advice re the kids and divorce please

[jenny99]

Looking for advice please. Am in the early stages of divorce, and we told the kids (14,11) 6 weeks ago. Still living in the same house but I am looking to move and we are planning to arrange shared care...another story...I am looking for help re how to handle the kids. This is all my decision - and we were advised by a specialist counsellor that a good way to put this to the children is that Mummy has been unhappy for some time, and that we have tried very hard, but WE have decided we are going to split up.

We did that, but since then, I have found out that stbxh has been telling DS1 that he doesn't want this at all, and I am ruining their lives and splitting up their family. He is aware of what he is saying, and knows that right now DS1 is very torn emotionally, between us.

I am trying to keep going as normal. I am not putting him down, or having 'chats' with DS1 (or 2) about this as he is. I understand that it IS my decision, but it does take 2, and if the marriage isn't working for one person, then it isn't working. I see the merits of the children knowing the truth, but I am concerned about the emotional turmoil my eldest is in. I don't want him to feel he has to choose. I assume he loves us both. To me, his continuing relationship with his dad is paramount, and I wouldn't want to affect their relationship but I feel very much like stbxh is affecting mine. DS1 is having a hard time, and at the moment is being very protective to his dad, who is taking every opportunity to put me down in front of them and make lots of little comments like that he isn't sleeping well, can't concentrate at work etc.

I don't want to be unfair to my stbxh, and I don't want to be untruthful to the children, but don't want to give them any more emotional stress than they already will have.

Any suggestions? Or do I just keep going...

I think you keep going: avoid giving them any responsibility for either the break up or for your feelings.

Stress to the point of insanity that they are right to love and like their father, that you will always love and like them no matter what. (they may identify with him and feel insecure about your relationship with them).

tell them that you are sad too even though you know this is the right decision.

Also ask how they see things and what they want for the future ( be prepared for the inevitable "us all to be together"...and answer that you wish that was possible but it is not for you), let them know that they won;t lose either of you, they don;t have to choose and let them know that they have a right to feel their feelings (sad, hurt, angry etc,) and if they want to they can talk about them to you or anyone else.

Even if they won;t talk say this stuff. they will need to hear it, and over and over again...

Thank you. Those are all things I have said....I don't want to drive them mad saying it again and again, but I want to make sure it is reinforced...it's a fine line I find?

I don't want to make any moments we have alone always about 'the situation'.

I will keep going....I just so want to make sure that I can do the best thing for them going forward.

Thank you

I think children that age would probably rather talk about anything but the split to parents, even if they think about it or discuss it in private. To that end I think your STBXH is digging himself into a very big hole by trying to get them to take sides. They'll be cringing every time he does it. IME DCs that age are mostly interested in the changes that will affect them e.g. where they're going to live, go to school, carry on with friends or interests.

The thing I'd stress therefore is that they are very important & should they have questions, you'll answer them as honestly as you can. And then get on with making life as normal as possible, allowing them to be as involved as possible with things like where you move house to.

Thank you fr your reply.

We have told them that they will stay at the same schools and we will have 2 homes close to each other and friends etc won't change.

But again this weekend he has told them more stories how I am the one doing this and he is the injured party.

That may well be the case but I do feel strongly that he shouldn't be trying to confuse the children or make them hate me too. He has been talking to my eldest about not having to live with me if he doesn't want to.

I don't want to jump into this and stoop to his level and use my kids as pawns in this or confuse them further but I feel as tho I am sitting watching him take them away from me and that I can't stop it happening.

I just don't know what to do or do I have to watch and hope that it is ok in the end???

You can explain to the children that sometimes people want things that other's don't.
For example, if a friend wants to play but they don't, or if they don't want to be friends anymore.

Acknowledge that your STBX is not very happy about it, but you cannot be his partner anymore.

And engage a discussion with them about how both love them very much and how it can still work for them, not as a family, but having two parents who love them always.

They will make their own minds.

Have you told their school? Is there any kind of counselling they can get through school?

It could help them a lot to have an "outside" adult to confide in, with no pressure.

I would try to "split" as quickly as possible, get into separate houses and make sure yours is a sanctuary, where you don't try to draw them into the details. I think what he is doing is very counter productive and may even drive his children away if they can get away from him.

Does your STBXH realise that he's actively damaging his DC by behaving like this?

He's doing this for one of three reasons:

1. He wants you to change you mind and is trying to coerce you into that using the DC as a weapon.
2. He fears the effect of divorce on the children and is trying to make them see that it's not his fault.
3. He wants to punish you for deciding you want a divorce.

Reason 2 is understandable though misguided. Reasons 1 and 3 are completely unacceptable and borne out of spite.

Regardless of his motivations though, his behaviour is incompatible with being a loving father who wants the best for his children.

Forcing you to stay would make him an emotional manipulator. How long before he uses the same tactics on his DC when they do something he disapproves of?

Not wanting to be thought of as the guilty party is immature and self-indulgent. A good parent would do his best to cope with the situation and ease his DC's transition into a new way of life because that matters more than the parent being 'right'.

Punishing you for disrupting family life makes him borderline abusive, and fully abusive if he doesn't buck it up once the initial torrent of emotions subside.

Have you told him that while he may get the DC's sympathy and get them to take 'his side', but the price he'll pay for his 'win' over you is scarred and insecure children. Great dad he is, eh?

How do you know your ex is doing this Jenny? Is he telling you that he is, do you overhear it or are your children coming to tell you about it?

Thanks for your replies.. Really appreciate them and the constructive advice.

We have spoken to both their schools - we did this within days of telling the children. There are counsellors available but they don't want to see them.

The older one has been speaking to somebody in a professional capacity he knew already, who is known to us, and has explained what has been happening to her (she has fed back to me, realising how damaging this could be to him), and in addition, a family member has been told what is happening which is also how I know.

I have tried speaking to my stbx and explaining that telling the children things like that he isn't sleeping (because of upset), and other such things, are unncessary things to tell them (I am also not sleeping). But telling them that is small fry compared to telling them 'mummy is ruining our lives' 'we will get through this together without her' 'she is having a midlife crisis'

Whilst this is my choice ultimately, of course it is also sad for me too and I am upset.

His response is that I have instigated the divorce and therefore that is causing the biggest harm. Any other harm is a by product. I am honestly not sure if he is behaving this way out of hurt and that he is just hitting out because he doesn't know what to do, or if it is intentional. I would think the former, but when I have spoken to him about this he completely denies any knowledge of trying to influence DS1. I have actually seen emails my son has written saying that Dad has said such and such. I know children misinterpret and perceive things sometimes incorrectly, but he is an incredibly intelligent and articulate boy, and although some words may be incorrect he is definitely correct in the overview.

I guess I just keep going, be sure to be 'Mum' not try to be a best friend, and focus on moving out asap.

Thank you x