Feel so stupid

[Curryface66]

Hi there,
Well hubby had an affaire after 25 years of marriage and two children. This all happened two years ago. Thought I was pretty much over it most of the time. Well today my mother in law said she had had my children's dad round and the other woman for coffee a few weeks back. Out of the blue I got so upset and started crying in front of her I felt so betrayed. She said what could she do he was her son he asked if he could bring her round. I said you could have said no!
I just feel so stupid braking down in front of her and my children I didn't mean to make her feel bad but I don't know where it came from I had no control over my emotions. What do you think?

I think you are very lucky to still have a good relationship with your MIL and, to be honest, you are very foolish to try and influence the relationship she has with her son.

If this happened with my son I would be disappointed with his behaviour and give his ex my full support. I would though treat him as an adult and welcome his new P into my home.

Two years ago is still pretty raw IME. Your ex-MIL should probably have kept quiet about the visit in order to spare your feelings but she's right... he is her DS, the 'OW' is part of his life, and she can't give them the cold shoulder indefinitely. It wasn't stupid to break down and I hope she was sensitive about that. However, maybe now is the time to put a bit of distance between your ex-in-laws... avoid this kind of thing happening again in future?

It's not her fault, it's his. Sorry you're going through this.

I just feel this woman is living the life I had and its still hard to take.

I'd give yourself a huge break. This is still raw and painful and most people in this situation find that there will also be triggers that resurrect some of the earlier pain and loss. Tears are are involuntary response and you should not berate yourself for them.

You've said yourself that you didn't want your MIL to feel bad, but she would have known that her words would have produced a reaction, so she won't be surprised by your tears and is probably right now beating herself up about not imparting this news more sensitively.

Parents are in a hellishly difficult position in these situations and she probably wants to retain good relationships with both you and her son. Allowing his new partner into her home doesn't necessarily equate to liking this woman. She probably felt it was the civilised thing to do and she had to meet her sometime. She was probably nervous about meeting her and decided that it was better to do so on her home territory.

It might be a good thing to talk to exMIL about how you understand the difficult position she was in and reiterate that you hope you can still retain your relationship with a woman who has been such a major part of your life.

But please don't feel guilty or silly for your tears. They are natural and are all part of the grief process.

Sorry, I was in a rush there to get something down as I was worried about some of the harsher responses you've received.

That should read: there will always be triggers

and

Tears are an involuntary response

Thank you Charbon your thoughts are much appreciated and make a lot of sense x

I did something similar recently ( only 3 months along) lost it with mil-shot the messenger so to speak. After I felt terrible.
I sent her a message to say sorry I got upset , that it was hard as I value her friendship so much and that I was probably projecting my anger and sadness into her when its her son I really felt it for. She was lovely and understanding and has been even more supportive ( I think she thought I was coping better than I was)
I'd go and talk to her and say the things you've said on here about her having your life. You have to remember unless you have been through this you don't really understand or appreciate what it's like even if you can sympathise. It may not have occurred to her that you would be upset. And Another hurdle crossed x

You poor darling. Of course you got upset. as the other op's said 'it's another hurdle crossed'. if it was my son I would be fuming. think of the length of time it took the Queen to accept Camilla.
Actually if my dh left me , one upshot is that i would have an ex mil. You are lucky yours is nice. Mine was a bitch but has mellowed with age. Mind you there was a lot of mlowing to do