BIL and the wedding. What to do.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

I've been with dp for almost 2 years now and we're getting married in August. I have dcs from a previous marriage and we are expecting a baby in October.

We're having a tiny ceremony, family only, so just our parents, brothers and sisters and all the associated dcs.

Unfortunately dp has had a falling out with his brother.

I'm trying not to drip feed. I've known dp for about 5 years. When I first knew him he was married with no dcs. We became friends. Nothing ever happened between us that was not merely friendship, although he would talk to me about his marital problems he never made any kind of move on me.

He decided to leave his wife and very soon afterwards we did start sleeping together. But I didn't want a relationship at that point (my divorce was just finalising and I wanted to be single for a bit), so we were both just being lonely together. It was all very honest and brilliant. After a couple of weeks I broke it off and said I wanted to just do the friend thing and not the FWB. He said no problem and backed off straight away.

A couple of months later I felt more stable and we decided to give it a go. 2 years later we are blissfully happy. But I can see how people would think that we had an affair or that he left his wife for me.

Fastforward to now and after initially being very supportive to dp when he first split from his wife, BIL did a u-turn and essentially stopped speaking to dp after about a month. At first he agreed that dp was doing absolutely the right thing as their marriage was clearly unhappy to everyone. Then nothing.

A year ago dp tried to initiate communication with BIL by writing him a letter saying he was very hurt, but it was probably a misunderstanding, and could BIL tell him what the issue was so they could sort it.

Got a reply saying that he had no issue, BIL was offended by the suggestion that there was an issue, and that he wouldn't have anything more to do with dp.

Sorry about the essay.

BIL has met me once and was distant to the point of rude. He has never acknowledged me or the dcs (not even at Christmas with a card or a box of chocs) we send gifts from all of us to his dcs.

The rest of dp's family have welcomed us with open arms. They have been so amazing with my dcs and are always telling me how happy I make dp and how it's so nice to have their son back (dp's ex didn't like his family at all).

So... We have invited BIL and sil and their dcs to the wedding. Dp tried to phone them twice to ask in person but they wouldn't answer and it's now been two weeks with no reply to the messages left. Dp's family have asked him if they are coming he says he doesn't know. Sil (bil's wife) phoned dp's sister and hurled a tirade of abuse at her for trying to suggest that BIL speak to dp.

Facebook has been involved (Bil's wife) but we've stayed out of it. It's all very alien to me. I'm in my 30s. I don't know anyone else who would rant and rave at someone on a public forum. And yes I can't help but judge.

So now BIL has told the family that he is not talking to dp because of something he said to him, about me, before he and his ex wife split up. I'm assuming it's along the lines of him finding me attractive, or possibly my very childish advice when they did split up that he needed to go out and shag around for a bit (not with me).

Either way (as dp's lovely sister said) no matter what happened BIL getting upset about someone else's relationship and turning it into a huge grudge is not on.

So... I want to support dp but I've got a lot on. Work, dcs, pregnancy etc. it's starting to get to me. Whenever he talks to his family there is pressure to sort things (dp WANTS to sort things), I end up short of breath and shaking and I need to back away.

In all honesty I blame myself. I hate that I am the reason dp has lost his brother. Bil's wife seems to be causing a lot of the problems (after they split she developed a friendship with dp's ex wife, having told the rest of the family that they must support dp and distance themselves she went on to meet her in secret, all very odd).

I just wanted a small stress free wedding. I don't even know if they'll be there. If they are it will be my first meeting with SIL, and she clearly loathes me. We invited them to make dp's family happy, but now I'm miserable and so is dp.

I just need to find a way to get through this bit. There isn't really a question. Just please help. I'm all out of strength and I don't know how to cope. Dp is very supportive but I don't want to lean on him when he hurts so much.

[Lavenderhoney]

My dsis made a big drama about whether or not she would come to our wedding, and it was fed by family who wanted her there to complete the family picture.

My dh after months of her umming and fussing about who was going to drive her ( scared of driving in Europe, fair enough, arranged a driver) hotel not up to her standards etc, said ok, we have to know by sat if you are coming to book rooms. She didnt, so we didnt book.

Cue much calling from parents to " call her and get her to come" and angst about how she would miss it etc etc. I refused to engage, just as advised or discuss it. We got on perfectly fine before my engagement and pregnancy.

I also had a baby a couple of months before the wedding, and I think she was just attention seeking. I'm sorry to say she didn't send a card or letter, flowers, nothing.

Don't let it spoil your day. You can't do anything about them and they would probably spoil it anyway.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Right. Deadline on email in place (if we don't hear by Sunday we'll have to assume a no), and sent.

Thank you so much for all the kind messages. I just hope we get some kind of resolution :)

[Wowserz129]

Let us know how things go. Hopefully you hear nothing and you can assume he isn't coming which might be for the best. Your BIL sounds like a drama queen who should keep his nose out!

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Well, here's a bit of a surprise (that has earned BIL some much needed respect), he didn't just message back, he actually picked up the phone

Last night, out of the blue, he called and had a long chat with dp. I'll skim over the less respect-earning bits (he never fell out with dp apparently, it was the rest of the family interfering and ruining it all etc) and end on the semi-positive note that whilst he has no problem with me at all and wishes us lots of luck he needs space right now so they won't be coming to the wedding.

So, disaster averted and now we can use those stock responses Aussie gave us below, to deflect anyone else's comments.

I think it might have been very telling that he called on his way home from work rather then with SIL present. Dp said he was very emotional throughout the conversation. I do feel he's probably being pressurised, which is very sad.

So all is... Sort of well? I think? Either way the fact they're not coming makes for a less stressful wedding. We just need to work on minimising any dramatics from here on in.

