Any advice? Appears my dad is having an affair

[Kaliani]

To cut a very long story short, my mother found some texts between my dad and OW on his phone. I haven't seen them, but from what I can gather, they're pretty explicit. She confronted him about it, and since then, he has changed the name in his phone to the name of a local theatre. A few weeks later, she found a ticket for a car park close to this local theatre, for a time when he said he was somewhere else. She has also found what she terms as 'long brown' hairs in their bed - she has bobbed blonde hair.

She keeps confronting him about these things - and he is saying that she is paranoid and doesn't trust him - denying everything basically.

My DB has known about this for a lot longer than I have, and is convinced he is having an affair. DM is now asking both me and DB to follow my dad to find out if he is lying.

Both me and DB have said that we don't want to get involved, that we're not willing to follow DF, because if we do find something out, we both feel we would be the ones in the wrong - if we find something out and tell mum, it feels like a betrayal of DF, and if we don't tell her, we're betraying DM, if that makes any sense at all. DM is now getting narky at both DB and me, when we refuse to drop our families to follow DF.

I am getting married later in the year, and DM had said she didn't want to 'do anything' before then. Fair enough. So I told her, from advice gleaned on here, to wait, continue to gather evidence etc, that he will only admit what she can prove. But she doesn't seem to be able to do that, and I am being deluged with daily texts about what she has found, and the row they have had when she confronted him about it. She has now text me something along the lines of 'so I'm supposed to say nothing when I find these things' and is refusing to answer my calls.

My brother and I considered getting the OW number, and calling her to inform her that DF has a family, grandchildren and that he stands to lose everything he's built for the past 34 years.

I just don't know what to say to her, or do. Do I stay out of it, or do I owe my mother some loyalty in finding out what is going on, considering how she was there for me when I went through a similar thing a few years ago. I think if I were to find out, for sure, that DF was having an affair, not only would I not want to see him, or the OW, but my DM would eventually end up resenting me for bringing about the end of her marriage.

Any advice? This whole thing is really getting me down. I am attempting to revise for an exam, work full time and look after my DD, and this is just too much

Tbh I think your mum should confront him now, I might have got this wring but an impending wedding is no reason to live with a cheat.

Especially finding hairs in the bed, its just sick.

I think for your own sanity, let her deal with it tbh its wrong for her to drag your and your brother into this, its inappropriate and a bit sick really, this is her marriage not yours she needs to collect the sordid details herself.

I would agree with you there, Oct. Just to be clear, it's not me decreeing that she can't confront him now, its her. I suspect its partly thinking of me, wanting my Dad at the wedding, to give me away etc, but partly for her, in a 'keeping up appearances' kind of way.

The other thing is, she has confronted him, several times. But she has no real proof. Just these texts, which I don't think she has told him she has seen. And so, he brushes her off as paranoid and not trusting him, that the OW is a 'customer'

Again, I agree with you. I just feel so...disloyal in refusing to help her. Compounded by the fact that when either me or DB refuse, we get shitty texts, making us feel more guilty.

Keep out of your parent's relationship- say to your mum it's inappropriate and she should turn to a friend/other relations to deal with it, or just tackle it herself. Totally inappropriate to drag you into you and expose you to all this- it is their marriage and up to her what she will put up with- I mean if I found long dark hairs in my marital bed then I wouldn't be giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, but she might be prepared to do so and getting you involved is never going to pay off in the long run- especially as she may not leave him anyway.

Thats the thing, Mumsy. She's already said if he said sorry, they would stay together. So if I do as she asks etc, find a load of stuff out and tell her, and she tells him that it was me, thats mine and DF's relationship ruined forever. Just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place

Sensible advice to keep out of this but very sorry OP, what a nightmare.

I was going to suggest you nudge your mother in the direction of threads here to get some clue as to what to do next but as you've posted, I guess you don't want her coming on this thread.

Oh your poor mum. She must be in hell.

I think that it's fairly clear he's having an affair, don't you?

She's already made it clear that she's not going to leave him.

He's not going to admit to anything she can't prove.

You don't want to get caught in the middle of what is going to be a very painful thing.

I suggest that you tell her that you really can't be what she wants you to be in all this and advise her to hire a private detective. They can get proof in the form of photos etc, if that's what she needs.

However, when she has this proof, what then?

She thinks he'll admit it, say sorry and end things with this woman? He'll be sorry he got caught and couldn't talk his way out of it! That's all. Will he end it? Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll carry on. Maybe he'll leave to be with this woman. Maybe he'll turn on your mum.

There's just so many ways this could end.

I feel so sorry for your mum, she's the victim here. But of course, you love both your parents and although you must be very angry with your dad for shitting all over your mum like this, I am sure that you love him too. It must be very hard.

Thanks Hecsy. You've hit the nail on the head. I do feel incredibly sad that my mum is going through it. I know how it feels. And yes, I do love my dad, as much as I'm raging at him. DB says that if it turns out he is having an affair, he will cut contact with him, and the thought of it scares me to death. I've always been closer to dad than mum, and DD absolutely adores him. And yet I feel like I won't be able to continue the same relationship with both of them It would feel like I was condoning what DF has done. And yet the thought of no contact with my dad breaks my heart.
I am going to have to say gently to my mum that I will support her whatever happens, but that I can't be her private detective and I don't want to know sordid details. Some things she has told me can never be forgotten, and are things that someone should never have to know about her parents.

And in answer to your question, yes, I'm about 95% sure that he is having an affair.

I was going to suggest that exact same plan.
Not getting involved, but supporting her in whatever decision she makes.

