Can you come back from starting to really dislike Dh?

[RBD]

Have name changed for this.

But I am really starting to almost hate Dh.

We are very isolated where we live, all family is abroad and I am struggling to learn the language so am stuck at home all day with our 2 dd's who are 4 and 2.

Dh tbf, does all the shopping and the majority of the cooking. Mainly as I have no bank card or bank account and he enjoys cooking more then me, I see it as a chore.

But that is all he does. I do everything else. When he gets in from work, other than cooking the evening meal he sits on the computer playing on-line games, watching sport on-line or chatting on FB every night and pretty much ignoring everything else. The children will be playing up and climbing all over me and he barely notices half the time.

The other night we did not eat till midnight. He has decided we were having chicken fried rice, and after I had sorted the kids dinner out, he said he was waiting for me to do the rice, as I always cook the rice and he does the rest...so I did the rice, and then sat and waited hours for him to make the rest of it, he was too busy on his online game chatting and laughing. Tbf, I should have just gone and got something else myself, but I was curious and too annoyed waiting to see just how long he would leave it!

I am fed up of having to get up of a morning and pick up empty pop bottles and empty crisp bags from where he sits.

What has really annoyed me and quite frankly made him never want to touch me again is a few nights ago. I had fallen asleep reading, and woke up when my book dropped and hit me in the face! I turned the light off and started dozing off again. He decided he wanted sex, and started snuggling and kissing my back, I said I was too tired and already half asleep, but he just carried on bloody well practically humping my back, saying I could just lie there, I only needed to remove my underwear. He was only half joking, but he just went on and on, tugging away until I gave up and told him to just get on with it and lifted up to remove my underwear, at which point he gave this fucking childish little "he he he" and just got on with it! He then rolls over and falls asleep snoring away, and I am left lying there bloody furious and awake for ages. Quite frankly though I feel as if he used me to bloody well masturbate on, it was not sex was it!

Every time I look at him I just think he is a childish, selfish fucking twat. He had never done anything like the above before, sometimes I had started out not quite in the mood, and had either got into it, or stayed not in the mood and he was fine with that and we did not have sex, just cuddled or chatted for a bit.

I feel like if I had the courage or the means to even do it, i would be home with my parents like a shot. I gave up a career to move here with him, for a job he really wanted, and what has it got me, nothing! I am bloody stuck here with nowhere to go, no family, no friends and no way of getting home.

I would have pulled the plug out of the fucking wall on hi online game and told him to go and do the rest of dinner.

PS could your parents lend you the money to go home? Then pay back and get a.job?

Maybe, maybe not....they could probably lend me the money and they would put us up, as cramped as it would be, but there is no direct flight back to them. It would be at least 2 flights and trains and leaving everything behind bar what I can fit in a couple of suitcases. I do not want to think of it being that bad, like I have to leave all my stuff here...and all the kids stuff.

Good lord. Um, your husband is a twat and I'm not sure you should come back from disliking him. Seriously, he sounds completely appalling.

Does he know how unhappy you are?

If so, and he doesn't change, then I think you should get some legal advice and find out your options. Most likely, you cannot simply move home without his permission, because of the children. Do you think he would accept you splitting up and moving back home?

Have you told him how you are feeling?

He does sound a manchild... but you need to know what is going on in his head and maybe why he feels such behaviour is justified.
Maybe - giving him the BOD, he has never actually stopped to think about how he is behaving. You need to tell him that he is upsetting you. At that point you can then think about your next steps. But unless he is psychic, he's unlikely to be considering any of the things you have written as a problem, as he is clearly not changing his behaviour!
You need to talk to him. And don't let him gaslight you either....

I agree that you should talk to him but, if his behaviour doesn't change, are you planning a trip home this summer that could be a means of escape?

I think the problem is, I feel like I have grown up and he has not!

I used to play on-line games etc and yeah, that was fine, but I have stopped, and he has just started a new one and is very into it at the moment.

We never talk, we have never been a couple that "talked". It took me six months to talk to him and admit I had PND after dd2! Quite pathetic really.

I hate the idea of having to sit and talk....yes, he is not psychic and probably does not have a clue that I am to be honest a massive ball of seething resentment!

