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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

owwwww it hurts so much

17 replies

positivementalcatitude · 30/05/2013 13:47

Hello. Found out at the weekend my boyfriend cheated on me. He's been incredibly sorry, trying so hard to put things right and be loving etc etc. I always thought I'd kick someone out if they did it to me but all I can think of is - what if he does it again? Either with her or someone else. I know its only fresh and have no hope of rebuilding trust so soon. But can someone please just reassure me it will get easier? Thank you x

OP posts:

thistlelicker · 30/05/2013 13:48

Follow that belly feeling u have!

Original poster

positivementalcatitude · 30/05/2013 13:51

My belly says he's genuine and it was just a blip. I've been no saint, I know how these things can happen and spiral. I just want the hurt to go away. And for him to choose me and not her. Although I've seen the email that was sent, finishing it. But what if she gets in touch again and tries to get him back??

OP posts:

AgathaF · 30/05/2013 13:58

How long have you been together? Do you live together? Any children?

If you just brush it under the carpet he will think he has got away lightly with it and have no incentive to not do it again. You need to make sure he realises how serious it is for you.

You say you've been no saint - does that mean you've cheated too, or are you trying to minimise what he has done and justify it by your own behaviour?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2013 14:13

I just want the hurt to go away.
I'm sorry, that must have been a devastating discovery. Did he tell you or did you find out?

He apologised. He's being loving. So what sparked off him cheating on you? Were you on a break? Had you had a row? Is she a colleague, an ex, a girl he met at a bar when you weren't with him? Did they have safe sex?

The trouble is, you can't be with him 24/7. He might say it was a one-off. How do you know? He's being super attentive now. That's big of him. Have you been together long, are you living together, is he living under your roof or do you live at his place?

If was some kind of tit-for-tat because you're "no saint", it doesn't sound healthy.

Sorry for the barrage of questions. If you haven't got a child with him my inclination would be to get up and go or tell him to pack his bags.

Original poster

positivementalcatitude · 30/05/2013 14:13

Hi Agatha.
We've been together 4 years and live together, no kids. I'm very much showing him how much it hurts - i am literally physically sick a lot in front of him so its very much not putting on a brave face.
I'm no saint in that I cheated on previous partners and have an understanding of how these things go. You get infatuated, its exciting, all new and different from your day to day life. I just can't believe he'd be so stupid to not listen to his rational side and just not do it. I'm not justifying anything, he's been a total c* and I can't even look at him.

OP posts:

Original poster

positivementalcatitude · 30/05/2013 14:16

Hey donkey. She was an old friend of a friend who got in touch with him via facebook and they started chatting.. you can tell where this led. Nothing had happened, no break, no row. The only problem in our relationship was that we had sort of stopped having sex and making time for each other. I had no idea anything was wrong. And yes, I found out. Its been happening for 3 months and I hate the pair of them right now.
I don't want to kick him out though, thats the perverse thing.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2013 14:41

Being quick to forgive doesn't mean you'll forget and if at the back of your mind you're somehow thinking letting him get away with this makes up for whatever you did to others in the past, I'm not sure that's really the answer.

Btw if in the interests of starting honestly and on an equal level, you told bf about your past affairs, I seriously doubt he'd have given himself the green light to proceed without absolute and full knowledge of what this would signal to you. He's crossed a big line and either thinks you'll condone it or give him another chance.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 30/05/2013 14:45

You made it sound like it was a one-night-stand at the weekend.

It lasted for three months.

It wasn't a moment of madness, it was a long, drawn-out affair.

He didn't come clean, you found out.

You won't want to kick him out yet. You'll probably vary between hysterical bonding and throwing up. But don't make any decisions hastily.

For your own physical and mental health, ask him to leave for a day or so. You'll pull yourself together better when he's gone, and it'll be a better foundation to rebuild from. He'll also see how serious this is; how close he is to being asked to leave for good.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2013 15:41

3 months - that's a full on affair.
Sorry, but it happened to me but with DC and a 15 year marriage.
I couldn't take him back.
I know I'd never forget and although I would like to have forgiven I know it would always weigh on me and our relationship.
I had to end it. No way did I deserve to be cheated on and no way was I going to put up with someone 'getting away' with it.
Everyone is different though.

As advised - ask him to leave for a while so you can get your head straight with him out of the picture.
I would suggest a good week or so is better than just 1 or 2 days.
You may well need longer and you may decide he is not worth it and you are worth a lot more. But he needs to not be there for you to make those decisions.
Sorry you are going through this.

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 30/05/2013 15:46

I think you need some space in your own to work out how you feel. He should clear off for a bit, it is really hard to decide what you want when he is there looking sad and remorseful.

