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Relationships

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Original poster

how long to wait?

16 replies

tedmundteddington · 30/05/2013 16:20

I have been with my boyfriend for the last 5 years. I am 25 and he is 28. We don't live together, but in the next 6 months we will be looking to find a place together.

As we have been in a relationship for so long, family and friends have started making comments, such as 'when are you getting engaged?'. Now, I know this is a joke, but the thing is I really want to get engaged! We have had general conversations about this and his response is 'we will in the future'. However, this has been his response for the past 18 months.

So ... How long do I wait before bringing this up properly? Or, am I being unreasonable and should I wait?

OP posts:

WaitingForMe · 30/05/2013 16:33

If it's important then don't buy a place with him without a ring. DH was pretty sure he didn't want another child (two from first marriage), I said I was only interested in casually dating a man who didn't want a baby with me. It made him think seriously.

I don't agree with game playing but I think too many women commit to what men want without getting what they want. I had friends roll their eyes at me and my attitude but life is short.

Dahlen · 30/05/2013 16:34

I'd do it now. There is no right time and things may be in a pattern of progressing so slowly in your relationship because you were both so young when you got together. However, if that's what you want now ,you need to talk about it, as if your views are incompatible on this matter you need to know sooner rather than later.

Its not 'needy' to make a statement about what you want. Needy would be dropping hints and playing games to make the point.

BlingLoving · 30/05/2013 16:38

I'm so glad to see the responses of the first two posters. In RL, when this kind of thing used to come up with my girlfriends, I was always the one saying that you have every right to say what you want. I think WaitingForMe puts it very well with "I think too many women commit to what men want without getting what they want." That was my point, endlessly.

You will find that people will tell you it's not fair to pressurise DP into it etc etc. And to a certain extent, that's true. But at the same time, in effect, by refusing to get married, he's doing the same to you.

Having said that, you are still young and don't yet live together so I'd be tempted to put a timeline on it, rather than a full ultimatum at this point. Something like making it clear to him that you're moving in with him with the view of getting married in the not too distant future and have a set timeline in your head. In my case, it was one year from when DH and I moved in together. Then stick to it.

Charbon · 30/05/2013 18:24

If you want to get married, then don't wait any longer. Ask him if he wants to marry you and then if he doesn't, listen to his reasons, check whether he wants to wait longer or whether he just doesn't want to marry you and decide where you go from there.

However, I would sound a note of caution about marrying someone you've been with since 20. Most people find that their twenties is the decade when they grow up a great deal and the partner they'd choose in their thirties is not always the one that appealed aged 20. As he was only 23 when you met, the same applies to him.

Coffee1Sugar · 30/05/2013 18:29

Op - very similar situation here. I'm 25, dp is 32 though we do live together. He'll happily watch Don't Tell The Bride with me and comment how "oh ours won't be like that" etc but I am stillllll waiting! I'm hoping my birthday in a couple of weeks may surprise me but who knows. I'm with you!

BadgersRetreat · 30/05/2013 18:31

weeeeelll not necessarily Charbon - i met DH when i was 19.

Am now 37, he's 45, and we grew up together, if you like. We married after 7 yrs and still happy as pigs in shit after 18 yrs together.

We were in a v similar position to you OP and in the end i just told him that i wanted to get engaged. He had a little think about it and then asked one day if i'd like to go ring shopping

good luck

Shybairns · 30/05/2013 18:32

I met my h when I was 21 and got married at 25. I was desperate to be married and have a family, it was my only aspiration. We plunged into married life and had our first child when I was 27. (he's 6yrs older)

Now 33 and divorcing him. We had grown up and grown apart.

I wish now that I had spent my 20s travelling, partying and working on getting a proper carreer. As now i am starting again with my professional life and have no useful qualifications.
I should have become a midwife like I wanted to instead of becoming the 'little woman'.

My advice may seem a little bitter, but overall, I just urge you to look beyond marraige and children and make sure you make the most of your youth.

Charbon · 30/05/2013 18:33

I'm sure I'm not alone in finding it profoundly depressing that young women are still ceding all the power and control to men about marriage and the timing of it.

yorkshirewoman · 30/05/2013 18:58

I agree with Charbon - you must take control of the situation at this stage. And if you live together make sure that you know your legal rights. I have found to my cost, as a feminist, that I would have been legally better protected if I had been married (just a formality) or engaged. Like it or not we still live in a patriarchal society - where the legal system works better for men than for women and generally men are financially more secure than women.
Sorry to be so unromantic - that wears off after time - just look after your interests.
So get engaged both for romantic and practical reasons - and if he has got cold feet - well you know the answer.

Original poster

tedmundteddington · 30/05/2013 20:47

thank you for all of your replies I know its not the pressing topic on the board, but your advice has been appreciated.

In our relationship, I'm the most secure financially and career wise, and I'm probably the 'boss' (I'm v. organised, he is less so!). And as old-fashioned as it seems, I would like to be proposed too instead of having to make the decision and organise the whole bloody thing!!

I know that we are both young in the grand scheme of things, but both of us are home-birds, and our idea of a good night is a take-away, a nip to asda for the 3 for a tenner wine deal and a peep show DVD.

OP posts:

Dahlen · 30/05/2013 21:29

If you are the main breadwinner in the relationship, marriage probably won't benefit you much while there are no DC involved, so for you right now it IS all about romance and a gesture of commitment, and that's fine. It doesn't matter how it compares to other people's lives, it's your life and therefore important to you.

Marriage is a decision that should be made together though, not by one person alone, and how you communicate about this will set the pattern of communication throughout the rest of your relationship. I can understand why you'd want the romance of an old-fashioned proposal and who's anyone to judge you for that? However, IMO no proposal should come completely 'out of the blue' because that would imply that the two people concerned have completely different expectations and goals and very little communication.

In your shoes, I'd bring it up directly and say that's what you want long term and in what sort of timescale. I'd also discuss children (or the lack of). It doesn't mean you want to get married and be pregnant by the end of the year but will ensure that you're both on the same page. Then sit back and see what he does.

Good luck.

bbqsummer · 30/05/2013 22:07

Walk away.
He doesn't want to be married with a baby.

sooperdooper · 30/05/2013 22:16

I f

Original poster

tedmundteddington · 30/05/2013 22:19

BBQ - can get ask why you think that?

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 30/05/2013 22:20

I don't understand why women feel they have to wait for a man to be the one who makes the decision about marriage!

If its important to you, tell him so, explain your reasons and make a joint decision about it.

Getting married/engaged isn't about waiting for the romance of him getting down on one knee, it should be a joint decision by two adults who want the same future

Don't be the passive woman, tell him what you want, it's your future and you have the right to say what happens in it

Shybairns · 31/05/2013 09:03

You could plan a holiday and set up romantic places and situations during the holiday. Thus giving him ample opportunity to take the plunge.

How ever, if you are having to convince him in any way that you are the one he should marry or that marraige is a good idea then I would seriously consider ending it with him. There will be men in your life who will fall over themselves to be married to you.

Another point that occurs to me. Is he comfortable with you being the more successful one in the relationship? The 'boss' of your relationship?
Is this how his mother is with his father and does your bf respect that set up?
Is asking you to marry him something he wants to do completely in his own time just so he feels he has some control over his life?
The only way to know is to talk to him and to listen carefully to what he says.

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