Will he ever go back to how he was??

[lovemybabiesx]

I'm really confused about my life at the moment, I've been with my p for 5 years on and off we have an 8 month old and I'm 4 months pregnant. We have spilt up a few times before (there were no babies involved) and all I have wanted was to get back with him. he'd and get with someone else and I never really moved on apart from once I ended up seeing someone I was friends with for over 10 years and things were great I could so what I wanted when I wanted, we laughed all the time got on really well ended up moving in together and soon as things got serious my now partner came back in to my life wanting to know again things ended with y long term friend and I ended up pregnant pretty quick with my now partner. I feel so trapped he is always horrible i can mever do anything i havent had a might out in nearly 2 years im only 24 he dosnt trust me for some reason, never treats me with any respect dosent care about how I'm feeling and has no consideration for me at all since I gave birth to our dd 8 months ago, I have ended up pregnant again but now things are bad we're living together in my flat which he decorated and furnished. I'm am sick to death of the way he speaks to me.. Tonight for example I asked him to wash up while I bathed the baby and got her ready for bed got told to go fuck myself that's my job!! I said you never do anything to help at home and he said how about I punch u in the face you fucking prick... I work my arse off all day and all you do is sit on your arse! Well no actually I look after our daughter do the cleaning cooking shopping take the baby out and oh yeah I'm pregnant a bit of help wouldn't be a miss! He goes on like I'm taking the complete Piss even asking him for. Bit of help! This is the reactions and same kind of shit I get most nights from him and now I can't leave it's my home he wouldn't leave and tbh I know this sounds silly but I don't know if I'd even want him too? After all this the next day it will be like nothing happened, until the next tho g he feels like throwing a strop about. Okay I'm not perfect far from it but I try my best to keep him happy and I don't know what else I can do. This relationship is fucked and I wish things could go back to how they used to be, he would of done anything for me. Was always being romantic would get me little treats, act loving just generally how a relationship should be. I keep thinking will he go back to how he was or am I living in a dream world pretending things will be okay? I lay here thinking about how my life could be I'd I was in a happy relationship (like the one with long term friend) or am I just thinking the grass is greener? Not that anyone else would want me now 24 with one baby and one on the way.... In love my dd more than anything and I'm not for one minute regretting having her she's my world

You need to leave this man. He has threatened you with physical violence, and is emotionally abusive towards you. Take your baby and go somewhere safe.

I agree, get rid of him he's an abusive fuckwit who will never change.

There is NO WAY he will ever go back to the 'romantic, loving etc' guy you THOUGHT he was because that image was just an illusion. Abusers act wonderfully towards their victims at first because they need to get them hooked and dependant on them, after a while (as in your case aswell) when the abuser knows you have fallen for him thats when he will show who he really is and treat you worse than shit on his shoe.

Read Lundy Bancrofts book 'why does he do that' as this will give you lots of insight into the kind of man your'e dealing with.

No, he wont.
He is now showing you who he is. Now that you are trapped with a baby and another on the way, he can be the "real him".

You need to leave him. It wont get any better.

He has threatened violence.

I am not sure what you can do, when it is your home and he refuses to leave.

if he threatens you again call the police and ask them to remove him and never let him back in again, EVER

It's very telling that, after he left, he came sniffing around as soon as it looked like you might be moving on - power and control. In answer to your thread title question, the answer is no - he won't go back to how he was, because that wasn't the real him. This is the real him, and the way things are suits him just fine, so it's down to you to decide you don't want a life like this and make an exit strategy. I presume he currently pays the rent/bills etc even though its your flat/house? You are so young, do you have wise older friends/family you can get advice from? Or women's Aid, as his behaviour shows abusive tendencies and you need to be careful for your and your DCs safety. Lots of advice on these boards too, once you've decided that enough is enough.

Nasty man. How DARE he talk to you like that? Dump him.

The grass can only be greener in a life where you are not threatened with a punch in the face.

Don't worry about being with anyone else.
First, it can happen.
Secondly, I think you need to be alone for a while and find your self respect.

A very common pattern of behaviour for abusive bullies is to attract a victim by being nice to them and then, once they are hooked in, often with a baby, gradually ramp up the nasty behaviour. They gamble that you'll stick around thinking 'if I do X or Y, if I can keep him happy, if I was a better person... maybe he'll stop being abusive and go back to being nice'. It's deliberate, it's nasty and it's a pile of crap. So don't fall for that and get yourself and your baby out of there. You are not trapped, you have options

Womens Aid would be a good organisation to call. Link

He will not go back to how he was. How he was was fake. This is the real him.

You need to be rid of this abusive man.

If the flat is in your sole name it should be easy to get a court order called an ''occupation order" which would force him to leave. Even if the property is not in your sole name you can still get those orders in the appropriate circumstances, although the Courts have to scrutinise the application more then.

You do not need to have suffered actual violence to get this sort of order - though most people who apply for them will have. He is a nasty, immature bully. And is getting worse.

Please go to see a solicitor (many will do a free first appointment). Or the Citizens Advice Bureau. Or you can even go to the counter of your local County Court (phone first as at some court centres now you need an appointment) and get the application forms and fill them in yourself. You need to give quite a bit of detail, but they are not complicated.

If your tenancy is a council one or housing association then some councils have an officer allocated to helping people in your situation and will assist you with court paperwork/representation.

Please act now and don't hang on in the hope that things will improve. They won't. Be strong.

