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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

bf never ever makes a move. i feel very undesirable and rejected

27 replies

boomoohoo · 30/05/2013 23:14

the title says it all really. my bf of 15 months never makes the first move when it comes to sex. i always initiate. he is usually responsive, but sometimes i can tell when he is just doing it to please me, and not because he wants me Sad

it wasnt always like this. at the beginning it felt a bit more equal. although i would still usually initiate, he seemed more up for it..

i have a bad feeling that im 'too keen', and it turns him off.. or makes him not bother. but if i hold back and wait for him to come to me im worried about it never happening! or atleast, being sexually frustrated.

we have discussed it before and it seems my sex drive is higher than his. we are both busy people, so no difference in work load really (if anything i do more, with a child and am full time student)

im losing my confidence in bed and feeling down about it. just wanted to get others experience / opinions?

thank you

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2013 23:19

In my experience, men with lower sex drives do not change, in fact, the early part of the relationship is basically as good as it gets. You can't make him different, that's just the way he is. It's a myth that all men are gagging for it, there are plenty of men who prefer to play computer games/watch TV than have an active sex life, the only thing you can do is decide if you can live with this long-term.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 30/05/2013 23:23

thanks mumsyblouse. its so hard to separate him having a low sex drive and not equating it with undesirability on my part.

ive considered backing off completely in terms of showing any affection, im usually very touchy feely, much more than him, and i know its because i crave it myself. but if i stop doing it maybe he'll show more..? worth a try?

OP posts:
Original poster
boomoohoo · 30/05/2013 23:26

btw he is (of course, as is always the case) a lovely, lovely man.

i know i have a big fear of him leaving me, (past shit relationships plus childhood stuff, am dealing with in therapy) and i use sex partly as validation that he loves me and wants to be with me. In any relationship you feel closer after you have sex hey.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2013 23:29

boomoo I just don't think that will work at all, you will just have less sex. I would be very surprised if it was about you, I expect he's always had a reasonably low drive, some men and women just do. Have a look at the love languages online or in the book- some people just don't show their love through sex but may have other ways. If overall you don't feel loved and you do feel frustrated, then this is not a good way to live really, I would also find it quite hurtful even though it's not 'against' you.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 30/05/2013 23:36

thank you i will look up love languages.

OP posts:
CrispyHedgeHog · 30/05/2013 23:39

I had an ex partner like this. It's absolutely soul destroying and very unlikely to get any better unfortunately.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 31/05/2013 07:20

Crispy was it the reason you split up?

It's v hard to think it's not about you. My ex was the same. It got to the point where he always refused sex Sad I am doing something wrong but not sure how to change it.. It foes make you feel like a freak, I jokingly call myself a sex pest, but really it's hurtful

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2013 08:28

Tip for life.... however 'lovely' the person, if they are only a 90% fit and the missing 10% is something that is very important to you e.g. attitude to sex and affection, then it's a mistake to hope that the missing 10% will ever be resolved. People rarely change and if you compromise on something that's important you will always be unhappy. Right now his attitude may not be malicious but, after just over a year, it is already damaging your confidence and heightening your insecurities. There is no point undergoing therapy and trying to fix your anxieties about rejection if the source of your anxiety is sharing your bed and rejecting you.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 31/05/2013 09:15

I see what you mean cogito. It's seems quite depressing to think this could be my future. I'm considering discussing with him my having a lover, though I don't think it'd go down well.

It really has affected my self esteem. I feel like I must b shit in bed. He has had quite a few partners and I compare myself negatively to them

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 31/05/2013 09:21

I agree with others I am afraid. My XP was like this and it absolutely wrecked my self esteem. I tried to beyond sensible levels to make it work but with no success. It was awful really, and even now I am single, and have been for ages, that feeling of being completely sexually unattractive and having zero confidence has remained. I can't imagine anyone fancying me as the idea of it seems so ludicrous. I shouldn't have stayed with XP for years to try and fix it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2013 09:25

A lover? Seriously? The only thing a lover achieves is to make you feel like you sold out. And that's a killer for the self-esteem. In my experience, if it's wrong in the bedroom it's usually because you're with the wrong person. Trick is to end it quickly rather than let it drag on and drag you down with it.

