Dh and I arguing about where to live

[orangeandemons]

We've just sold our house.

We talked about where we were going to live before we sold it. Please bear in mind, that I am the sort of person who likes to take one decision and stick with it, dh likes to explore opportunities...I find this very stressful.

Dd is due to go to the very oversubscribed junior school in Septemebr, so we intended to stay local.

Dh has now found houses outside catchment area, as he says it doesn't matter, as dd will still get in. I don't think this is true. These houses are also severely affected by snow in the winter, which means it would be very difficult to get dd home from school, as buses frequently stop running and roads close. If we stayed local she could walk home.

He wants a garage. I'm not bothered. I want a garden, he's not bothered. I am exhausted trying to stick with what I want. He changes his criteria all the time. Mine never changes. He says I'm being unrealistic, awkward and looking for all the bad things. I say I know what I want, and prefer to stick with it. Am so stressed out with all the differences.

Well, I assume you couldn't find one you both liked within the catchment area, or this wouldn't be a problem.

So what is the attraction for the non-catchment areas ones for him? What criteria has he changed - is the garage thing new?

He changes all the time. The new attraction for him, is that it's a bungalow. He has suddenly decided he wants to live in a bungalow. But I wouldn't even look at houses outside the catchment area as it seems pointless. But I am being awkward apparently.

He has always wanted a garage. But my priorities in a house don't seem to be anywhere near his, and his change all the time anyway. I'm exhausted with it....and we haven't even moved..

So basically the main point you've got to resolve is he doesn't want to prioritise the catchment area/walk to school, and you do. Everything else about bungalows and garages and gardens is just noise. Hm. I don't know what you do about that. Are you definitely sure moving out would threaten her place and can you prove that to him?

Have you thought about posting this in AIBU, by the way? Nothing wrong with it being here, only people are usually more terrierlike forensic over there and will be able to get to the bottom of the problem quicker.

I do think your DD's school place would indeed be threatened if you move outside of the catchment area before the place is taken up and your DD starts school. I'm sure I've come across cases where places have been taken away for this.

You will need to check the local authority's website for the small print and perhaps also check with the school.

I agree that moving the thread may get some better advice.

Have phoned education authority and her place would be fine. But, I have always felt strongly that dc should attend local school as they are then in the heart of community. Also one of the reasons we are moving is there are no other dc near us, and I would like dd to have friends where we live.

It is like dealing with quicksand, as soon as we agree something he moves on it. I end with horrid anxiety because I need to know things for certain

Have you ever sat down together and each written a list of what you're looking for? Putting it in black and white might help and then if he starts moving the goal posts you can refer back to it and remind him when you sat down and thoughtfully considered everything what the things were that were the priories? Each write a list, put at the top the non negotiable things like catchment area, number of bedrooms, garden and garage. Then the things that you would like but could compromise on ie local facilities, south facing garden, how much work needs done to the place etc and then combine the lists.

For what it's worth I grew up in a village that was six miles away from my school and I hated it. I always felt like I was missing out as I'd come into school the next day and have to listen to stories about what all my friends had done the night before (even though it was usually a game of kerby or playing in someone's garden).

Anxiety is rotten, isn't it. Do you have any help with that? I assume it comes up in other situations as well.

chirp's is a good idea - and stick the lists on the fridge. I have a similar story as well, we moved when I was 8, only a small move in distance terms but it was from the centre of a village to the other side of a big busy road from it, and it definitely contributed to me feeling more insular. It's nice to feel in the swim of a local community, not just so you can see friends but to gain early bits of independence like popping to the corner shop etc.

I think it might be useful to start with an agreement that your next house will only be one that BOTH of you are happy with. It might take the pressure off the situation. I would also caution against feeling pressurised to buy something. I did this and ended up with a bungalow I loathe and to move again will be an e

The issue does seem to be local to school & accessibility. Do you both work or do you share the school drop off & pick-ups. My thin

Sorry - posted too soon.
If you are mostly responsible for school pickups then I think it's important your DH listens to your thoughts since it will mostly impact you.
We moved to a bungalow because we had sold and needed to move. I loathe it and to move again will be so expensive. Don't make a decision unless you are happy.

Also, this is totally not good advice but in all honesty I ended up over-riding DP on certain things (commuting times, basically) when we were house-hunting. I was drawing up spreadsheets and factoring in walking times and interchanges and working out which journey planners were accurate - and I knew he wasn't taking in any of it or envisaging what the journeys would actually be like. He would suddenly find unacceptable a commute I'd explained to him in detail before and he'd been fine with, and fixate on some tiny feature of it that hadn't ever bothered him before.

So in the end after ruling in and out lots of areas several times I just put it to him that I knew a lot more about this than he did, and told him what commute I thought he would find reasonable and he was good enough to take me at my word. And he loves his commute now because I researched it thoroughly and knew it would suit him. So I don't feel too bad about my railroading. Is there any sense in which your DH would accept it if you just said to him "I just know we would have a better family life and DD would have a better childhood if we lived in this area, I am good at sensing these things, trust me on this?"

At least you are both agreed on moving... you should try living in our house at the moment

This is all about bargaining ime and the fact that you are too rigid and he changes his mind all the time is preventing that from happening. You need to compromise - both of you - and i know that's easier said than done.

We have a tick list of 'must haves' and 'nice to haves'. I have to say that schooling is very important to me and something i would not compromise on. It's my trump card that always overrides my DH. That said, you DD already has her place guaranteed, so perhaps you could compromise by looking at different areas outside of the catchment. I also like en suites, but think i would compromise if it had a south facing garden.... or a garage....

If the school place has been allocated it will not be taken away because you move.

I am interested in MadBusLady's post.

I have often wanted to say something like "I just know" - but more rudely.

DP is an optimist, which is great because he brings dreams and possibilities into the house. I am more facty-experiency-picky-picky which can mean - only can - that in some cases we need to just goddamn do it my way, because his way will only work if the stars align.

I have not found a way to express this. I think (well I would) that I am perfectly fair about which situations are the ones where I should put my foot down. But I have not found a way to do this that does not cause bad feeling.

Curry eater, that is just like us. I am more practical and...well sensible. I do all pickups, so I would be the one getting her home every night. And believe me, when it snows round here, it really snows. We seem to always catch it, as we are practically central in the country. So East, west, north snow will always always dump on us.

I am much much more cautious than dh, and he is IMO much much more rash. He is impulsive and doesn't think things through. I evaluate and chew it over for ever until it is sorted in my mind. The I know what I want

But thanks for all the posts on catchment and schooling. Dd is an only so I really want her to have friends on the street.

I think a list is the way to go. Desirable and essential criteria here we come...