You don't have to cut with your dad, as his betrayal is not of you.

Although, if I was going to ask him about it if it comes out and he lied, then I would be very upset and would definitely feel betrayed.

I haven't cut contact with my father, nor has my husband, and they have both had affairs. Once you get into your twenties, thirties and forties, and your parents correspondingly older, I think keeping out of the ups and downs of their married life is definitely the right thing.

As you say- there's no point in finding out things, because she won't act, what she is really asking you to do is to make your dad feel guilty and do the 'won't you think of the children?' thing, plus using you as a sounding-board. But that is not your job and I would just say- it's your relationship, it's up to you, I really don't want to hear anything about it

A lot of people have affairs in long-marriages, it is perfectly possible to wish they didn't but still continue to love them. You are not a child living in their house and your dad didn't take vows to you. I would leave them to it and ask your mum not to involve you in any way in the future.

Kaliani - i'm in the same boat unfortunately.

My mum found out my dad had signed up to a dating shagging site whilst he was supposed to be at a work do. There was an email from one of the women on the site the next morning saying that she'd 'enjoyed their time together'. Yuck.

Anyway, my mum confronted him. He denied it. Said it must have been a friend playing a trick on him (despite this site requiring very specific details such as mother's maiden name, which his friends wouldn't know, but was completed correctly). My mum fell out with him for a week, then that was it. i was furious at how little she had done about it. She basically said she has no proof, so just has to take his word for it.

No advice really other than to not get involved, but be there for support.

I meant mine and my husband's fathers have had affairs, not my husband (I hope)!

"And yet I feel like I won't be able to continue the same relationship with both of them It would feel like I was condoning what DF has done"

It wouldn't mean that, but that's why you have to avoid taking sides at this stage. You can be disappointed in your DF's behaviour, you can be supportive of your DM... but none of that means you are condoning or condemning. When people post on here that they are splitting up and what do we tell the kids the answer is always 'the break-up is not your fault & we both love you'.... closely followed by how important it is to make sure the children carry on having a good relationship with both parents (albeit separately), not asking them to take sides and not filling their ears with all the gory details.

The only difference between you and those children is that you're older.

Second a private detective here - that's if your mum really does actually want to know what's going on.

I suspect, however, that she doesn't want proof. Do you think she is perhaps enjoying the drama/trying to force you and your DB to take sides?

Absolutely loads of sympathy here Kaliani. My mum has made similar discoveries that indicate very strongly that my dad is having some kind of inappropriate dalliances with other men.

She has involved me and my sister and started using us as a sounding board, without actually doing anything about it herself. I have reduced contact with both my parents as a result of this and tons of other stuff stretching back years. I agree with other posters that it's totally unfair to be dragging you into her relationship with your dad. She should be confiding in friends or other adults who are not involved in the situation in the way that you are.

'You can be disappointed in your DF's behaviour, you can be supportive of your DM... but none of that means you are condoning or condemning'

This is very true - you can have strong feeling about both of their behaviours, without writing either one of them off

You need to look after yourself here and put your own feelings first.

I really feel for you OP. This whole thing must be hellish but I second, third etc everything that has already been said: It isn't right or healthy for you and your brother to get involved with this. This is a matter between your mother and father only. The sniffy messages show how terrible she feels right now but If I were you, I wouldn't reply to any of them and if she phoned me, I'd reiterate to her that I wouldn't be prepared to get involved. That I love her and feel for her but she and your father need to sort this out for themselves and perhaps refuse to talk about it at all with her (Changing the subject or even putting the phone down on her which will be awfully hard but it's unfair of her to drag you and your brother into this.)

If you can take any comfort from this whole situation it's that you and your brother are 'singing from the same songsheet' on this. Stick together as siblings.

Thank you to all that replied. You have all re-iterated what I was thinking myself. I really don't feel comfortable being in the middle of everything. I love both my parents equally, and while I am very angry at my dad at the moment, I don't think I am the right person to sort this for her. I will love and support her in whatever comes next, and try to forge a relationship with my dad once they have sorted this.

I will also talk to my brother tomorrow when he comes back from his holiday. Maybe we can support each other

Thanks again x

It sounds like a nightmare.

But dont you find it slightly disingenious, the thought of him giving you away in marriage when he has treated his own vows in this way? If he is shagging another woman in the family home, in the marital bed, would him giving you away not be the last you want? How can you actually even consider walking down the aisle hanging off his arm, knowing there is another woman sniggering about your mum somewhere?

I do feel for your mum and any woman who finds herself in that hideous position. But there are some people who don't leave no matter how much evidence they find, they just torture themselves pursuing and finding increasingly incriminating evidence that they never act on. Your mum may be in that group at least for the time being. It often takes time to gather the courage to go. But until then, she has enough evidence to act now, if only she could/wanted to. She's just not ready to act. It's not incremental evidence that she needs, it's courage and self-esteem. She's trying to get allies by dragging you into it (another pointer to self-esteem). So I suppose I'm saying don't waste your time with the detective work, but help her work on her self-esteem.

It's a bugger.
My mum did this to me, though I'm not sure my dad had an affair at the time.
I wish she hadn't and I'm not particularly close to my dad.

Shagging in the marital bed is really a fucked up thing though.

Why don't you recommend she comes on here? You don't have to say that you are here. Tell her she'd get some really good advice.

It's completely different advising a friend to advising your mum. It's in your interest that they stay together and it would go against everything to spy on him. She needs other people to point things out to her; it's just not fair on you.

Does she need proof? Will she leave if she finds proof but stay if she doesn't?

It's a very difficult and unfair position to put you and your DB in.