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Original poster

Once an EA, always an EA??

12 replies

catkin14 · 30/05/2013 23:02

If you were with a man who has constantly EA'd both you and your DC's, but unknown to you was unhappy in a long term marriage, you then split up and he moves swiftly on to new relationship would it be likely that after a while he would also EA new love or because of different dynamics, not EA her?
Hope that makes sense..

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 30/05/2013 23:06

Hi catkin. He will be on his best behaviour for the first few months. He will even be thinking to himself that he's a different person now he's with the right partner. Depending on how abusive he is, and how much control he has, the mask will slip within 3-6 months. He will start thinking 'she's just like the other one'. Don't torment yourself thinking he will be really happy with someone else. He's still him. If he was very abusive, there is no way this will evapourate. It's not you, it's him.

Original poster
catkin14 · 30/05/2013 23:11

Thanks. I am tying myself up in knots atm thinking I was in the wrong all the time and wondering what she has that i didnt.. Very hard.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 30/05/2013 23:18

This is the worst time for you. You're just doubting yourself and that's natural. His confidence is probably really high as he gloats about how great things are for him now - unless he has done a sustained piece of therapy where he has taken full responsibility for his abusive actions, then he is a ticking time bomb. Can you remind yourself of some of the facts of his abusive behaviour? Did you start a thread, or keep a diary? You might live with this self doubt for some time to come, but each time you will calm down and remember that you know what you know, and someone else will be in for an unpleasant surprise, when the penny starts to drop. x

Original poster
catkin14 · 30/05/2013 23:28

Thanks again. He is telling our DC's that he cant believe how quickly he has recovered from our break up. But he realised it wasnt grief over our marriage as that had been dead for years. He never told me that, put me though weeks of tears and threatening to 'end it all' after i ended marriage.
He is on a real high and it like the last 26 years was a total lie, and no he has not admitted any responsibilty for the misery he caused.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 30/05/2013 23:34

That must be sickening for you Sad and what a manipulative knobber. Distraction might be a good thing for you at the moment. I'm a brooder too, but sometimes it's good to get busy and take your mind off things. He's had 26 years of your life - you will definitely get past this - try not to donate too much more of your time to him. I know that's easy to say. perhaps sticking pins in a wax doll might help too

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 23:34

You are having a bit of trouble disengaging, aren't you love ?

wordyBird · 30/05/2013 23:49

They move on swiftly because their feelings are shallow.

And they attach quickly to anyone who shows up and pays them attention. Because they don't see a real person in front of them, just a fantasy. Hence all that love of my life / we're engaged/ I'm happier than I've ever been bs.

Sadly, there's always a new woman ready to fall for it.

And no, he won't change whoever he's with, because abusive behaviour is hard wired.....

Try not to feel too down, catkin...you are better off without him, and will improve when out of his shadow.

wordyBird · 30/05/2013 23:52

... the above looks critical. Not intended. I only mean it to be critical of the men who set up lovely, kind, trusting women for a life of misery.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2013 08:56

"He is telling our DC's that he cant believe how quickly he has recovered from our break up. But he realised it wasn't grief over our marriage as that had been dead for years"

I think this answers your question. It's almost irrelevant how he treats his latest conquest. The woman could even be a figment of his imagination. But this tactic of claiming that the marriage had been dead for years etc. - making himself feel superior/vindicated by deliberately making others feel bad - is just another facet of emotional abuse.

Original poster
catkin14 · 31/05/2013 09:09

Thanks again for replies.
Although I ended the marriage it has been harder than I thought, but mainly because I felt i had failed everyone.

I know there is no point to most of the crap thats in my head atm, hard though when I hear that most of the last 26 years have been a total lie when I tried so hard to make it happy for everyone.
As you say AnyFucker, just got to let go.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/05/2013 09:20

The last 26 years haven't been a total lie. You were there, you know how it went. If he's really asserting that he spent all that time being miserable and if he chose to make others miserable rather than do something constructive about it, what does that make him? Somewhere between an idiot, a bully and a coward, that's what.

There's that cheesy poem isn't there....
"grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference"

You can't change him and you can't change the past. You can only change your future.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2013 11:54

Wise words indeed

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