longtime lurker, first time poster... and it's going to be a hefty one!
I wanted to add my story after being inspired by the 'statley homes' thread ... I would have posted there, but once I got going I realised it's so big that I'd be better off starting a new thread.
I have renamed some people and places to retain some anonymity; I hope that's ok? Also; please note that I'm male (in case that confuses you in this!) and that this is going to be really really long!
I would really like any comments, advice, feedback (positive or negative) - I really would appreciate some inputs because sometimes this all gets on top of me and I find it quite hard to process.
So ok...
My Mum is Australian, and my Dad is Italian (very strong family values, apparently) and I was born and raised in the UK. My whole life all I ever heard from my mum was that she wanted to move back to Australia. I want to preface this first bit by saying that I was a very quiet and polite young man growing up ? I always got good grades, never got into trouble, blablabla. I was more into Sci-Fi and computers than sports or cars (which didn't sit well with my family) and as a result I felt (and was told - many times) that I was a disappointment and not 'normal' by my parents ("why can't you like football like a normal boy your age" etc). I never really bonded with my Dad who was too meek to ever stand up to my Mum (and we had nothing in common as he was a real man's man), and my Mum is a narcissist who believes the whole world should revolve around her (and unfortunately my Dad was her enabler).
I never had an easy time growing up, but by the time I got to highschool my Mum had become increasingly abusive (both physically and emotionally). At age 11 she decided that she no longer wanted to feed me (and locked the cupboards so I couldn't take any food), and told me she wished I had never been born. This was made worse because I have two younger sisters who she doted on and utterly adored. On more than one occasion she tried to have my Dad "send me away" because she "couldn't stand to see me any more." I remember at age 12 being sat down and told by my Dad that he loved me very much, but his Mum was there first. That I needed to stay out of my Mum's way as much as possible or I may have to live with my grandma or go to some sort of home.
I got by doing paper-rounds or working cash-in-hand, and I bought, cooked, cleaned and ironed for myself from ~12years old. I generally tried to stay out of her way as much as humanly possible and I basically lived in my room when I was home. All that being said, I grew up to be a well-adjusted, sociable, friendly guy, so I don't think it affected my personal development that much. If people knew, I think they'd be surprised that I wasn't more 'messed up' if that makes sense?
After enduring this for pretty much as long as I can remember, at age 15 or 16 (when I was doing my GCSEs) my Dad got offered a job in Australia. My Mum was delighted, and they decided between them that I would stay in the UK and do my GCSEs and A-Levels by myself, whilst my parents and sisters would move to Australia. To cut a long story short I had a realisation that - despite my home life being utterly miserable - I was too young to be left alone. I was worried that I would fail all my exams and end up going off the rails? so I asked to come with them. I don't pretend to understand the legalities of it all, but eventually they were forced to bring me with them at very short notice (4 days or something?) much to their obvious disappointment.
Thankfully when she got back to Australia my Mum mellowed a little bit, and generally left me alone to complete my schooling (best decision of my life ? if I?d stayed in the UK I?d be nowhere today). I applied to and was accepted into Uni in the UK, hoping that I could get as far away as possible from them, and generally live a normal life at 18. Between the ages of 18-21 I had the most liberating time of my life, and loved every second of Uni.
I studied hard and got a good degree, and in my final year of Uni I met my DP. We really hit it off, I knew she was the one. Problem was that I had already accepted a job offer in Australia (much to the delight of my Dad who kept saying he missed me) ? which meant that I could see my sisters and Dad if I wanted to. I ended up rejecting the job and staying in the UK with my DP, much to the anger and disappointment of my family (I still don't understand why they were so upset? Maybe they realised I picked her over them and it hurt?).
