What do I want him to do?

[IUsedtobeMe]

DH is having an affair - it's probably emotional at the moment, but could easily be physical. Before I confront him I need to get more proof.

Also before I confront him I want to know what I want to say.

It is someone he works with, he stays away during the week, in a village close to hers, he travels on the same train morning and evening. He cannot change his job until the end of the year (contract).

So when I confront him, and assuming I want the marriage to continue (I haven't decided yet), what can I ask of him? I can demand he stops all non work contact but I will have no way of knowing he has. And I already know he lies ALL.THE.TIME.

My brain is too foggy to come up with a solution. Any ideas?

This is very difficult. My first thought is that it'd be down to him to decide how to convince you.

What proof do you have already?

Tbh I'd tell him you know what's going on with him and the other woman and ask him to leave.

Then let him do the running (if he's ever going to).

That'll give him a nice kick up the arse.

You can let him back when you're satisfied he's chosen you.

To be honest I don't want to share the proof I have in case he (or she) is checking posts - he knows I MN and I've had to change my name already. Forewarned is forearmed etc.

I need enough to convince his mum - I know that sounds weird, but I need her on side. She is my bargaining chip - he does as I say or I show her the proof.

It will be difficult to throw him out as Pils live with us! He is only home 2 days a week and sex is not on the agenda at the moment for health reasons, so I can afford to wait for a couple of weeks before confronting him. It's been going on for a year so another 2 weeks won't hurt.

Can you leave? Do you have DCs?

It's never a good idea to blackmail someone into staying with you. It is better that they "decide" to stay and end the affair than to threaten to tell his mum.

I'm not leaving, I have no where to go. He is already away for 5 days a week, another 2 would make no difference.

We have a son who has been ill for the last 3 years and will not cope with a break up.

I'm not sure I want to blackmail him into staying with us. My ideal would be for him to stay away, and we stay living as we are. But I can't see that happening. Mind you, I don't think he sees what he's doing as wrong, as there is no sex involved.

The house is laid out in such a way that we could change part of it into another self contained annexe, so we could, weirdly, all carry on living here which would be another option. Selling isn't an option, we tried a couple of years ago and couldn't sell, and now we're in negative equity.

I don't think you should try and get his mum 'on side'. Could you imagine turning against your son because he had an affair?

"Mind you, I don't think he sees what he's doing as wrong, as there is no sex involved."

Perhaps he hasn't done anything wrong?

He texts her several times a day including very early morning and very late night.

He spends a couple of evenings a week with her - AND LIES ABOUT IT

He lunches with her almost daily - AND LIES ABOUT IT

He has discussed our marriage with her and all its failings.

There's more but I think this is enough. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, why lie?

I found a recommendation on MN for a book called NOT Just Friends. I scored the quiz in it on his behalf - he would get at least 6 out of 8 - and the other 2 I can't answer.

He has done something wrong - HE HAS LIED TO ME ABOUT ANOTHER WOMAN.

Sorry but you say this has been going on for about a year and you just think it's an emotional affair and nothing physical

Think your just not brave enough to confront him as you fear a meltdown, be strong, and why still want to be with someone who has abused your love and trust. Doesn't need to be arguments or bitter, be the adult and just say it. You'll have more support than you think, good luck, keep strong

He made me think I was being unreasonable, that it was ok for him to have a female friend. He made me doubt myself, was I just being jealous? He lies all the time. Thanks to MN I now know what gaslighting means and I think he has been doing this, but I don't think he realises. It's difficut to explain but whilst he was growing up he never had to accept responsibility for doing something wrong, everything was just dismissed. And it has continued now he's an adult. He never does anything wrong, so he has never learnt to say sorry. I'm only just understanding this as the PilS now live with us and she is like this with everyone, not just her DC. Love her to bits but this one aspect of her drives me insane. I was brought up to be honest, and to apologise and make amends if I did something wrong.

I need proof, and I'm nearly there. When I said upthread that I needed her onside, I didn't mean that I wanted her to side with me over DH, but to just believe me. I know she can when faced with proof, but if not, she will dismiss it, and that will make our relationship go sour.

I only know now its been going on for a year, I found out about the texting a couple of weeks ago. I've then questioned loads of stuff that I had just accepted. I don't believe it was physical, but may have become so, but only recently. I now know what an Emotional Affair is.

As mentioned, I have ordered NOT Just Friends. I want to read it, and then work out, not just what I'm going to say to him, but also what I want the outcome to be. He manipulates conversation to deflect any criticism. I need to almost have a speech so he can't wriggle out of it. Only when I can convince him I know everything (I don't, just enough to bluff) he will have to be honest.

Sorry, very whiny self indugent post, but I've had him home for 2 days and it's difficult to act normal (ill child who will pick up on everything)

Could it be possible that it hasn't become a sexual affair? I accept that an emotional affair is an affair, but he might not realise that it's gone beyond friendship and horrified to realise that he might lose you and his family through this.

(And I don't think there's anything whiny or self-indulgent about your post).

VIVACIA: I think you may be right which is also why I haven't done anything yet.

I need to confront him and see what he says. But I started this post asking what I could ask him to do. He will still see her at work, but if he says that is all he is doing, how can I believe him, he could still lie and just get better at hiding it.

I don't know if I still want him, but I do know I still want the life I have and I still want my inlaws.

I've just read that back. It sounds like I live in the lap of luxury with everything I want.

I wish!

We nearly lost the house and have worked bloody hard to keep it. I like having my inlaws living next door. DS loves having them so close. We have 3 dogs, which I will fight hard to keep, but need a house big enough for them. Life would just be different and DS can't handle different at the moment.

If you decided to separate, wouldn't you keep the house, or is it tied to his job?

Biggish house, which I couldn't afford on my own.

I can't go out to work (DS's carer) but I currently run DHs business from home - he goes out to earns the money, I manage the employees, admin etc. I assume that this would stop. DS is 16 so any maintenance wouldn't last long.

So I assume that if we separate, we sell up - but the house is in negative equity, and is unique (not in a good way) so difficult to sell anyway. This is all part of why I'm dragging my feet over confronting him.

Ah, I see, it wouldn't be a family home for young children then? I can see why you'd be getting a smaller house.

I was going to try to make some helpful suggestions, but it all seems very premature when you haven't even spoken to your husband about the situation yet.

If PILs are like you describe, will it matter to him that they know about the affair?

And if it is "just" an emotional affair, are they likely to dismiss it as unimportant, anyway.

Sanity: I just don't know, I can only hope