Things your parents did that were really 'right'

[looseleaf]

Just wondered to see if anything useful in bringing up our own DC (aged 2&6). Mine are quite obvious really but:

I always felt loved
(mind you I spell this out daily to our DC as it feels right &i was never actually told I was loved but know I was)

Remember my mum helping me with my writing and how special that made me feel. And loved she was always there for us. As was DF who was away more

I had my own pets and doted on them

My mum is an amazing cook and brought us up with great habits eg we only ever drank water and never cared (though I eat far too much rubbish anyway sometimes now)

We were brought up to love books eg had loads at home

And taught languages at a young age (by chance of where we lived but I still appreciate it today!)

Also:
Took us on loads of trips and adventures - not expensive stuff as we never had much money - but always took us to play in the forest, to the beach, every weekend we went somewhere, didn't stay at home in front of the TV. I have some great childhood memories from those trips.

Mum was always there when we got home from school (although appreciate that is not always possible financially in this day

• took us places and to museums, plays, etc
• always had lots of books and newspapers at home
• had 3 children - two wonderful siblings
• encouraged us to do our best (without physical rewards) and were in upheaval when we didn't - but supported us achieving it rather than punish
• showed no favouritism - they still have a point of being fair between the three
• have always shown to be proud of us
• we felt loved, although it was not said as such
• tried to teach us useful stuff (like cooking, sowing, knitting, and driving)
• always said that we should aim to be what we wanted to be professionally (we were sort of expected to go to Uni, though :) )
• taught us manners, but, mainly, ethics, morals and to be kind
• how to parent assertively and as a team
• clear boundaries

I do have a few complaints, though.

This is really lovely - and important - thread. Thanks for starting it looseleaf.

Mum: Impressing on me the value of education and the interest she took in it. Being open about sex and instilling in me an expectation that it would be enjoyable and great fun. To always have the 'makings of a meal' if friends dropped by unexpectedly, or wanted to stay longer.

Dad: Impressing on me the value of friendships and how much they enrich life. To remember the maxim that a happy life is one where you 'work to live' and don't 'live to work' (it took me years to get that one right ). That honesty and integrity are priceless commodities.

Both: That an 'open house' where friends are always welcome, is a happy home and one where memories are created. That people are attracted to generosity and a warm welcome and won't care if the house is untidy. That when you love someone, you show it in your actions as well as your words. To always fight for justice and the 'underdog'.

Helped me believe that I could do anything at all if I put my mind to it
Taught me the value of hard work
Somehow made sure that me and my sisters were friends (not all the time but mostly - and we are, now that we're all adults)
Never hit us, but instilled principles of respect and love
Took us out of school to drive around Europe
Didn't let me give up music lessons when they got hard

This is a great thread, really hope I can give my kids some of this!

For me my parents gave me access to lots of books and culture, they also instilled some strong socialist principles that I think have made me a more compassionate person.

They taught me to be an individual and not care that I didn't fit in with everyone else. They let me make my own mistakes.

They gave me a great model for how a good relationship should work and how spending time with your partner should be fun.

They also gave me a great love of food, cheese and wine!

When we were teenagers, they treated us a "apprentice adults." They were willing to listen to us, to negotiate rules, and let us have considerable freedom when we could demonstrate that we were using it responsibly. Interestingly, DH had a similar upbringing, and we brought our children up with the same approach.

music lessons
house full of books
long free summer holidays outdoors without being hectored to do something constructive
wild swimming
spiritual and unmaterialistic values

Moved to the cheapest house in the best area they could afford, just before I was born.

Told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up.

When I struggled with times tables, my mum wrote me tests - she recorded cassette tapes of herself saying the sums, with a pause where I would write down the answer. She worked from home, as a secretary, but did this in her spare time, every day, for weeks. It worked.

My dad was never a big talker, except for in the car. We used to go and drive around for ages for no reason at all, playing music and chatting, just the two of us.

They always treated my very awful grandparents with respect, even when they were behaving at their worst.

They made sure I left university debt-free. Told me they were proud of me when I couldn't get a decent job afterwards, and was working all hours at two crappy ones instead.

My dad would give me a lift anywhere, at any time of day, including between pub and nightclub, just to make sure I was safe. I could call him now at the age of 39 and know that he would drop everything and come. He's 250 miles away.

The holidays
the cultural experiences
great education

Interesting what another poster said about sleep - my mum said something similar when I was going through a phase of not being able to get to sleep, and worried about it (age about 7 or 8), that if I couldn't get to sleep for ages, it didn't matter, and that just lying there quietly or reading was just as good as actually sleeping. Stopped me stressing about it. Even now when I know it's not really true; it still calms me down if I'm struggling to nod off and have a big day the next day. My DH has issues with sleep so I'm determined if we ever manage to conceive to try and have the same attitude with our kids.

Also I know it's controversial but I love that my mum was able to be at home every day when we came home from school. On the other hand I am ridiculously un-ambitious and wonder whether my mum not working throughout my life has contributed to that! So six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Made us feel loved as equals and individuals, even though there were so many of us.

Made an effort to sit around the table for evening meals - but ad the occasional sitting-room picnic too!

Read avidly and showed us the importance of books.

Boosted our confidence, never belittled us, enjoyed each of us.

And I think giving me 6 younger brothers and sisters did wonders for my ability t be relaxed and take it in my stride when dd was born!

I think never arguing in front of children is unhelpful, actually. My parents did this, which meant I have always been baffled and terrified by conflict. I never had a model for how adults disagree, resolve and make up.

Obviously you can go too far the other way, but children do need to see a balance.

When I was eleven or twelve I asked my dad if I could have my ears pierced. He said no, and it was non negotiable.

A few days later he came back to me and apologized and said that would have been his mothers reaction, and that they were my ears and I still wanted them pierced I could.

I don't see backing down like that as weakness- I really respected him doing that.

I had an amazing grandmother, and when I was a teenager both she and my father were a big influence in my life. Both my grandmother and father have never judged the decisions I made as a teenager, what to study, what career aspirations etc. They both made it clear that you needed to work hard in order to achieve, but both of them were just amazingly supportive. My dad used to drive my friends and I to each other's homes and pick-ups after nights out. He charged us all a £1 but he made sure we all got home to our parents ok. I am going to use this one when my kids become teenagers, there were never any arguments about where I was off to, and because he was picking us all up we got home at a reasonable-ish hour.

My dad also had endless patience trying to help me do my physics and maths homework. He was like an additional teacher, and we'd spend hours trying to do some of the tough Alevel questions together.

My mum was an absolute star. She raised me single handedly and taught me to be everything I am today.
I was always her no1 priority and still am to an extent at the ripe old age of 44. She is always there for me and has never let me down.
I love her with all my heart.

I could bring anyone home at any time and they would always be welcome and there was always enough food for them (I now realise that when my mum didn't eat, it was because she had sacrificed her own food).

My dad always told us we could aim to be anything we wanted.

They both still treat me like I'm the cleverest and most wonderful person in the whole world.