Does 'nipping it in the bud' really work?

[sweetmollymalone]

Hi - I wonder if anyone would be able to help me. We hear a lot in Relationships about 'nipping it in the bud' when a partner is developing an inappropriate attachment to somebody else. There are also sadly quite a lot of cases where people have attemped to do this, but it has not changed their OH's behaviour - or just ended up driving it underground.

I was wondering if there were any success stories out there about relationships which have moved forward after such discussions? - I have recently had to talk with my DP about a friendship which I felt was becoming too close, and he appeared to take it on board. However alarm bells are still ringing but I'm not sure if that is me being hypervigilant (was previously with a cheater). I guess I just need reassurance that it works sometimes - I can then decide whether I'm being oversensitive!

I don't think you do need reassurance that it works sometimes.

I think you need reassurance that your partner has put appropriate boundaries in place.

Can you work out what is making you feel like this? Have you seen any change in behaviour? Did your partner react appropriately, agree that it was going too far, and reassure you?

I'm a success story. I kept putting myself out there in inappropriate situations, letting men flirt with me and letting them think they might have a chance etc. DP got to his breaking point and told me if I do one more thing he'll be gone and won't come back. He was really quite harsh and firm with me, and it worked. It didn't happen over night obviously but there was something in his voice that I knew meant he wasn't messing around.

Why are your alarm bells still ringing? What's he been doing since you spoke with him about getting too close? He really should be the one giving you reassurance. Has he cut himself off from the friend?

For us, any confronting was denied, and it just pushed it underground.

It may or may not work. I think the key factor is whether the spouse remains fundamentally committed to the marriage but has got onto dangerous ground (by babysteps which were unrecognised until pointed out).

But the prospects are less good if commitment has wavered - something that becomes more likely if the inappropriate attachment becomes long lasting.