How do you forgive yourself for things which you did which were wrong?

[currentlyconfuseddotcom]

I know life is short but I'm a bit haunted by this - I was in a DV relationship where I guess he might have theoretically have killed me. He hit me around the head enough times (in reaction to me taking family deaths badly, I did, he's not wrong there).

It's been a huge shock getting out. But I hate myself for how he changed me, I had the choice, but I became semi horrible (not really towards my friends, just a lot more shaky and distrustful). I feel immense guilt for how I behaved. I don't really know how to get over this. EMDR? I don't want to go over and over the past.

Did you attack him? Verbally? Physically?

Normally, I'd say you ask for the other person's forgiveness and never do it again. But then, if he hit you on the head I wouldn't be asking for his forgiveness.

I think you have to learn from previous mistakes and check yourself to ensure you don't become that person again.

Yes physically - there was one stage last year where I was on a police hotlist. When they finally arrested him I felt huge shock.

But I was horrible as well, he treated me really badly when I had family deaths but I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I need to leave it in the past. I AM moving on, just feel very guilty that I didn't leave earlier and for the way I became a more bitter person.

Everybody makes mistakes, some are bigger than others. It's whether you allow these to define the person you are that makes the difference.

Firstly in a dv situation you would have been in a heightened mode of protection and not able to think clearly. Your reactions whether they now appear right or wrong where lead by how you felt and your situation.

So your not perfect. Who is? It's what you do with these experiences that makes you the better person. Accept responsibility, which you have almost to the point that you can't move on. How can you change yourself to be a better person, learn from your mistakes and move on.

Your being very hard on yourself and blaming yourself entirely when I am in no doubt you were influenced by your impossible situation.

cupcake, thanks, I know, but it's very hard to try to consign it to the past.

I AM moving on, I've even been flirting with someone for a long time (this started last year whilst in the relationship but we've kept in contact and it has gradually become more pronounced) and I still have all my friends, who are wonderful.

I feel huge regret though that he used to shout and blame me for close family deaths, it's created a divide in my head, because I was told I was lazy for showing emotion I became horrible (my fault) and I can't get my head around losing people I loved. I can't think about it straight and I feel huge resentment towards him for telling me I was 'unnatural' for my grief.

I sense that you have not been out long.

It is a terrible shock to realise what the abuse made you.

But it was the abuse. The abuse has stopped, and you will heal, you will recover.

You will learn to live freely again. Your fist challenge is to be kind to yourself, not to carry on ridiculing every second of your life in crisis.

Well done for surviving! Now it's time to start LIVING!

Lweji sorry I misread your post, I meant that he attacked me physically and I became an awful screetchy person. I can't do anything about the way he acted and I was terrified and it's going to take a long time to consign it to the past, but I said some horrible things to him in return.

Thanks Hissy, that's a sweet message. I don't know how to leave everything in the past though and stop feeling guilty for becoming such a frazzled person. E.g. when my sister died I automatically went for a lie down because it was such a huge shock, but he stood over me and shouted that I was being lazy and selfish. I've had grief problems since because I wasn't allowed to express it, I thought I was abnormal for trying to express it.

E.g. when my sister died I automatically went for a lie down because it was such a huge shock, but he stood over me and shouted that I was being lazy and selfish

See, what HE did was wrong, what you did I expect, would be considered grief. We can't control who we are in grief to a certain extent, I believe. It is too consuming. What did he think you should have done?

I think you have to realise that there is nothing really to forgive of yourself. He was the one in the wrong. He should be asking/seeking forgiveness, not you!

I am pretty sure that what you did, you did to survive what must have been an horrendous time in your life.

Be kind to yourself.

oh God, what he did was unbelievably cruel. Evil, actually. So, you were poleaxed with grief and he didn't like you having your full attention on something else? So called you 'lazy'?? Unbelievable

It sounds like you are suffering a lot of shame. Shame is a distorted part of recovering from abuse - but the shame belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim. It is such a horrible twist that the victim ends up feeling the shame that is rightfully the property of the abuser.

You are also grappling with huge grief that was stopped up at a crucial time. I really think it would help to get some grief counselling to un-stop the grief so it has the chance to flow. It is so important to let grief flow - it is a very powerful emotion and needs to come out.

Go easy on yourself, you have had a very rough time. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself. this will pass, even if you can't imagine it now xxx

Even if you had got up from your bed, given that twat a wedgy, THEN kicked him in the bits, you would still been within your rights tbh.

He shouted at you when your sister died. That's unforgivable. You are well rid.

In time you will lose all the fear of him and his abysmal consequences, in time you won't feel so scared, alone, and bewildered.

Take the time you have to be kind to yourself. Please Read Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? It'll really explain to you what happened to you, and you will see that nothing of it, none of it was any of your doing.

I felt like you at first, but with agoraphobia caused by him. It passed. You'll be strong again, I promise!

I was also in an abusive relationship, and I said some awful things and don't recognise the person I was. It took me a couple of years to forgive myself, but I now recognise that my behaviour was no where near as bad as his, and that my beh was also totally out of character and just a retaliation to his abuse. I didn't know how to deal with it or stop it, so tried all sorts of things-none of which are me.

Complete cliche but time will help you, as someone else said you seem very newly out.

We are put under so much pressure from these horrible specimens, they fill our heads and our hearts with abject fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) Fog sums it up, it swirls around and engulfs everything.

Diminished responsibility has to have a place in all this.

The things my ex literally made me do will haunt me forever. I'll never be able to apologise to those affected.

Hissy what happened? I've found it quite comforting posting so thank you to you all.

I had a snap point last year with parental deaths, my immediate reaction was to be defensive and go straight back to work because I knew how he'd take it. Then I started unraveling and I really did become horrible, withdrawn and snappy. I think I will go back to Cruse, I've seen them before but at that time they were worried that he would harm me physically so I didn't really get the chance to go through grief properly.

Thank you all for being so nice :)

Reading your latest posts I can understand it better.
From the initial post it sounded like you had been horrible first.

No wonder you lashed out at him. You withdrew because of fear of how he'd react.

You understand now that you should have left earlier, but it's often very difficult to realise that in the middle of an abusive relationship.

Give yourself a break and keep your eyes open for any signs of twatishness. That's the best you can do for you.

Lweji to be fair I lost most of my family over a short period of time, it was difficult for him to understand the impact that had on me.

I ended up arguing with the police for a while last year, actually I'm surprised they didn't arrest me (I wasn't lippy though, just frazzled and hurt and they spoke to my friends and said my friends were wonderful - they were really kind considering I was an extremely angry grieving person). Aaargh have to move on. I'm going to go back to Cruse. My ex seems to be getting on ok which is nice.

You've recognised that, under extreme provocation, you weren't yourself for a while. That in itself is a big step towards acceptance, and that can lead over time to self forgiveness.

The best thing now is to learn from experience. It sounds as if you are doing this already. You then go forward, with greater insight, into a future where you can be both unafraid and true to yourself. And as you do that, the brief manifestation of the different you that existed for a while will become a closed chapter.

I don't know what to do anymore though Auntie - I think I really DO have mangled grief as I was told that I was unnatural for trying to express it.

I saw a doctor about a year ago and she tried to give me some tissue but I didn't know what to do with that, I ended up kneading it. She must have thought I was odd :) I wouldn't have been able to start crying though.