Cherriesarelovely · 31/05/2013 09:36

I sympathise op, I am in a similar situation but due to medication that my dp has been on for 18 mths......sex drive decreased to almost nothing! I feel horribly selfish complaining about it but I agree it does make you feel insecure. Fortunately we have been together for many years so I am trying to see it as a long blip and dp is going to talk to the gp. We had a truly fantastic love life before this and I have always been hugely attracted to her.

nfortunately before I met dp I was in a relationship where I was the less keen one andit really was because I didn't fancy my dp that much. I know it is not the case with my dp now but it is hard.

Not sure what to suggest but personally I don't think having a lover would help, more likely to complicate things I would have thought.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 31/05/2013 09:53

Yes i kno in my heart of hearts a lover isn't the solution. Just considering all options.

It just seems mad to jack in an otherwise great partner for the sake of sex. It's actually a pretty big deal if you are mismatched isn't it..

I have always felt like it's my problem, that I am too needy , and it is my fear of rejection that underlines it all. Those that hAve been in my shoes, have you ever been with someone who has equal sexual needs? Or indeed, is anyone in a relationship with balanced sexual needs?? I really dont ask for much, twice a week I don't think is excessive!? I

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 31/05/2013 10:00

Totally understand and no I don't think twice a week is excessive but perhaps to him it is. It could be your fear of rejection or it could be that you just really fancy your dp and enjoy sex with him and it is his not responding that makes you seem desperate (iyswim!). I honestly don't know if it is worth losing a lovely dp over, it can certainly erode your confidence after a while. I suppose the only other solution is to talk it through so that he knows how important it is to you and reach a compromise. Hard though because you want him to be doing it because he wants to!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2013 10:02

It's a pretty big deal if you're in any relationship that makes you feel needy, frightened of rejection and lacking in confidence. However unintentional the outcome that does not make a 'great partner', it's the wrong partner. Plenty of people are in well-balanced relationships and can communicate about sex without one or the other feeling rejected or needy.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 31/05/2013 10:05

yes. feel so sad now. ill have a chat with him later. i dont want to feel like im giving him an ultimatum, it doesnt feel fair.

and to top it all... he has just moved in! urgh, joy. sorry ive just realised ive drip fed. maybe its the stress and pressure of moving. but thinking back it did exist before this

OP posts:
Varya · 31/05/2013 10:11

It is not your fault or his that his sex-drive is lower than yours. It will become a matter of whether or not you can adjust to his pace or not. If you can, go for it and if you can't then, you know what to do, as most M-netters would support you in doing. Good luck - Varya XXX

Cherriesarelovely · 31/05/2013 10:16

I agree Varya, it is really a question of talking about it and seeing how you feel. No need to rush anything.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2013 10:18

It's not an ultimatum to say that things are not working out, you don't feel that you're compatible and that the intimacy issue is proving more problematic than you thought. That's just being honest and stating facts.

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/05/2013 10:21

I think you do need to mention it. It is a very difficult conversation to have though - my XP took it as an attack on his masculinity . He refused any kind of counselling that I wanted to try in order to help.

He was a lovely partner in all other ways as well. But in the end it infected the rest of the relationship.

I think definitely try and speak to him though - he could be open about it and be willing to try. But have in the back of your mind he could completely deny there is a problem.

Darkesteyes · 31/05/2013 14:06

Op you might find this an interesting read.

www.selfsagacity.com/2012/01/3-phases-of-sexless-relationship-slow.html

Original poster
boomoohoo · 31/05/2013 15:06

thank you, i will have a chat with him. in the past when i have voiced my needs he has listened and agreed to make an effort, but it never comes to anything. he just doesn't think about sex as much as i do!

i am 30, so approaching my sexual peak (?) he is 36. he said his libido has decreased with age. this will only get more intense wont it.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 31/05/2013 15:33

Dont be fobbed off by empty promises Boo. Because if he agrees but doesnt actually attempt to do anything about it then its just empty promises so he can keep the status quo.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2013 16:36

"his libido has decreased with age"

If he's using that excuse at the tender age of 36 he's telling you 'this is as good as I get and it's only going to get worse'. Confused Sex aside, is he generally affectionate? Do you kiss and cuddle? Would he hold your hand walking down the street? Impulsively snog you in Tesco?

CrispyHedgeHog · 31/05/2013 18:58

Yes, it was one of the main reasons.. I felt so unloved and unattractive and even now, 10 years after we broke up I have self esteem issues, but I stuck it out for eight years in all.. I should have ended it as soon as I realised but he was so nice in other ways that I held on hoping it would get better.. it really really didn't :(