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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I had an epiphany - I lost "me" and became "us"

4 replies

BloodyHellMary · 02/06/2013 13:50

We've been together about a year and a half and are just about to move into our first house together. Last night he told me he may have to go abroad for a week with work in August. I panicked like hell and it really put me on a downer - why? because I hate the thought of being apart from him and found myself wondering what on earth I will do without him for a week. Why??? I was happily single for years yet now I'm part of a 'couple' I panic at the thought of being on my own for a few days?? I've thought about it and realised that ever since we got together I've smothered him, done all the chasing, pushed him and rushed him - nagged him and kicked off when he hasn't text me enough - christ what the hell has happened to me?? I never used to be this person!! As a result of my mad behaviour he has got used to me always being available. He knows I'll do anything he wants to if it means being with him. He knows he doesn't have to try. He knows the ball is always in his court. He knows I'm a 'safe bet'.

Well it changes now. I've contacted my old sports club and will be re-joining that, two nights a week. I'm going to stop chasing, stop reacting to lack of texts, get a life of my own going again so that when he's not around, I'm not lost. How do you reckon he'll react to the new me? I don't want it to cause arguments and I'm not into playing games but it would be nice to see him making an effort to please me for once.

Give me strength please :-) any words of wisdom/motivation appreciated.

OP posts:
RiotsNotDiets · 02/06/2013 14:13

That sounds exhausting and to be honest it does sound like one big game. Don't do this to change him, if he's not what you need now, then he probably never will be, people rarely change a great deal. Do it for you, because you want to live your own life, have fun and make new friends.

Good for you joining up with clubs etc. Hopefully you'll start to feel a bit less anxious as you branch out more.

EllaFitzgerald · 02/06/2013 21:36

What's making you feel like you have to chase him after 18 months together? What would worry me would be you feeling like you have to do everything he wants and him not trying.

I'm all for getting a life of your own, but Riots is right, it sounds like awfully hard work. Have you really thought through moving in together?

something2say · 02/06/2013 21:41

Do it, but for different reasons.

Do it because you and he have settled down now.
Do it because smart girls do.
Do it because you are too, as is he. You are a person.
Do it because you love your life and it is summer.
You need your friends and your life and your confidence and your own goals.

Every woman has her way. He will love you more xx and so will life.

Vivacia · 02/06/2013 21:41

What the others have said. I think this is a great idea, but I'd do it to change you, not to change him. This should be something you're doing to benefit the relationship and you as an individual, not to play (yet another) game with him.

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