I would wonder about whether he ever would have come clean if you hadn't caught him out. You deserve better, dont worry about your past relationships they have no bearing on what he has done to you now. You didnt cheat on him!

Leverette · 30/05/2013 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Holly1977 · 30/05/2013 16:15

I'm sorry to hear this has happened, it must be very painful. I agree with others that a 3 month affair is very different to a one night stand. And he didn't tell you, you found out. How much longer might it have gone on if you hadn't?

My advice is to tell him to leave. I think some time and space is what you (and he) both need. Get some perspective on it all then get together in a few days (or whenever), maybe on neutral ground, and talk it through.

In no way am I blaming you but there must have been something not right in the relationship for him to do this. You don't have 3 month affairs when you're totally happy with someone. And whatever the problem is in your relationship needs to be resolved if you want things to work out long term. Aside from you being able to feel secure that he won't do it again, your relationship sounds like it needs some attention too.

4 years is a long time though and I personally think it's worth investing some time and effort in trying to make things work. Relationships are hard work but they're worth the effort. Lots of couples recover from infidelity and come out stronger the other side. Just cos someone has cheated doesn't mean it's the end. Good luck :-)

Lweji · 30/05/2013 17:03

In no way am I blaming you but there must have been something not right in the relationship for him to do this. You don't have 3 month affairs when you're totally happy with someone.

Even if that was true, then you try and sort it out with the partner or leave.

Not sure I'd want to sort the relationship out with the cheater.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2013 17:20

Well it could just be the relationship was fine, but he got greedy, wanted more, as OP says
You get infatuated, its exciting, all new and different from your day to day life.

Going back to what positivementalcatitude said,
The only problem in our relationship was that we had sort of stopped having sex and making time for each other. I had no idea anything was wrong.

Over four years there are probably highs and lows. Ideally partners are attuned to each other and make allowances, stay honest.

It comes down to timing, were things already going wrong, did he try and tell OP?
Did the affair begin before the sex at home stopped?
Was he detaching from OP because he'd had contact with OW and was leading up to being unfaithful?

Charbon · 30/05/2013 17:58

It is a myth that there must have been dissatisfaction in this relationship for an affair to happen. Hopefully you know this OP, because of your own previous experiences. However sometimes there is unhappiness, but having an affair is never the mature response to resolution. Talking about dissatisfactions and reaching agreement about solving any problems is the only healthy and kind way to deal with unhappiness. Even if there is dissatisfaction of some sort, it is never the sole cause of an affair. That cause lies within the individual who has had an affair.

I too would be interested in the chronology of this. Unfortunately on discovery people will often minimise their actions and this includes telling lies about the actual duration of an affair. If the sex started to dwindle around the same time as your partner got back in touch with this woman (which was when the affair actually started) then any sexual difficulties were the product of the affair and not the other way around. Ask him to show you messages and check the dates, then work backwards and recall how your relationship was faring before that date.

I'd counsel you OP to try to stand back and consider what you want from your relationship. It's not a good sign at all that your partner has been unfaithful only 4 years in and before you have children. If the sexual difficulties pre-dated contact with the other woman, that also doesn't augur well for a long-term relationship that hasn't yet experienced the pressures of pregnancy, childbirth and young children.

The advice about getting some space to think is very sound. You might find it helpful before doing so to ask lots of questions, but on hearing the answers give yourself some reflection time before coming to a judgement about what you will do.

Holly1977 · 30/05/2013 18:21

I agree. I'm not saying that if you're not happy that makes it ok to cheat, of course you should talk things through rather than shagging someone else. Cheating is never ok.

Charbon · 30/05/2013 18:51

Accepted. But do be careful about expounding that myth about 'he must have been unhappy in your relationship for him to do this' because it's positively harmful to couples trying to deal with an infidelity crisis. That myth appeals both to the person who's strayed because it legitimises his/her actions and to the person on the receiving end, because it's comforting to think that making his/her partner happy at all times is going to be able to prevent repeat infidelity.

The truth is that all relationships will have peaks, troughs and flatlines, but the risk of infidelity is at its highest when an individual is undergoing a personal crisis of some sort - not necessarily in his relationship. It's much more apposite to summise that an individual must have had some difficulties with life to have been unfaithful, because people's lives are about much more than their romantic relationships.

Invariably I've found that with cyber-based relationships, boundaries are breached much more quickly and online confidences and sexual messages are much easier to type than to say out loud. The flirtatious build-up can be sanctioned by the participants much more easily because both are able to convince themselves they've done nothing more wrong than type a few words on a screen. Any guilt often only kicks in after a face-to-face encounter, by which time they are in too deep to turn back.

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