It is just we have no where to go, just us two, to have a talk, and the Dc's bedroom is off the living room, so I have oldest dd up and down most of the bloody night because apparently "sleep is boring". If nothing else I feel like we have to talk about the other night, he has never ever done anything like that before. Ever. But I just felt like i may as well have been a blow up doll! And that tbh is what has tipped me over the edge and start looking back at every other behaviour or slight annoyance.

The rest of it, I don't know, I do not think this stuff would have bothered me anyway near as much as this time last year when we were living back home in the Uk..and I felt like I had a purpose, and I worked.

Well I think it should bother you.

I don't really see the point of being with someone who you can't talk to, spend no quality time with, who uses you like a blowup doll.

You don't have to be psychic to know that sitting online all night, ignoring your family, is not appropriate.

I read the title and my answer was - I never managed to come back from it. Things had gone too far and I couldn't 'un-see' all the reasons I disliked him.

Read the actual post and, well, wtf. What a knob. He sounds knobby enough anyway but the sex thing was completely out of order and made my skin crawl.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'm in a foreign country too with problems with DH so am going to suggest practical measures.

Do you speak the language at all? Are DC in nursery, or can they go to nursery? Can you get a job or start studying? Are there any ex-pat groups kid-related or not that you join? Do you have a separate bank account?

Maybe once you can feel like a purpose where you live then you can see how much of this anger is directed at your DH. Maybe you are still suffering a bit from depression and that is making you much angrier at your DH. Or maybe you haven't got the energy to give him a proper kick up the backside. Once you start feeling strong inside yourself perhaps you will be able to see the situation more clearly and can tackle the problems in your relationship or give you the opportunities to leave.

I think when you live abroad and your normal support structure has gone, you need to dig that extra bit deeper to support yourself. It can be hard work. My friends here in this country have been having a great time on maternity leave as a long holiday, whereas I have been sorting out finiances, doing a part-time job on the internet, learning the language and finding out how things work in this place while dealing with a newborn. All the while me and DH bicker over horrible horrible and stupid things.

I hope that things work out for you.

OP. would you treat someone you loved like this?

• bully them into sex
• make them financially dependent
• ignore them while you play
• make them pick up your crap

I think you are rapidly falling into an abusive trap. Is there anyone you can speak to where you are? Are you posted by a company or a governmental organisation? Can you contact someone for help? Maybe call Women Aid back in the UK.

I think you are quite depressed (unsurprisingly) and this manifests as anger. The only person to be really angry at is your dh. Not that he isn't irritating, but he probably isn't really aware of it. If you talk, if you express things to him, and he makes NO attempts to change then that is unreasonable. I would suggest you say you are nearing the end of your tether and make some requests from him like him limiting his gaming to 1hr per night, reading the dd's bedtime stories, whatever would help but is reasonable.

You do need to talk a lot more. You must be very lonely. Talking also massively helps intimacy. You may actually want to have sex with him if some of your intimacy (ie. closeness) can be reignited.

I have been in your position and we have managed to come back from it, but only with help. I was really despairing at one point, it seemed he couldn't do anything without me feeling super irritated/ hurt/ furious by it. He felt it from me and was defensive back. It was not a good place to be in, but we wanted to fix things and to be happy again. We're still not where we want to be. Sex is sporadic, but better (we went a few years without) and we spend a lot more time together.

He's lazy, childish, a slob, has financial control over you and to top it all off coerced you into having sex with him when you had made it clear you did not want to. (Is he aware that this is rape?) Why would you want to come back from disliking him?

LTB. You deserve so much better OP.

OP. When you post here you will get LTB comments and others. When people post here they either want to hear LTB or they want genuine help and advice. Your choice. He has done nothing worthy of leaving in my opinion.

He raped her Merry

I have not an account of my own no. Children not in nursery yet as we cant afford for them to be without me working and I cannot work until I learn the language. Not sure about ex pat groups, will have a look.

Have been having a look at what language classes I can take, I can have an evening class, which seems to be free now we have residence here, although there seems to be a months long waiting list. My self bought cd and book have got me nowhere!

Dh sees nothing wrong with being on the computer, as in his eyes, he is always in the same room as me...and sees it no different than if we sat and watched tv together.

