Hi I have posted before about my split 6 months ago from cheating STBXH after many years together. I was very down at the time but life is turning around now. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I needed to get this down in writing.
I don't know why (although apparently the same subconscious that made me check his phone for dodgy texts after 20+ years of never doing so did) but I bought and read a book on Narcissism today "Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On" by Cynthia Zane.
And there he was - the man I was with for all that time ticks all the boxes: the self-absorption, the lack of empathy, the inability to give emotional support and the using people like a drug to make himself feel good, including by criticising them. I always thought he was a bit aspie but this is a whole lot more. The book even says the phrase he used to me when justifying why he had to fall headlong in "love" with his latest woman and wants to marry her after a few weeks together "he cannot bear to be alone".
And there I was too, as the co-dependent, the fixer who is a strong person who holds things together because she needs to feel needed and wanted and has low expectations after a fairly emotionally barren childhood.
I always thought that the reason he finally "fell in love" with someone else (not the OW he is now with) and left me (versus cheating behind my back as had apparently been the norm up to that point) was because I had lost my job and no therefore longer measured up to his standards and it appears I was right.
Bloody hell and I thought I knew how to have a decent relationship! It just confirms my decision not to bother with men in the future. I'd probably choose someone worse next time!
I'm happy on my own with my children, am starting a new business and life is good. He actually did me a favour by letting me go after all these years. Just wish I had seen the light 20 years ago!