Struggling, not too sure how to change things

[Pomegranatenoir]

Hi,

Been on here quite a bit in the past and had brilliant advice so thought I would come back for more...

I'm struggling at the mo. getting divorced from ex. He cheated when I was pregnant with dd, left for a bit, came back then went when she was 5 weeks old. He waited a few months then got back with ow. We were together for 16 years. Since then I have brought up 2 kids on my own, initiated the divorce, maintained the home, gone back to work, got a big promotion (love my new job), got a nanny for the kids (she is amazing), lost 3 stone, image overhaul, made friends with my mother after not talking for 5 years, signed up to online dating, been in few dates. So I've done quite a lot but I have been completely devestated by the breakup. I am so insure of myself and obsessed woth what people think of me and how they view me. He now lives quite a distance away with ow and sees the kids every other weekend for a few hours (his choice). He seems permanently angry with me. He is horrible to me a lot of the time and I am constantly questioning why he has left me and what I am doing to upset him. He wants to have the kids overnight where he lives but that means them travelling in a car for 6 hours+ and he only wants to collect them at 12 on a sat drop off at 3 on Sunday. Just doesn't seem fair on the children to me. He also refuses to have any involvement in school decisions, parents evening or anything that is slightly responsible - again I don't feel like he is serious about parenting. I have asked him repeatedly to call ds during the week for a chat but he refuses - only contact is on visits. He also refuses to tell ds anythkng about breakup - wont answer his questions, alay fears etc. just says daddy works away. He likes to play the role of fun uncle as opposed to dad.

Anyway, how do I move on. I am trying with dating but just don't seem to attract anyone. I'm not ugly, I look after myself but just don't seem to be able to get a man. I just want to be happy. My kids make me happy, of course they do, but I feel like something else is missing. I feel sad inside. Most days I am okay but today he was horrible again and when I shut the door I burst into tears and been in bed ever since.

Sweetheart, so sorry you're having a bad time at the moment. Like you say, you've done so much and done it brilliantly. Sometimes it's really hard to accept what a twat someone is, but you can't make him be a nice person, a good father etc. it's so sad for the children, but ultimately he's just showing what sort of a person he is.

I know it's easy to say don't let him get to you, but really that's the only way. Cut back on contact with him, maybe limit him to text or email only, then you can wait til you feel strong enough to look at his messages?

You come across as such a warm, caring person and you're worth a thousand of your ex. Someone who's right for you will come along sooner or later, but the online dating can be a bit dispiriting. I honestly believe it's just a numbers game. Someone will come along soon, online or in real life. But in the meantime, do whatever makes you happy and gets you through the bad days. (((Hugs)))

Hey oww

I'm struggling at the mo. went to a BBQ last night surrounded by my friends but I felt so lonely. I was shaking before I went in and felt really anxious. I just don't like doing things on my own. Ex dropped the kids off at the BBQ and was horrible to me. I just don't understand why he is angry with me. I would love to be living his life. He does what he wants, when he wants And always gets his own way. Feel like I have to pick up the pieces.

He is being an area about signing adultery confession but goes mad at me if I say I will divorce on unreasonable behaviours (what he has done is horrible). I won't feel any pleasure from the divorce but just want it done.

What I really want is a nice man but that makes me sound desperate so I suppose what I should say I want is to be happy in my own skin. Or just happy full stop instead of this roller coaster of happy then sad!!

I want a nice man too, don't care if I'm not supposed to say that. Friends and family are great but it's not the same as being in a relationship.

I think his behaviour is driven by guilt. He feels like a low-down dog for treating you how he has, so if he can convince himself that you're really awful then he was justified in doing what he did. Classic behaviour, but still hard to deal with.

If he won't sign, go ahead, don't listen to his tantrums and move him out of your life. If things are really bad, could someone do pickups and handovers for you, just so you don't have to see him?

Part of me thinks is it from guilt but then he just seems so cocky and void of emotion all of the time that I'm not convinced he does feel guilty. Hate it.

No one else can help with handovers. Tonight's was bad. Ds didn't want him to leave and started playing with a football with ex. He then wound him up, kicked ball against my new car loads of times, ds banged his head off my car and started crying and then ex left. Ds was in floods of tears - crying for daddy, then because he was hurt then just because he was sad. It breaks my heart!!

How will I ever toughen up to him and not feel sad by the whole situation??

Crikey, what a toad!

You are coping incredibly well. I would say, emotionally remove yourself from the situation. He has made his bed now he needs to lie in it. Handovers need to be short and on the doorstep with no opportunity to do anything like kick footballs against your new car.

If he can't assume responsibility then I would just get on with it myself and make decisions that suit me. He is the one who will lose out in the long run when your children learn who stepped up to the mark when it was really needed.

Honestly, please don't feel sad. He sounds like a jerk and you are better off without him.