This awful dysfunctional relationship has been unhappy and full of drama throughout. You are now seeing the real him. I wonder what if anything you know about this man's background.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. That also needs consideration.

You are 24, where do you see yourself at 25?.

If the property is yours solely, you can throw him out using legal means of a solicitor. You need help and Womens Aid can and will help you here. You need to take that first and often the most hardest of steps though to seek such help. You can and should break free of this man and give your children a nice life without this awful man in it. If you stayed with him, you would simply teach your children that such abusive behaviour shown to you by him is acceptable to you and they could go onto repeat the same pattern.

The "nice" man who appeared originally to you was a mirage; he played at being nice just long enough to sucker you in properly - and it worked.
He targeted you.

I would also look into enrolling on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as such men can and do take time, infact years, to recover from.

You should not be together at all.

You are in a better position than a lot of women. You have your own house. He is in the weaker position. Maybe you should start making plans slowly and realise what your options are. Have you any family or friends that can help?

And you are so young. You have years ahead of you. Some people come to this stage much older and have less options than you. .do you want to waste your life on him? How will you feel when he is treating you like this in front of your children?

Yeah I have family and friends that could help but they all think he great! Of corse when ever anyone else is around he's the best person does everything it's a big front! It's weird now it's the next days he was all nice before when went to work, he does basically work 7 days a week and yeah work can be stressful but so is being a mum and being pregnant it's like he thinks we're in the 50s still where women stay at home so all the house work child care etc and he just works, it's not often I ask for help but when I do I think he should help me... He only kicks off if I ask something from him or he don't get his own way... Like a child. Suppose it's where here's mum and sisters brought him up they have always done everything for him. Just wish he would realise its not a bad thing to help me out and not talk to me like shit. I don't feel angry today now I've slept and this is my problem I can't keep angry and just kinda forget about how upset I was last night why am I like this??

I know I'm in a better position but everything in this flat he has paid for it is only my name on the tenancy bit is his home to if you know what I mean, in just a weak person I think how he would feel without he children and home and I start feeling guilty. He has never hit me only says that he will I know he wouldn't just likes to be the big man. And it's not been in front of our daughter that he's like that to me he has shouted in front of her but not aimed at me like stupid things if he spilt a drink or something shouts about those things infront of her

Love: You need him out of your life.
Please do not put up with him treating you badly.
He is a controlling bully.
He won't get better.
When the new baby arrives he will be worse as you will have more to do and less time to give him attention.

Tell a friend or your Mum what he is really like.

Best wishes to you

Maybe it's time you told everyone what he is really like and see what they say. If they all think he's great it sounds like he is very good at putting on a front. He managed to get you by doing that.

"this is my problem I can't keep angry and just kinda forget about how upset I was last night why am I like this??"

Because you're used to the behaviour. He's 'trained' you ('groomed' if you'd like a more sinister word) to believe that his terrible behaviour is normal & acceptable. Emotional abuse is a very stealthy process. Plays on your insecurities (guilt, self-esteem problems, family pressures) and warps your perceptions. Read up on 'Stockholm Syndrome' to see how quickly people under threat of abuse start to identify with their abuser.

Look at that last sentence about him 'never hitting you, only says that he will'. What should shock you is that you think that threats are OK, that shouting is OK or that you think the reason he treats you like a maid is due to a lack of realising on his part, or because he was indulged by his mother. He's an adult, he knows precisely what he's doing and he's a controlling bully. If he'd behaved this way on your first few dates would you have carried on seeing him?

A temporary pause in the abuse is not the same thing as kindness. You don't have to stay angry and upset, just start taking deliberate steps to get him out and stand up to him in the meantime.

I just need to get a back bone and learn to stand up for myself again a few years ago I never took his shit and he was the one grovelling I don't know what happen to me? Obviously he's worn me down where I can't even be bothered to argue back, I'm the only one who ends up upset.

Being very blunt, you can't grow a backbone with a person who puts you in "your place" with the threat of a punch.

You need to get out now before it gets worse.

And before your position weakens.

No, he won't go back to how he was. Why would he? I don't mean he shouldn't but from the perspective of an abuser, he's got you where he wants you - pregnant and vulnerable with a young child. Picking up after him and afraid to ask for any help for fear of a threat of violence.

Your other relationship sounded much more nurturing but it's sad that you should compare them as one where you could do what you wanted (as you should be able to do in any relationship) and therefore in this one you can't.

Don't blame his mother for spoiling him - this is his fault and his choice of behaviour. He will never be any good for you.

Your flat, his stuff? He can take his stuff out of your flat. You need a home for you and your children without him in it.

I agree with the posters above: call Women's Aid and tell your family and friends how things really are.

" I don't know what happen to me?"

He's steadily crushed your spirit, that's what's happened. Also you're now a mother... that's significant because a lot of abuse starts with the arrival of the first child. It's not a question of 'back-bone' therefore... sure you need to stand up to him in the short-term for the sake of your own self-respect but, in a loving relationship, no-one should be thinking in those terms. It should be easy, relaxing and life-affirming..., not threats of punching, insults and other lazy, selfish, entitled, spirit-crushing behaviour

How he behaves is neither your fault or your responsibility. You cannot change either the past and you cannot change him. The only thing you can change is your future.

Your daughter might not have seen him behave like this, but as she grows up she will be aware.

He is horrible to you, and this won't change. He thinks he can get away with it.