Ex being petty... or am I being touchy?? (a long 'un, sorry)

[DanceInColour]

A lovely NC as this will out me to anyone who knows me in RL...

Me and Ex split up a few months ago now, I have posted under another name about how things were fine and we were perfectly amicable until I started going on dates with someone about 6 weeks ago.

Since then she's been completely off with me, which I was trying to rise above but now it's starting to affect DD (2). She won't respond if I text her asking how DD is (I do ring also, but it's still nice to be kept updated when I'm missing her), last week we both went to A&E when DD was hurt and she hardly said two words to me and was really awkward, seeming to purposely avoid playing with me and DD together to avoid me which DD was obviously going to pick up on.

I've been trying to be mature and rise above her attitudes, but this morning out of the blue she sprang a doorstep handover on me. We'd previously have a chat for 10 minutes inside whilst DD adjusted, and of course it is good for a child to see her two parents get along still. But this was out of the blue but what really got to me was poor DD hadn't even had her breakfast yet, but Ex couldn't see past her own stubborn mindset and just ushered her out to me and handed me a piece of toast to walk into town with (Neither of us drive, it is always me catching two buses to pick-up or drop off DD however) and shut the door.

I've no idea if I'm just being oversensitive however, but at the same time Ex has only started behaving like this since I met someone new (Ex ended it, btw), who has nothing to do with DD, I avoid mentioning at handovers and she has no idea who she is. I don't even have a FB so there's no way I could be showing off a new relationship to her or anything. It's just getting really frustrating and I just feel like telling to grow the heck up as it seems like she's on a mission to marginalise my role in DD's life for no other reason than I've dared to move on.

TIA for any advice....

It is early days. She isn't under any obligation to invite you in or have cosy chats. Give it time.

Thanks for being honest.

I think it's been a bit of a shock how she suddenly changed is all... especially as we had previously agreed to co-parent, but that seems to have all gone out of the window all of a sudden.

If you've moved on to another relationship then your Ex has to accept that but part of that is having her own space and boundaries. Maybe she doesn't want you in her house simply because she's decided that its her space and its private to her. The spur for her to make that decision might be your new partner but really its not unfair of her to want her space to herself.

I can't say I'm happy to have my ex in my house and one day I will tell him he can't come in any more, it will probably be out of the blue to him but really its just a step in separating lives out and you need to try to view it as positively as you can.

Even though your ex was the one to end things, she may still have some odd feelings about the fact that you've found someone else.

I don't want you but I don't want you to not want me/don't want someone else to have you. It's irrational, it's unreasonable, but it's human and any of us can be guilty of it. Male or female.

I don't think that it's yet time to confront her about it, not if there's a chance that she can work through her feelings and you can come out the other side still amicable. I suggest you carry on being calm, polite, non confrontational and accommodating and wait for her to work through whatever conflicting feelings she has right now. She probably knows she's being totally unreasonable, but feelings often are unreasonable and utterly confusing.

Thanks for the replies.

It does look like I'm being a bit unreasonable then expecting her to just take everything in her stride. I think it's not the not being able to go into her house that was the problem, I was more annoyed at DD having to eat her breakfast on the walk into town. It just seemed as though she'd had to rush her out to make her point IYSWIM?

I'll continue being fine with her, hopefully things will go back to being amicable between us as I thought we were handling the breakup really well for DD. Thanks for the honesty again though as it's allowed me to see a different perspective to the situation and I know how to act myself now a little better. Always great advice on here!!

SchmaltzingMatilda

I have wondered myself tbh if me being so affected by her sudden change of opinion towards me is a part of me still caring too much about how she feels about me. Like you say, it would be hard for those feelings to just suddenly stop. More than one RL friend has told me I need to stop caring what she thinks of me as a person as it doesn't really matter anymore...

Did you tell her about the relationship? My ex started seeing some before soon after leaving and didn't have the courage to actually tell me.

Just a thought

I did yeah. But that was all, as for obvious reasons I don't want to go on about it to her.

It is normal to feel awkward in this situation, and that can come across as rudeness. You're probably not her favourite person right now, and some people are better actors than others. It's all still very new. My ex is rude to me, and I to him sometimes. Not surprising and nothing to fume over. You are being a bit touchy.

I don't think it is very nice that exDP expected your DD to eat breakfast as she walked. Did she know exactly when you were arriving?

If you can't wait in the house then really exDP needs to have DD ready on time.

You are being sensitive and your ex sounds likes she is just trying to move on and change the boundaries of your 'relationship'. You are not a couple and not friends, why should she chit chat to you or invite you in. I think what she is doing is perfectly normal and ok.

I suppose I am being sensitive then. It's good to actually be aware of how to change my behaviour towards her at least

those of you saying we don't have to have cosy chats any more are right, I think I'm still dealing with the rejection from her perhaps, and hoped that we could remain friends. I think I do still miss her, so obviously finding it hard to deal with being completely shut out by her. Something to consider I think before I carry on dating.

thanks

You might end up as friends, but I think it is unlikely that you will segue seamlessly into being friends from having a relationship.