I got a very good well paid job and some time passed. Next year, when my parents were visiting the UK, DP convinced me she'd like to meet them (she knew about my past, but wanted to try to help fix things). I knew it was a bad idea, but I said yes in the end. We met them and she was absolutely lovely to them, but in response they were extremely horrible and rude to her (zero provocation ? other than I picked her over them?). One of my sisters (Chloe) had become just like my Mum except even more twisted and vindictive, and decided to start a hate campaign against us ? she started emailing DP death threats, writing blogs online about how much she hated DP, doctoring photos of us, she even somehow got some very sensitive information about DP?s sister (Mary) and used it to insult and humiliate her to the point of Mary almost committing suicide (- trust me it was that bad.). My Mum thought this was funny and was almost egging her on, and my Dad acted like an ostrich and stuck his head in the sand, and ignored it all.
After many many fights over how rubbish my family were I convinced DP that I?d not have anything more to do with them. We eventually moved on, cut all outward communication with them, and got on with our lives.
Years later I proposed, and she accepted ? and all of the above being a distant and less hurt-filled memory, combined with my grandma convincing us that they?d changed and it was very important that Italian families stick together (etc), we grudgingly invited my parents and sister to the wedding on the strict proviso that Chloe was not allowed to come. As a wedding present my Dad gave us £20,000, and I?m ashamed to say that it made the whole situation more tolerable at that point in time - at the time he said it was a gift, later on he said it was for the wedding/honeymoon, and later on he said it was a loan. Legally though he sent it as a 'deed of gift' which we were glad to receive (and built some bridges with DP and my family). In the end the full £20k went towards the deposit of our first home, so we can never realistically give it back now (as it's spent).
To cut a long story short (and as if you didn't guess it) they brought Chloe anyway. Chloe spent the whole day ruining our wedding and making everyone feel extremely uncomfortable, bringing Mary to tears several times with her snide comments, etc... My parents were too ashamed to tell anyone why we?d excluded Chloe from the invites, and because it was my wedding day and I didn?t want to get involved. I tried to have her ejected from the venue but someone bought her a room in the hotel so (as a paying guest) she had every right to be in the communal lounge just outside of our wedding meal/evening party. Chloe invented some BS story about DP and her family trying to exclude her which turned half of my Dad?s Italian family against us. I started getting verbal abuse from my Dad?s family throughout the day (which made zero sense to me at the time, but hearing what had happened makes me sick to my stomach now), culminating in them staging a walk-out during the disco in the evening ? pulling the plug on the music to announce that the wedding was a complete farce and that I was no longer welcome in their family. It was insane.
The wedding was completely ruined (obviously) which sent DP into a very deep depression which almost led to our divorce. We managed to get back on track after about a year but sadly DP?s mother passed away (unrelated), which sent her into another long depression. It felt like everything was going wrong at that point which put a massive strain on us and her family. I tired to be as supportive as possible, and thankfully we got through to the other side together. To this day though, my wife mourns for the wedding she never had, and that she?ll never be able to have (her Mum being gone now) and we cannot really afford to do the whole 'big thing' again like she'd always dreamt. It?s heart-breaking, I wish I could do something to help her, but I don?t know how.
This time we decided that whatever happened we would never ever let them back into our life again. The Italians being very ?family-orientated? had decided that we were no longer part of our family and could not be convinced of the truth, and we received word that we?d been written out of wills, and generally excommunicated (and that I'd been disowned). My Dad even sent bailiffs after us to try to recover the £20k he?d given us, and threatened to sue us to get his money back. There is no doubt in my mind that he only did this to appease my Mum who will have been the person behind this; but unfortunately there's no way I can prove this.
As a result we changed EVERYTHING about our lives; our jobs, our address, our emails, phone numbers, even our last name (which was Italian) in a bid to never hear from them ever again. It?s been 2.5 years, and we now have a 2yo baby girl who will never meet 3 of her grandparents? but I feel like it?s finally over. Thing is, I am worried that one day they will pop up again, and I just feel generally uneasy :-(
Sorry I?ve run out of steam now, that was a very long one! That?s generally where we are now ? as I said before, any feedback would be greatly appreciated! I?m an open book and would be happy to answer any questions. Thanks all