is that I work between 3-5 days a week whereas DSis worked 1 day. I think that played a big part in her feeling weekends were for meeting up and socialising where ours are for recharging and relaxing at home. Do you have similar amounts of free time?
Sorry but do try to do as others suggest and be thankful for what you have and make the most of all the time you do spend together.

Thanks everyone, you have all been helpful if not a bit blunt. I am I suppose trying to hard to make up for the past and come to terms with grief. You've really given me some useful perspective, and I am not to bring this up with my sister. It's her choice and I respect that.

Misslurkalot you've described it really well, being the one who reminds everyone about birthdays etc. I will step back I think from being the one who arranges everything, invitiations will still be made but I won't be stressing out trying to find out who is free or not.

Whether or not I initiate a conversation about how much we want our children to spend together is something I will ponder, but that's probably going to have to wait until after DC's birthday.

YOu're lucky you have a friendly family in your life - DH's family, that is.

Not everyone wants this - I have a friend who married into a 'friendly family' and she can't stand it. We're all different.

My brother does precisely zero towards any sense of family. It hurts (I'm a friendly family sort).

You are being unreasonable re DC's 1st birthday party - but it looks like this is one of many slights that you find hurtful.

You're going to have to let go of the idea that your sister is going to be any different. it hurts, though.

If you wanted your sister and her family to be there you needed to discuss the dates with her at the planning stage, make it clear you wanted her to be there and work around her availability.

Your DP sounds a bit unhelpful as just because his family prioritise things like that, doesn't mean that is "normal".

Agree with Mumsy - Make the best of what you have.

And your father there to be photographed with 1 year old is good enough, with DH family thrown in it will be quite an event. Enjoy :)

It doesn't have to be black and white, either-or, we see each other all the time or we have nothing to do with each other. If you see it in such stark terms you probably will end up driving her away.

Dh has a very amicable relationship with his brother, dc are very fond of their uncle and there is no doubt that this adds pleasure to their lives. But we meet up every now and then when one of the families happens to be going in that direction. And because it's relaxed we are able to stay on very good terms because we are not disappointed in each other.