is it love

[kittykat10]

i think I have fallen in love with this guy ive been seeing and it scares me to death.
he supportive, very kind to me we have a laugh , enjoy same stuff, met his mates and apperetly they like me . even last night when I was meant to be getting my few things bck from ex and he didn't show up the new bloke was so supportive.
he affectionate in public and not pervy at all and well after an intial false start the sex is good, getting better each time as we know each other but im finding it harder and harder o leve him in the mornings, I don't know if I should say anything to him .

we talk about a future together as well my only doubts is 1 he is still married but wil be divorcing next year and he smokes weed but he goes outside and was honest from outset.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that love.

You might be a bit more at risk of getting involved too quickly with someone when he's more or less your sole focus in life and when you don't have good friends who'll give you their honest opinions about his suitability. You might be lucky and he's a goodun', but take it slowly won't you?

I'd also try to bring other people into your life if you can. Make new friends, try to get to see old ones. That way, if this does go wrong, you won't be left feeling as though you've lost everything.

Badinage is right. Spend some time and effort getting to know people and making friends. Stable friendships that are not based on romance will enhance your life and self esteem immeasurably. Get some girlfriends. They come in really handy for keeping you grounded and looking out for your best interests each time you meet a new man.

Badinage.... How many months does an infatuation last before it can be classified as love?

I don't think it's a time-based thing necessarily, although you can't possibly know someone well enough after 2 months to know that you love him (IMO). To me, loving someone means knowing him very well; his strengths and his weaknesses and yet having a strong bond and deep affection for him despite his faults.

Being 'in love' with someone means that to an extent, you aren't objective about him. On the positive side, that means that I personally still see DH as the gorgeous physical specimen he was in his twenties - and he would still describe me as having long dark hair when in fact it is grey. On the negative side, at the start of a relationship it can lead to False Idealisation.

Infatuation is I think the phase before falling in love, or stops right at that point before going any further. It's the phase when it's all about the lovely feelings someone is giving you but it's not really about the truth or reality of the other person. Infatuation is I think quite a selfish phase, whereas being in love can be recklessly unselfish. So it's possible to be infatuated or obsessed with a stranger, or someone you've just met, but it requires more time spent together before falling in love - and a lot more time, experience and knowledge before love itself.

Whatever it is it sounds like you have far too much at stake for it to end.
That is not a good place to be however nice the person is.

What usually happens though is you get the shitty end of the stick because you put up with incrementally deteriorating behaviour for the sake of being a couple.
With all the best will in the world you don't sound like someone in their 30s (ofc I have no idea of your age or circumstance) and it sounds more like you need a social circle, some self esteem and reciprocal friendly relationship with someone who has nothing to gain from you.
I have some friends who are 'open & honest' about smoking a bit of weed - there are very good reasons they are not my significant other, or anyone's significant other for very long, even though they are nice.

But as long as you keep your head enjoy it for now, why not? but please don't be passive - there is more to life than being someone's girlfriend that the mates like. It seems a bit like you're missing out on that.

Myosotis, love, like trust is something that grows with time.

By contrast infatuation decreases in time. The chemical cocktail that scrambles your brain can last anything between a few of weeks to a couple of years. And again decreases with time.

When making life changing decisions, it is better to wait for love to grow than to rush in when the brain is in a state that drug manufactuers would kill to replicate.

If you are still together in a couple of years, it probably is love. At two months it's still pheremones.

As for the weed thing - having a couple of spliffs of an evening isn't sufficient to turn him into a self absorbed loser weed addict.

Thank you badinage, I have been thinking about your wise words today, and Dione, I think you are right about the life changing decisions.

So much stuff on this section, what with limerence and love addiction! I have done some serious reflection on my relationship history and am amazed I'm not more fucked up than I am!

Thanks to contributors on here for sharing their experience and information.

Coincidentally, this thread about a dysfunctional relationship with a weed user popped back up today

Have a read, Op. You may change your mind about what he represents after you do

Hi he far from self absorbed he spent last two days looking after me after lost my job and fell and hit head even took me to Ed as I vomited after th he fall x

I think 2 months is too soon to know if it's "love" - you're still on your best behaviour at that stage, but it's not too soon to have a gut feeling that this is someone special.

Still being married wouldn't worry me too much - you've got a reasonable explanation for that - assuming you've been to his house and you're confident that it's his home and he doesn't share it with a partner.

Weed could be something or nothing. For me, it would depend on level and frequency of use. I've been out with people who started the day with a spliff, and I wouldn't want that again, but DH has a couple with a drink on a night out, occasionally one in the garden at home - less often than he has a beer at home - and it doesn't worry me at all. He's not paranoid, it's not a problem if he hasn't got any, it's not every day, or even every week, and it's not costing us money that we need for something else, he probably spends less on it than I do on chocolate.

If your man is getting stoned because he wants to hide from life, that would strike me as a problem. If it's just that he likes the feeling from time to time, it wouldn't.

Does he have a job, OP?

You seem to be setting a lot of store by things he does that are just basic niceness. I'd take my neighbour to A&E (if that's what you meant) if they hit their head, it doesn't make me worthy of their adoration. If you have been with a lot of wankers before, then that might explain why you don't have very high standards.

He is still married and he smokes weed. Those are problems. You're right to worry about them. Don't disregard them just because he is sometimes capable of pretty basic human decency.

Yes he has a job he works full time. Yes it his house I've been there lots with him alone,on my own and when he has mates wife is long gone.
I've also been to where he works so he for real. I feel more relaxed with him than my ex