He still manages to make me feel I am being awkward, unreasonable and horrible. I want to proceed worth eh divorce but I feel like he still has a hold
Over me because he pays the mortgage eye. He also refuses to communicate with me. We literally can't sort anything out about the kids because he refuses to talk then he moans when I do stuff through the solicitor! I can't win. But I still believe him because I think it's ingrained in me. When/ how can I stop believing what he says is right. I am constantly questioning my own behaviour because he seems so annoyed at me

Pomegranate, my ex is just the same with me; he is horrible to me, really vicious. He was an alcoholic and was both drunk and nasty to me all the time we were together. He's now given up drink, but continues to be horrible; also won't talk about stuff. It's difficult; but I am getting so much better at detaching, and reminding myself it is his problem not mine. Not easy, but it really is true. My advice to you would be to really analyse his behaviour - can you think if anyone else who would act like this. I bet you find the answer is no.
Good luck, please, if you can reinforce in yourself that true belief that it is him at fault; you will begin to feel better about everything. I promise! It really is true. If you believe his awful slights and unjustified nastiness, then you will find it hard to feel good about yourself. And that just isn't fair - or right!

Thank you. It's awful that so many of us are going through the same thing. I just feel like I will never actually get over this situation and his berayal. I don't want to be the girl whose husband did x, y, z. I just want to live my life and not live constantly in the shadow of what he did.

Do you ever actually get over something like this? I am trying my hardest to get over it but when he is horrible, refuses to sort divorce, has a financial hold over me, loved up living his new life and he has the support mentally and finacially of his family I just find it so bloody difficult. Even trying to find a man online to be a distraction is proving to be a nightmare.

Sorry for feeling sorry for myself

I am sure you will definitely get over it. I think that I am definitely getting over my ex, and realising that he was completely controlling and manipulative. I have read all sorts of stuff which has helped me enormously. It's taught me about myself and why I have been susceptible to this (all in childhood!!) - the most helpful website I have found is called Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue. It has opened my eyes a bit.
It wasn't just that he was a difficult person - it was why am I attracted to difficult people, and how can I change?
It has been a revelation to me - and while I am not cured, I definitely feel like I have begun the journey.

I have also been doing a bit of online dating; and have been finding it quite good fun. but in my experience, you have to be in a good place, otherwise you start feeling upset if people don't keep on talking etc! what site are you on?

By the way, when I mean you need to be in a good place, I mean mentally, not on a good website! (not very clear!)

Another by the way, my ex constantly makes me examine my own behaviour. I feel like I can never win. But anyone who behaves like this is just not reasonable. And no one else finds me so difficult. I have to conclude it is him not me. And I am sure it is the same for you.

Hi hun, first of all big hugs!

If my personal experience is to go by then your ex is pissed off that you have turned your life around. It sounds like you put loads of effort into aking your life a success after he left ( well done by the way, sounds like you did an amazing job!! ) and generally I think men don't like that, especially if they are alpha males.
I bet he is horrible because you are not an unemployed, sniveling mess on the floor since he left you!!
I'm not going into detail, but basically my ex was ok with me until it became totally obvious that I had sorted myself out and absolutely did not want him back -ever since then he has been a total asshole.
It made my life really difficult for ages and still does sometimes, and it used to make me really sad but as previous posters here said, you can't change him and you can't change the situation!
Just accept that he is a dickhead now, that's just the way he is. Minimise all contact with him. Text or email only, no messing around, I would also suggest picking DC up and dropping them off with someone else, or like me, telling the ex he can open the car door for them and watch them come in but that I will not speak to him and that he is never to set foot in my house again.
Cut him out of your life as much as possible. He is toxic and will only evrer drag you down now. You sound like an amazing fighter, I really hope you can manage to realize that you no longer need to care about what he thinks. Once you get there it's really very liberating!

Sorry you're going through this. You sound like a lovely, motivated person who's done incredibly well under the circumstances. You should feel proud and positive, not dragged down by a loser of a STBXH.

Emotions are complicated things. We often don't feel what we want or 'ought' to, even when we know what we do feel is counter-productive to ourselves. In your case, you have had a long marriage where you probably put your needs second to his most of the time, and probably without even being aware of it because he was undoubtedly lovely to you when things were going his way. You've been 'trained' by him to equate being valued and treated with love and (fake) respect as directly related to how 'nice' you are to him, so when he treats you badly, your subconscious is naturally blaming yourself for not being nicer/prettier/more interesting, etc. You know that's all bollocks and that a decent man wouldn't have behaved like he has, but your emotions are yet to catch up, that's all. It takes time.

You also probably know that many, many people deal with guilt over their bad behaviour by rewriting history to make themselves the injured party and responding to their victim with anger and a 'you made me do it' mentality. You can't reason with that sort of mindset, so the best thing to do is to decide how you want to proceed and stick with it regardless of the response.

If there's anyway you can get him off the mortgage and cope without his financial help, try to find it. No, you shouldn't have to, but it removes a large element of his control and if he continues to pay you can invest the money to cover hard times or treat your DC to trips, etc.

The advice I'd give you is to fake it til you make it. Picture yourself as a heroine in a story. Think about how she'd react to his behaviour and then do that even if it feels alien to you. Eventually, your head and heart will get in sync with each other and you'll find yourself feeling indifference to him. Then will come true freedom and a new lease of life.

Until then, I'd really advise you to stay away from internet dating. While it's tempting to flirt a little to build self-esteem, that comes from within not from others and in your current vulnerable state you are very much at risk from picking up sexual predators, abusers and game-players.

Hope you feel better soon. You've done really well already and I'm sure you'll come out the other side better, stronger and happier.