Suspicious 'friendship'

[faulkernegger]

I'll try to be concise - my DP is a music teacher and has developed a friendship with the mother of one of his pupils. He visits the house to teach, and often doesn't come home for ages. They live 5 mins away and the lesson is 30 mins, but it's been 2 hours later on occasions. There's always a reason, usually he was helping her with something, but she has a husband. I have met her and we've been to the house and they to ours, and it's all very friendly, BUT I have this niggling feeling. Even my DD (12) says her dad is obsessed with this woman ( completely unprompted by me - I've not voiced my thoughts). AIBU?

Have already posted this in AIBU, and they suggested I try here.

the only thing I can advise is gather any evidence you can. Otherwise he may just deny. It's unsettling. I hope it's nothing sinister.

I've read your other thread and think you are right to be suspicious- it clearly sounds like an emotional affair if nothing else has happened yet. Especially after you spoke to him and he contacted her just afterwards. I'm sure some of the other lovely ladies will be along to offer more useful advice, but for what it's worth, I would trust my instincts.

If you are not normally overly jealous and he's hiding things, then you are right to be suspicious. If I remember rightly from your other thread, you have talked to him about your suspicions- I would have thought he would have had a lot more to say on the matter than he has- 'sorry' isn't really what you would expect if unjustly accused. I think the most suspicious thing of all, if I'm honest, is the sudden hiding/secretiveness with the phone, I know at least one person having an affair and having two phones/hiding one/keeping phone on person at all times is just the biggest give-away that someone has something to hide.

Where does this take you- I'm not sure. Your husband doesn't seem that fussed about your allegations and is still contacting his new friend.

I do know though, again through knowing cheaters, that doing things in plain sight is a well-known tactic- the 'we were with the kids the whole time' thing. The person I am thinking of does this all the time, plus mentionitis (talking about them all the time) plus goes on lovely walks with the whole family including the person he's having an affair with, I have never worked out if it is a deliberate double-bluff or they actually think it's nice everyone gets along!

I think I would be very frank with your partner- tell them you are very worried and hurt by this and it will affect how you feel towards them. People do recommend the Shirley Glass book. I hope it is just an infatuation that is going nowhere, but my fear is that you don't want to push it as you are actually worried it may collapse your relationship.

There's been a lot of good advice on your other thread.

You need to make your own boundaries very clear and to be prepared to follow through.

Fear of rocking the boat and finding out that your worst fears are true are paralysing you right now, while your partner is taking the piss.

You told him how you felt. Moments later he was on the phone arranging yet another meet-up with this woman.

He's not taking this seriously and one of the reasons for that is that you don't appear to be taking it seriously either. That and the fact that his head's up his arse with his infatuation for this woman.

Get tough. It really is the only way.

I'd agree with a lot of what's been said on your other thread. This friendship is different as he is there longer than needs be, is socialising with her outside of the lessons, and has become very cagey with his phone, which is now locked to you. They are also trading emails that are not related to the lessons. He is arranging social events with her that don't include you.
Ime these are not the actions of a man with nothing to hide. If DH was doing this I would worry. Don't get me wrong, he has female friends, but I am always welcome, and they have become MY friends too. I am the same with my male friends. I did have one friend who insisted I only saw him without DH. We no longer see one another, my choosing, he admitted to having feelings for me and that was why he didn't want DH around.
your instincts are telling you there is something wrong for a reason. If this friendship makes you uneasy you need to ask DH to step down from it. Even if that is unreasonable, if he cares enough about your relationship his response will be understanding and reassuring.
But I think you already know all this...

I agree with those who say get tough if you really want to save your marriage.

Loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters - tell him he has to leave while you consider your options. Then cold hard reality will hit him and he will realise that he really stands to lose everything he has worked for - marriage, home, family, respect etc.

here is a good link