The slippery slope

[Rocklover]

Hi all, I have written previously about my marriage probs and I am beginning to wonder if all the crap I've been through is making me crazy. My DH is being ok since we moved into my parents house, but I still feel suffocated and trapped and I really feel that I don't love him, I don't really know the way forward as talking to him doesn't really achieve anything (I need to talk, he hates it, so we don't!). I posted a little while ago at being completely gobsmacked that I could still fancy someone again after having a daydreamy crush on my chiropractor. However this crush (not the man, just the feelings) has made me start thinking seriously about what I want from life. My DH is the one and only person I have ever been with (sex wise and serious relationship), although was flirty in my younger days. These facts, amongst many others are making me twitchy, I feel more and more suffocated every day. I know I need to get out and about and meet people etc, but my marriage seems to be this big, dull void in my life, yet I feel guilty for feeling that way. I want to be a better person in myself (health wise and job wise, possibly more education), but, I also feel that I need to be free! This is really starting to freak me out as I have a 17 month old DD and I don't want to upset her life. Please tell me i am not the only one to feel confused like this?

You are certainly not the only person to feel this way.
You are simply bored. It happens. If you still love your partner, there is plenty to fight for. We grow too used to one another, things become predictable - especially with a young baby, it's almost impossible to be spontanous. The fact you've not had any other relationships is also making you question whether there are other options; I can assure you all relationships lose their sparkle at some point. It can be brought back though.

I agree that trying to better yourself is a good idea. Ultimately we need to be able to cope as individuals - have you thought about an evening class? Take up a new skill? What about meeting some new people? Also, if you have a few couple friends - start a dinner party night. When the LO's are in bed, you invite people over - they each bring a course/dish. You then sit and eat. The idea is you go to their houses too, if cooking sounds like too much faff you can always get take out. Seeing other couples may help you remember what it is you LIKE about your partner.

How about writing down a list of 10 things you like about him, 10 reasons why you're happy to have one another, 10 things you want to do with him. It sounds silly but sometimes just seeing the things written down can help.

Don't let it worry you too much, as I said it's perfectly normal to have doubts etc.
xxx

Thanks LS1, I will try and be more positive. Much of the problem stems from the fact that DH didn't cope very well with the birth of DD, we had probs with money and he became very self centred. DH was very nasty to me at times, screaming and shouting at me and then turning it round to be all my fault. He has stopped that now, but part of the love and most of the respect I had for him was lost. I dread us going through a tough time again, and although I want another child I have ruled it out with him as I just couldn't cope with all that again. I guess the upshot is I got a big shock about my DH and it has made me think about what I really want in a relationship, but then I panick that all men are just the same and I will never get what I need. So, so

I can assure you, not all men are the same! The problem is, we (women) tend to go for a certain man. I was in a string of relationships with abusive partners, I worked out I was repeating the behaviour I'd witnessed as a child (where abuse meant love etc).

I am now with a loving caring partner who would never slap me about. It took me a while to accept that just because he didn't hurt me didn't mean he loved me less. We are all programmed a certain way, you may need help with stuff that you've been through, understanding why you are attracted to certain people - so on so forth...You just need to learn that you are worth more.

xxx

LS1 thanks so much, I am glad you are in a great relationship now. Luckily my DH has never been physically violent, but he was physically abused by his alcoholic father as a child (and recently they had a fist fight). I guess that is part of the reason he finds it difficult to talk to me, as his family just brush everything under the carpet. At the moment he is being nice and I just feel so guilty for not wanting to be near him as I guess he is trying. My Mum thinks I am too soft and thinks I should leave, but I feel that is because of the state I was in last year (parents got the brunt as we separated twice). How do I get my head round it?

I'm sure your mum is trying to be supportive, the thing with mums is they only ever have our best interests at heart, they often fail to take into consideration just how upsetting leaving would be.

Have you tried writing all your feelings in a letter? I mean EVERYTHING. It may take you a while to write, and you may not want to give it to your partner, however it will prove therapeutic. I wrote my dad a letter before he died, explaining my feelings. I never actually gave him it (he got ill and I thought it would be too hurtful), however it helped me work out all my feelings.

You may wish to consider talking to someone in RL. I'm not suggesting counselling, but someone who you don't have a particular relationship with (see how much easier it is to talk to strangers?).

Ultimately you mustn't feel guilty if you don't love him, it's not anyone's fault.. that happens in relationships, it's sad but it's a reality. What you mustn't do is settle or be in a relationship for the sake of it. Can you honestly imagine spending the rest of your life with this man? If not, question why you're sticking it out now. Are you scared of being alone? Hurting him? Letting people down? All of those are not good enough reasons to remain in a situation that makes you unhappy.

What might also help is to imagine as best you can that your DD has come to you in 20 years time in a similar situation - read your original post and imagine what you would tell her. Then think about that in relation to yourself.

You deserve to be loved and happy
xxx