Difficult situation with close family member - wwyd?

[Guitargirl]

A member of my family who I am close to has been having problems with his marriage. He has spoken to me about it from his side of the story at length but I have spoken this week with his wife also who has wanted to open up more to me about the problems from her perspective. It is unpleasant. He has been depressed, drinking heavily, been verbally abusive. Not physically abusive but to be honest with the alcohol it doesn't sound as though that would be a million miles away. I am shocked as her portrayal of him is far from the man I know but I have no reason not to believe her. She is not prone to exaggeration in other areas of her life.

She has been texting me this evening about a row they are having tonight and she sounds absolutely at the end of her rope. If it was a friend and her husband then I would absolutely be advising her to leave. I have replied suggesting that, as he apparently refuses to leave the house, she might think about going to stay at her parents' and take the DCs with her.

I feel horribly disloyal to him as he is my family but I hate the thought of her being there and having to live like this.

Really don't know what else to do . They have 2 children.

The advice you gave her was sound as a pound.

Safety first.

I think that to say "You sound as though you could both do with some time apart - why don't you go to your mum's?" isn't siding with either of them - it's a sensible solution to a situation which isn't working at the moment. It's not telling her to leave him, just to spend a few days apart.

What's his side of the story? Does he admit there are problems?

Thanks both. She has apparently suggested that they have a break for a few weeks but he gets very upset and says he doesn't want that.

When I have spoken with him he says she is very controlling and doesn't give him an equal say in family decisions or any control over his own life.

She says he is depressed and negative and like a dark cloud over the house which is not good for their DCs.

He says she is not willing to work more hours than she does currently (8 hours a week) so he feels pressure as the main breadwinner and is working overtime to provide for the family.

She says that when she was offered to double her hours he didn't want her to as he says he likes the family dynamic as it is and the fact that she takes care of everything related to the home and school stuff means he doesn't have to worry about that on top of work.

I think they could benefit from couples counselling but he is apparently refusing that.

I realise you're very close to everyone in this but please try to take a step back now that you've offered your advice. If you get too involved in all the ins and outs (and being sent texts about an ongoing row is IMHO too involved) you risk becoming the referee rather than a supporter. It can be extremely draining and emotionally damaging to you if you start to see yourself responsible for these people. Just be careful. Road to hell, good intentions, etc...