This friend is sooo full on...

[superstarheartbreaker]

I have a friend. She's fulll on. No let me rephrase this; very full on. We started going out together to get drunk etc ...fine. Good fun. If I have other plans she gets irate... I went out for another friend's birthday todayy...I said that I might be in town later. She texted all night to ask what time to which I answered I didn't know. She then texted me to ask if I was snubbing her bl;ah de blah.

Basically I am annoyed with her because last time I had a partner she got really irate that I wasn't going out with her so much and made a few misjudged comments about oure relationship... I just felt like she missed her clubbing partner. I can't put myfinger on why I'm so pissed off with her but basically it boils down to the fact that I think she's tooo full on,. dosn't like me to have any other friends or boyyfriends and gets really overly offended if I donb't go out with her. She has some qualities that I love but do I dump or just tell her I NEED SOME SPACE AND THAT ITS NOT A FUCKING CRIME TO GO OUT FOR ANOTHER FRIENDS BIRTHDAY (to which you are not invited as they don't know you not because you are being particularly snubbed etc.) AGGGGGGRRRR! I just get a bit freaked out with these intense girly friendships.

I don't think it's 'intense girly' necessarily, but she sounds rather immature, clingy and a bit of a bully. I expect she goes through friends like a dose of salts and currently you're 'it'. There's no good excuse for getting 'irate' and sending offensive texts... that's enough reason to drop someone. Let her go be someone else's limpet and either just stop responding or tell her, to her face, that she's suffocating you.

LTB...

seriously, ditch this woman. that's not a friend, that's a sociopathic, manipulative bully!

The problem is that my daughter has been invited to her daughter's birthday party this weekend. Do I go? I am rubbish at this kind of thing as I am too nice. The texts weren't offensive; but they were intrusive and designed to get guilt.

Last night we told her we might be going to town after the meal and then she started saying things like mabe she was being too sensitive because we couldn't give her a definate time etc.

Hmm difficult.....

I had a friend like that, always asking when I was coming and if I had other plans, would get all offended and say 'look am I seeing you this weekend or what????'

It didnt work out.

So I don't know what you should do.

Maybe, it would be a good idea to drop a comment. If it is fated to not work, and a comment might save it, why not give that a go? Like 'I was a bit surprised at your texts last night, I only said we may come into town, I felt quite harangued by you when I was out with my friends, I was really quite surprised!!??!!' Let her know the behaviour was odd, if she says about how she was expecting you, say you only said it was a maybe, not a definite.....

I d go to the children's party but beware and plan to be on guard.....

I'd cancel the party and do something fun with your DD. When it comes to bullies, they are rather banking on you being 'too nice' to stand up to them. They have no such qualms. 'Intrusive and designed to guilt' .... to me that's pretty offensive.

Not necessarily a bully at all imo.

She may be a 'more the merrier' type of person, doesn't get why she isn't invited to a do with 'the girls'. You also said you'd be in town later, which sounds like a tacit arrangement with her.

Is it possible she's lonely? Doesn't have many other friends?

She dosn't have many other friends and has fallen out with another mate of mine , for which I am now piggy in the middle but I don't want to be her only friend. I want us both to have a nice selection of friends; mutual and otherwise.

I just feel a bit uneasy about her but at the same time fond of her; a bit like one of those boyfriends you can't quite shake off.

Life is really too short for shite, guilt-tripping friends.

It doesn't have to be this hard!

I'd go to the party, cos NOT going'd be rude, and unfair on her DD.

But i'd say to her that I didn't appreciate crappy texts, and if there was a repeat of it, then for her not to bother contacting you again, cos there'd be no reply.

Hi there, we texted last night and have sort of made ammends but I have realised that I am still angry with her and want her to bugger off. My dd is going to the party and she wants me to go to town with her afterwards (she was always a clubbing buddy). I want to go to town....just not with her really. The thing is I am too 'nice' I always back down. TBH she did say some sweet things last night...I am so confused.

Can you tell her 'look, mate, this is too full on and puts me off. Back off a bit and I'd enjoy our friendship more. If you're right in my face it makes me want to run'

No? neither would I have the courage to say that

ah well, you get the gist. She doesn't own you - and, as you say, it looks like she'll 'use' anybody to make sure she goes out clubbing. Desperado. That's not very flattering, is it?

What is there to be confused about? You've just said you want her to bugger off. So either let the friendship fade away - take longer to reply to texts, don't invite her to things, decline if she invites you to things. Or, just simply say that the friendship has run it's course. Or, tell her that you are finding her too full on as springy said.

Oh, that is tough, unfortunately she will probably always be like that - demanding and needy. Hard as it may be could be best to step back and let the friendship cool off.

I am personally of the view that if a friendship is contributing nothing to your life then you should leave it behind. It's sad but people move on or change from the person that initially drew you into that friendship. A few years ago I started to live by a fairly simple rule that I should avoid people who make my life more difficult than it needs to be. When I made that decision I had a few old uni ?mates? in mind who seemed to be taking up more and more of my time. I would not have minded if it were not for the fact that they were draining, self serving and demanding people who only seemed to get in contact when they found themselves in another mess entirely of their own making. Or even worse, their plans had fallen through and you were the 'back up' option. It really has been a freeing experience. You need to feel up lifted by spending time with your friends not stressed, angry and resentful, or what's the point in being involved with them? Equally, if you're only there out of some misguided sense of duty, you aren't genuinely being their friend, more of an enabler giving them validation that it's ok to continue their negative shit behaviour.

Concentrate your efforts on those friends who are kind, considerate and funny. Your life will be so much more satisfying.

Thanks for all the advice...the trouble is I have said that dd will go to her party then I kind of promised to go out with her aftrewards. The thing is...I like to go out round the pubs in town and not many of my other friends can. We both have the same objective...to chat up men but I would rather find some other people to go out with who weren't also trying to sabotage my life.