Toughen me up please - friend taking the piss

[springymater]

I have a very old friend. She was actually my (toxic) sister's close friend, but they dramatically fell out. S and I met again through another context and live very close-by. She is like family, in a way, because we go back so far.

When I first moved here, she was all over me (still friends with toxic sister at that stage). When she heard I belonged to a very exclusive gym, she was all over me on the days I went to said gym. She was obvious about it - ie she used me to get an invite to the gym. I confronted her about it, and she went nuts, absolutely NUTS.

So no relationship for a long time (I can see her garden from my house ffs!). I had been going through an horrific divorce and over the years I wondered if I had been too hasty re the gym business, got her wrong. We met again in an entirely different context and, again, she was all over me, gushing about how lovely it was to have me back in her life...

That lasted like a shooting star (like last time) - but she is again all over me when she wants something. I have had some awful stuff going down re my kids and she's nowhere to be seen. But when she wants something, she is blatant about it. She's just got a new puppy and she almost advertises she's inviting me round so she has a safe bet for looking after her puppy when she's at work/on holiday.

I'm embarrassed to say she has also become rude to me, especially in public. I am making some curtains for her (...) and needed to do some measurements. She had another friend there and, once I'd taken the measurements, she irritably barked 'yes! can you help you!', like I was an emloyee or something - and it was clearly time for me to go! Another time she had a big strop in front of my friends that she'd 'better do blah because there'll be hell to pay if I don't!' I don't know what she's talking about. I was so embarrassed. It's bullying.

yet I was once short of money/food and she went to the supermarket to get me some food and wouldn't hear of me paying her back. (Was she buttering me up to keep me a safe bet for when she needs something?? See, it makes me cynical, though I took it on face value at the time.)

I feel like I've stepped on the edge of crater and I'm sliding in, shingle under my feet. I'm trying to scrabble my way back out. I'm making the curtains because I owe her for something she did for me. I also adore that puppy, and it's mutual, a great solace during my currently horrible time . It's handy having her close-by but I do need to handle her, I don't want to entirely fall out.

Give me a grip, somebody. She absolutely refuses to entertain confrontation of any kind.

Back away quietly OP, she sounds unpleasant and unsettling to be around. You are not a servant, don't let her treat you like one! She sounds all over the place and like she needs you to fulfil some strange role in her dramas... I think however tempting it is to cling to someone when you're going through a horrible time, but she's upsetting you too, and you don't need that now.

Yes, it's like everyone in her life is only there to play a role.

I have backed away quietly - the recent resurgence is because she has a new dog and she thinks 'now, who can look after this dog for me...'

It doesn't work the other way around, either. I had some foreign students coming to stay and I couldn't be there when they arrived. I asked her to let them in, settle them down, heat up the food I'd prepared and give it to them (she has foreign students too so she knew the score and when I asked she said she was happy to do it). I left a good present as 'payment'. She apparently let them in and then left - no food, no settling them in. She took the present!

I think you have to mentally clear the slate about this one. Forget the long history, the dog, the sister connection etc. You owe her nothing and are under no obligation. Bland pleasantries only if she's too close to be safely ignored.

BTW If you regard her as 'family', maybe take a leaf out of Jane Eyre... and keep her locked in the metaphorical attic so that she doesn't burn your metaphorical house down.

I think you need to slowly back away out of this one as well. What you are getting out of this relationship just isn't worth the hassle.

Be friendly, be polite, but don't ask her to help you so you don't feel obliged to her and don't do things for her either. Much better.

You are saving her £100s by making her curtains so I wouldn't bat an eyelid about dumping her once they're finished ( assuming you really feel indebted to her and can't get out of it?).

No need for confrontation springy. Melt away. Is there a local animal shelter or Blue Cross centre where you can volunteer to help with dogs instead?

You had her measure over the curtain measuring. In her mind you do not have equal status, she does see you as a commodity Unfortunately its not even as high as an employee because they get paid whereas you are treated to the occasional show of affection or favour like a pet.
Do the curtains and back away as others have said, no need for a big scene she can out do anyone on that score. Just be more unavailable and she will stop conatacting you once you have nothing to offer her. Volunteer at a local dog shelter.

She's just going to carry on taking the piss if you stay in touch with her (even if you try and toughen up but try to stay in touch).

Finsih the curtains, hand them over to her and then find excuses not to be able to help.

If you find yourself in a situation where you need a hand, figure out who else you could turn to, widen your social circle if needed, but if you turn to her again, you'll just end up feeling indebted again.

And volunteering at a dog shelter sounds like a great idea!

Thakns for replying. Relatively small situation, granted - it's one of those situations I can't quite get my head around (proverbial headfuck) - probably because it's a long-standing 'friendship'. YOu tend to get stuck in old patterns with old friendships, I guess?

I regularly back out. ahven't seen her for about 2 years, properly. Apart from the time she took me to the movies as a birthday present - and spent the entire time on her blackberry. I'm embarrassed that I'm taking this shit tbh! I can see that her going mental the last time I confronted her has inhibited me - I'm frightened to speak.

the curtains are a fair swap for something she did for me. She has also just dumped a very longstnaidng partner. She had another in the wings. That's her all over - everyone serves a purpose or she doesn't bother. She is absolutely blatant about using people. Clearly doesn't see anything wrong with it.

I'm not sure what your dilemma is really - she's a hardfaced user, and no friend to anyone.
Finish the curtains, and never see her again if you can help it.

Yes, I've been very naive - I seem to be stuck in a groove with this one. Old stuff? There is no way in a million years I'd put up with this shit in a newer friendship. I'd be off at the first sign, no hard feelings, just off!

there's a fable/poem about this somewhere isn't there? a young man who was dominated by another; then went on to become a celebrated warrior; then met the bully on the battlefield and cringed all over again.

Tis mighty embarrassing, I must say. I'm cringing at my cringing and confusion.

But not stuck in a groove for much longer, don't worry!

Curtains finished, then it's Ta Ta!

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

That's that then.

I don't understand the quandary. You don't like her, you don't get anything out of the relationship (except possibly martyrdom, is that appealing?), she seems to have no redeeming features...

Why are you torn exactly? Ok, she lives near you, but a civil hello over the fence doesn't require emotional engagement. Just stop answering her calls, don't plan anything, don't offer anything. Think of her like an acquaintance (in fact, rename her in your head).

I have a rule with people in my life: I don't go where I'm not wanted/welcome. You should try it, it's quite useful - life's too short to put up with other people's shit.