Thank you so much for all the responses. They've really helped.

[captainmummy]

Glad it's worked out OP - lol at him needing space! :)

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Captain, I have to say I did have a bit of a chuckle at that. It is also from a long history of complaints about too much family interest followed closely by complaints about a lack of family interest.

It must be exhausting to live with so much drama and such a victim complex.

I do hope that at some point they grow up a bit and things can all be amicable.

I have considered making sure I send them a wedding gift list even though we're not planning on having a list at all

[cornypedicure]

he needs space? So he's still trying to make it all about him. He sounds like a real pain in the arse!

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Yup. It's all competitive nonsense too. The most stressed, most picked on, most misunderstood. I don't think it occurs to him that everyone has their own stresses and strains in life.

I am beginning to think that his wife may well have forbidden him from attending and this excuse puts the blame on the family members who have tried to help, rather than taking responsibility himself.

I am very relieved, it would have been very hard having people there who didn't believe in us as a couple.

[Lavenderhoney]

Great op, an answer at last.

Family- if anyone asks just say they decided not to come, for reasons personal to them and it is nothing to do with you and your wedding. Then if people persist in gossiping say " no I don't know their personal reason, bil is perfectly friendly with us, if he wants you to know, then I'm sure he'll tell you and I don't want to discuss it"

Then say " anyway, about my wedding" and refuse to engage in talking about them. For their ( bil) sake as well as yours.

Why doesn't your dh invite bil on his own or with sil round for coffee or something before the wedding or after for a chat? To ensure they are still friends and to support if anything is wrong you don't know about.

My in laws found it very odd my family are so odd(!) as they all get on and support each other. They had no idea how to deal with it at all. So I ( well, dh) told them to best keep out of it.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Sounds like good advice lavender. Unfortunately we live quite a way away, so no chance of just a coffee.

[DewDr0p]

I'm glad he called OP. Sounds like a good outcome?

Hope this is a positive sign that they will be able to sort things out between them in time.

Have a fabulous day!

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Thanks Dew, I truly hope we will, and that no one mentions their absence for that one day.

I do think they'll sort things out at some point.

I suppose the next interesting bit will be whether they acknowledge this dc when she/he is born. And if they do and continue to pretend my dc don't exist, how we'll cope at that point. But that is a problem for another day! Dp has continued to send his DNephews birthday and christmas presents throughout, and I know he misses seeing him a lot.

I also know that he is very hurt that BIL won't acknowledge his SDCs (not with huge presents, but won't even speak their names or send a card or ask how things are going). I think that might be made worse by the fact that dp (being new to this parenting malarky and having been thrown in the deep end with my lovely lot) would have really liked to share experiences with BIL and ask his advice etc.

I do feel sad for him.

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Heavily I do understand that. BIL and SIL were not friends with the ex prior to the split. There had actually been a lot of animosity between them and ex.

When I say we were friends we weren't in constant communication. We'd maybe have a coffee and chat once every few weeks, sometimes with ex there, sometimes not. She always knew where he was. And it was more often a group of us than one on one. I think he confided in me because he knew I'd been to relate etc with my ex and wanted to know about it. I advised him to do it, to communicate and get things sorted. Ex wouldn't go to relate, as she wouldn't acknowledge a problem. He did ask what other options there were. I advised him to keep talking.

He very much wanted to save his marriage. He was also asking advice of BIL who admitted that dp had already tried everything he could suggest.

I don't know if these details are relevant. I had a lot going on in my own life at the time and my focus was elsewhere.

I suppose what dp is most hurt about is that ex has put out various lies about him and BIL has never asked him his version. But has repeated the lies to other family members. He's also hurt that BIL doesn't know him better.

[Aussiebean]

A good update op and I hope it all goes well.

At my wedding my bridesmaids kept my toxic mother away from me and my maid of honour took my sis in law and told her to stop constantly talking about her own wedding in a year and a halls time.

So get close friends with a bit of guts to take people aside when needed to tell people that today is about the joyous wedding. Not bil.

[springytate]

Thank goodness that is sorted, then.

imo you have a bambino in your tummy and NOTHING is worth the stress. Create a safe haven for yourself - turn away from goings on and family stress. BIL thinks this or that? turn away. DP upset about BIL? turn away. Politely, but turn away. He's not coming, that's that.

Have a great day

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Aussie, more good advice. I might actually say to those likely to say anything that it's really important that the wedding NOT be any kind of symbol of rift. So I need no mention of absentees on the day. Might be worth pointing out my stress levels too, so they can see not mentioning as a protective act, rather than an act of exclusion.

Either way will prep a couple of people to change the subject vigorously if needed.

Springy, I will do my best. Dp has taken on board that I'm struggling. He's asked if I want him to keep it all from me, but I'd rather know what was going on. So he's giving me short highlights rather than having the conversations in front of me. Which is more manageable.

So... Onwards and upwards! I have a lot to organise! :)

[YouKnowOfTheCrunch]

Well so far so good (I think), DP is happy and has passed on to family that things are sorted and he and BIL are on speaking terms (despite not physically speaking).

He does need to work on not engaging on the subject, but he is trying.

SIL has deleted dp from the dreaded Facebook, so I think she's made her stance very clear and has no interest in reconciling.

It would be very easy to put the responsibility for all of this on SIL as the driving force. She is certainly involved in actively separating BIL from his family's support. Having been in an Abusive marriage maybe I'm too wary of red flags, but it all seems odd.

On my health front, I don't start shaking when the topic arises. Which is great. And wedding plans are now moving forwards. Dp's family are still focusing on BIL, but hopefully that will dissipate soon. It does sadden me when the focus is all on the negatives and none on the positives.

But then I am hormonal too!