staying strong whilst we split...and not back tracking

[stella10]

Bit of background I have been with dp 5 years married 2. Knew we shouldn't have got married really as already rocky but we did as baby number two was on the way! Anyway things got worse and our rows escalated and I think the lack of love between us has ended up with us resenting each other and then I posted a while bak about a row where he got physical and I nearly phoned the police. Of course he's down played that now but it has really been the final nail in the coffin of our relationship for me and although we both decided to move on after it (I accepted some responsibility for it) I stil find it hard. Anyway splitting up takes some time and when you've split up and got back together that many times before how the hell do you make sure you follow it through this time? We've both been clear we mean it this time but it hurts in a way and its hard and made so much harder when we are stil under the same roof!! Do I just keep reminding myself of all the bad times? I have a few good examples of them to draw on.... Oh I don't know. A part of me stil wants to keep the pretend happy family going! Except I'm not happy:-/

It's such a hard time, that limbo time. Bumping for you for more experienced MN peeps..

Still living under the same roof is going to make it all the more torturous. If you are really wanting to make the split you need to make different livibg arrangements asap and then mentally distance yourself from him as much as poss. I went through this, I found it hard, really hard. It took about a year to get to grips with being friendly and polite but ultimately 'distant' (like a distant relative!) And then he floored me by wanting to get back together! We're now happier together then we ever would have been if we hadn't had that time apart.

Waking up feeling sick with dread every day aswel -not good:-( its really hard to actually go through with it because I know that if I relented and said ok lets try again he would like every other time but its not fair on either of us to stay with no love is it? The thought of never being with someone I really love and find attractive again is awful but also not being able to be with the kids as a family is pretty bad too! Ok there are a few things I can focus on which will be good to be rid of once we split...so I'll do that but I know that there wil stil be arguments wen we do split over the kids etc I've seen it wen friends split with their partners

I think you have to have the courage of your convictions and make a big effort to make the split permanent. 'Love' is such a red herring here and not helpful at all. Set against the daunting unknown of an independent life with two kids to take care of you can convince yourself you love anything. As for finding something attractive.... as my best friend says 'when your fanny's on fire, your brains go out of the window'.

So rather than trying to get in the right mindset to split (which may never happen), just do it. Get the divorce moving, find a place to stay, pack his bags, whatever it takes. Good luck

One thing which is giving me some strength was imagining how it will feel to be single and to maybe feel attractive again instead of invisible to my partner.... I admit I don't make much effort with myself at the moment because a he wouldn't notice and b he makes zero effort so always looks like a slob and why would I want to attract that? I know I settled when I shouldn't have and maybe I should cut my losses and ask for divorce

What would you be losing exactly? A resentful slob that is physically aggressive and doesn't notice you're there? You don't seem to have decided that divorce is the solution.

Its hard to actualy go through with things we've got this far a few times but last night I called him on it he was getting in a huff saying I'd basicaly admitted not loving him so I asked him straight if he loved me? He tried to fob me off with at the moment not sure crap but I pushed the point and said of course you know and also got bit upset saying if he did he wouldn't have been physically aggressive before and he kind of said no we wouldn't be together if not for kids. I think I need more than this or I wil die inside

Everyone's avoiding the elephant in the room at the moment. It's often like this at the end, sadly. If there's not some big single event that finishes it off, it can drag on for quite some time. Someone has to be brave. Good luck

Yes it has already been dragging on for nearly two years! We have been weak. Today I am going to be brave;-) and get some self respect!

Don't see it as weakness, it's a big step you're considering after all. Glad you're feeling braver. :)