First ever MN post - be gentle with me!
Sorry this may be an essay, but I want to give enough context and not drip feed.
Been with DP for nearly 5 years. I would say we have a good, healthy relationship. I'm 26 weeks pg and he has been really lovely and supportive all the way through, practically and emotionally (tells me how gorgeous I am etc etc).
Yesterday, for reasons best known to my subconscious brain (the noisy part!), I snooped through DP's Facebook messages. He has given me NO cause to want to do this, I've never done it before and I genuinely don't know why I did - unless you count the horrible dream I had the other night where he dumped me?!
Anyway, I saw a message thread between him and one of his female friends and decided, stupidly, to read it. Most of the thread was exactly as I'd have expected. DP is naturally quite charming and flirty with women and it doesn't bother me at all eg. he calls my friends things like 'sweetie' or 'lovely girl' in front of me and hugs them, and always puts kisses and smileys on Facebook posts to them. The thing that started to grate with me on this particular thread with his friend, and I hope I can explain this clearly, was that each time a new chain of messages started it seemed to be HIM starting it off in a flirty tone, rather then say, them having general chitchat and a flirty comment cropping up along the way.
So, we come to the message that has lead me to join Mumsnet after months of lurking and ask for input from the wise ladies within. One day last March DP had started a conversation with this friend by telling her he'd had a dream about her the night before, which was nice (his words). She asked what it was about and he said something along the lines of 'Err, well let's just say you were great :-)'. To be fair to her, she just replied saying something about how he'd made her blush, but by now I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. The most recent messages between them were from a few months ago where she sent him her new mobile number (I'm assuming he'd asked for it) and him telling her about the baby. Basically back to the kind of tone of the earlier stuff.
DP happened to come back from the shops just as I'd finished reading, so of course knew something was wrong. I told him what I'd done. I apologised for snooping but said what I'd found had punished me big time and I wish I hadn't. He was visibly shaken and told me there is nothing to worry about wrt this friend, it was just their usual 'banter'. I said that surely he'd feel the same way about the 'dream' message if it was the other way around. He agreed he would and was doing his best to reassure me there's nothing going on. As it happens I believe him, in that I don't think he's actually up to anything with her, but his idea of what constitutes acceptable 'banter' with a friend clearly differs from mine quite drastically!!
What bothers me is 1) the content of the message and 2) the fact that HE instigated the conversation about it. I don't care if he has a dirty dream about someone else, it happens to us all, but to private message them specifically to tell them about it AND add the little detail about how great it was? That's crossing a line IMO, regardless of whether or not I should have been in blissful ignorance of it. If SHE had started the subject I don't think I'd have been half as bothered (subject to his response).
DP knows my XH cheated on me, that's basically why we divorced. Much of my ex's affair was conducted via text and DP and I have had MANY conversations about my issues with trusting people, especially wrt to being hyper-sensitive over things like text and private messages. Ffs, he went through it with his ex too. I feel so hurt and I've been tearful on and off since last night, though trying to hide it. I think as far as DP is concerned we've discussed it now and he's trying to act as normal, being all lovely. But I can't act normal. Noisy brain is now wondering if he's been texting her this kind of flirty shit as well...
So, am I over-reacting? I'm 39, I'm too old for this kind of crap and I hate drama, but my hormones are making me feel like a deranged teenager :-( Please feel free to pass me a grip if needed. Help.