The money thing has not really been a massive issue, as until recently I could not open an account anyway, as I did not have a national ID number, and you can do literally nothing without it, not even register with a GP (Dh was over here for a few months first without us getting settled hence he had all this sorted for himself). We have now applied for the CB here, but again that is taking longer than we thought as we sent everything off, and they need yet another form apparently that we did not even know we needed to send off. So the plan is the CB will be going into an account in my name, now that I can open one.

The other night has really thrown me, he has literally never ever done anything like that before. As I have said, sometimes I have not been in the mood to start (or he has not) but we had cuddled and it led onto sex as whichever of us was not in the mood got in the mood. But this, no, I did not like it at all, and I am confused as to why/how it even happened, we have been together 12 years fgs. And it is now colouring every other little thing that has annoyed me in recent months.

We do need to sit and talk. If nothing else I need to know what the fuck was going through his mind the other night!

I am not a very confident person and even when at home did not have a huge group of friends. I had 2 close friends and that was all i needed. I much preferred to be on my own..and that is what I don't get here, any time on my own, just me. I need that.

My not being able to talk to dh, is actually nothing to do with dh and entirely me, I cannot talk meaningfully to anyone! The thought of it makes me get all nervous. I have never been one to talk abut how i feel or anything.

Also agree with changechangechange. I could never come back after a few events. I look at him now (amicable separation) and just think eugh.

[Let's not get into the definition of rape debate, riots]

You need to talk now, because it is becoming very destructive. I know you know this .

You do need some time alone. That could be part of your deal. Saturday mornings off on your own in a coffee shop with a book. Can dh take them swimming or something which he can 'do' rather have to come up with entertainment ideas?

Sounds like you have both gone off track (not excusing your dh's behaviour but we do all make mistakes, sometimes really bad ones) and you need to get back on track. It will take time, and preferably help, and lots of talking. You may need to come back to the UK if that would ease pressure and stress on your marriage. But yes, you need to try everything. I know some people chuck it all in at the drop of a hat and then encourage others to do so, but this doesn't have to be you.

There isn't a debate to be had. She didn't want sex he bullied her into it. That's rape.

Why on earth anyone would want to convince a woman to stay in a relationship with a rapist is beyond me.

I wouldn't equate his behaviour to the drop of a hat.

I could say that some people decide to stay in difficult and miserable relationships and then encourage others to do so, but that would obviously be a massive assumption and not fair to anyone.

OP, I also live abroad. I know it's difficult, even with a supportive partner. There are a lot of practical things you can do but none of them will change things fundamentally if your husband is being a selfish jerk.

See, the thing is, I would not call it rape, for me. I felt violated yes, but it was a "fgs get on with it" which I hate, and hate the whole situation yes. Still don't understand it at all though. He has never even remotely come close to anything like that.

In a way, I do want to get back what we had, as we were very happy. Even six months ago we were happier than we are now. But months of neither of us having a break from each other, or from the kids as a couple, even when they are meant to be in bed, as the living room is right next to their bedroom and as such their sleep patterns have gone all to whack, I think is starting to really tell on us.

I just don't know what to do to even start trying.

We have probably started taking each other for granted. We have roles we have never had before..ie him the main earner, and me at home...we both always worked full time, other than Mat leave. And when he was redundant after dd2 came alone, at which point he was doing the majority, at least 90% of the hands on care for both dc's and the majority of stuff around the house.

I just feel lost as to what has happened in the last year to 18 months that we are at this point.

Can you move from where you are living? That may make a whole lot of difference. Or talk in your bedroom, and have it as a computer-free zone.

My ex did something similar to me re the sex thing and at the time i felt violated but thought i was overreacting. it wasnt until a few years later reading mumsnet that i realised it was sexual assault. I already disliked him before that but after that i hated him and left him the week after. it had been a series of small incidents that made me realise he was a complete fuckwit and mn has helped me realise he was an emotional abuser.

seems like your dp has got you on your own now so he may try to escalate.

OP, I don't want to tell you what to think, but no means no. You made it very clear that you didn't want to have sex at which point any decent man would have left it. Instead your husband kept pestering you, pulling at your clothes, nagging you and stopping you from sleeping until you 'gave up'.
Consent when you have been coerced into giving is not true consent. You did not want to have sex with him, he bullied you into it and now you feel violated.

This is a huge red flag if ever I saw one.

You do not deserve this kind of treatment from a man who is supposed to love and care for you.