Support/Advice Needed Please: just dumped 5 months pregnant after 5 years together

[ScrewIt]

Hi

I don't really know what I expect anyone to say but I don't know what to do.

My EP had been increasingly distant recently, snapping at me, picking fights, won't be intimate or affectionate (in any way), the usual crap. Anyway yesterday it all came to a head when we were getting ready for a midwife visit. I was cleaning & tidying the house & he was being petty and picking fights & then he just found some excuse to blow up & said he hated me, the baby was the biggest mistake of his like and it was over. He pressured me into trying for this baby now, I'd wanted to wait.

After the visit he went and sat in a different room and I went to work, as I heard nothing from him all day I met a friend for dinner after work and then went home. When I came home he was still shut away in a room ignoring me and so I just went to bed and left him to it.

Anyway my problem is this, my sister and her family have come here on holiday to visit me & we've booked accom there and are supposed to be heading off in the morning to meet them. I don't want to spoil her holiday by either going & it causing a depressing/awkward atmosphere or not going and letting her kids down. I make a rule of arguments being private and not involving family but obv he said it was over so that makes it a bit more than your run of the mill fight.

I wasn't sure if he meant it at the time but that he's just ignored me since suggests he does. Thinking back he's been miserable and distant for weeks and won't even kiss me so that's a good sign its really over.

I've not tried to talk to him for 2 reasons. Firstly he loves a good fight & since yesterdays shouting match I've had what feels like a permanent stitch where the baby is lying so I don't want any more stress as I'm sure its channellng straight to the baby.

Secondly I feel as though it should come from him. Either he's playing some sort of control game as he knows its a really awkward time to pull this shit & so I have to go running to him to sort it out - even though I've seriously done nothing wrong. Or he really wants it to be over in which case there's nothing to say. Or he doesn't want it to be over in which case he should come apologise & it shouldn't be me having to pander to him.

I don't know what to do. If I should go with a 'I deserve better than this screw you I'm just going to get on with it as I don't need you' or a 'We're having a baby together I need to just swallow it and try to sort it out'?

I'm sorry that's so long and if it seems trivial I'm just so confused.

Go with the "screw you" attitude.

He sounds like a knob.

Sorry cant be much use, someone far wiser will be along shorty.

Oh and it's definitely not trivial - he pressured you into having a baby and is now acting like a prize prick. I'd be distraught.

Could you head over and see your sister and family by yourself? Maybe spending time with people who love and care about you would help. Let him stew in his own juices.

Thanks for responding.

I could go I just don't want to put a dampner on their holiday. Obv I would make an effort and not be moping around but worry his absence & the whole situation would cause an atmosphere.

I also hate that my family would know whats going on and then worry about me - as a ilve in the other end of the country. I guess that can't be avoided though.

can't you just make an excuse for him so you don't have to tell them yet?

He's ill, has to work?

Your sister will be glad to see you whatever, and will understand if you're not your cheery self. Worrying about things and keeping it to yourself won't improve the situation. And I know that in the past I've kept relationship problems from family and friends, in the hope that it'll get better and was a storm in a teacup. But the way you've described things recently, it sounds as if the relationship with your partner is not going well. Perhaps getting away from the situation for a few days will give you the time and space you need to think what's best for you and the bubba.

I could make excuses & cover for him, but if this is how he wants to go on then I don't want to, I want him to have to deal with the consequences (even if that means I have to also).

I've been a bit oblivious to the problems, its not been an easy pregnancy. He's been complaining that I do f-all around the house and I'm lazy. Its true I've done much but I've been ill and tired and working full time (its only leveling out the last couple of weeks) so its not laziness. He said he feels unattractive because he's recently gained weight & that's why no intimacy which I took at face value. He also lost his job recently which has added to the stress. He does have another one but has been waiting weeks for a start date.

Looking back though it seems like the writing was on the wall. I just can't believe I've been so stupid. I knew it wasn't the right time to start trying for a baby and wanted to wait a year but he insisted it was now or never. Now he wants to bail on me. I can't believe this is happening.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low, but you're definitely not stupid. You've had a hard time of it, and frankly I think your partner is being a selfish shit. It sounds like he's been moaning at you instead of supporting you and this last bombshell is the icing on the cake. It does sound like he's been distancing himself. Do you feel like you can patch things up, would you want to?

I would be willing to meet him half way to sort it if he wanted to. We'd had a talk and he'd tld me his frustrations a week ago so I made a big effort but it seemed the more effort I made the less he did and now this.

I can't force it and feel like it should really come from him but he's obviously in one. This is why I want to avoid my family finding out in case it can be sorted. But I don't want to be a door mat or constantly pandering to his mood swings which is why I'm thinking maybe I need to just let him get on with it and see I'm not dependent on him and I'm not going to take it. Or am I supposed to be the bigger person because we're having a child so there's no point in being stubborn & caught up in who's right & who's wrong? Aah!!

I'd do things in this precise order:

1 Check his phone. Sounds like he's playing around.

1. Go on the hols without him, confide in your family and get some support.

Call his bluff and ask him to be gone by the time you get back.

*told

I like lists!

TBH if he wasn't constantly skint & moping around the house I would be sure he was messing around. I suppose it could be an online dalliance, he's defo having a baby-commitment freak out which often leads to cheating.

You go to work.

He could be anywhere while you're there.

Affairs don't have to cost any dosh as long as the people have got their own premises.

Does he stay up late on his tablet/laptop?

Secretive with his phone?

Please don't be the only person working on your relationship. You sound worn down by it all. Don't let him trample on you. Surround yourself with supportive people who have your best interests at heart.

Sorry to hear your partner is being such a dick - go without him, be with family. I think you may be right about the whole control thing.
I get what you say about not wanting to involve family but I'm sure your sister would want to know if you needed her support or just someone in your corner.
I think you're doing the right thing in not engaging, especially if he is argumentative. Go tomorrow and consider how you can go forward - you sound amazing and sensible and you don't need this crap.

This is true. Though the no 1 sign I've always though is taking more pride in their appearance which he defo hasn't been.

He's always been kind've secretive with his phone, less so recently if anything, leaves it lying around more now where he never used to. No more secretive than me though - we're not a phone sharing type couple. Plus I've just had a quick check of his online bill (I pay it) and there's no new number he's calling a lot.

He stays up late watching TV (no laptop or tablet) I think that's to spend less time with me though.

I won't rule out cheating though, I know it happens and he's not getting any sexy time at home.

Thanks guys.

I guess I'd better get some sleep, the ball is in his court, I can't make him not be a dick so I guess I just have to play the hand he's dealt me. This is his to fix, I can't.

Shall check back for any more pearls in the morning and then give my sister a call and let her decide if she wants me to come anyway or not.

Your advice is appreciated.

Even if he's not mucking about, can you really forgive him for the upset and hurt he's causing you? Are you imagining things will settle down when the baby arrives or are you understandably daunted by the thought of having the baby on your own?

No I;ve seen loads of threads over the years on Mumsnet where men who'd put on weight and were feeling bad about their appearnce had affairs.

The key thing is his phone behaviour has changed, along with all his other behaviour.

Look for the PAYG phone then. He won't be using his normal one because he knows you pay the bills.

Have you had the STI tests done yet during your pregnancy?

Op, am glad that you are not taking his behaviour on as your responsibility. I agree, see sister, mention his tantrum, and le him stew. Start to think through the different ways this could go, what would be your expectations and plans in either situation.
If he is depressed, he still needs to take responsibility for sorting himself some help and not abusing you. Not sure if you said he had been low, but could be another explanation for the mood swings, weight gain. Or not. But no excuse for his behaviour.

Good morning.

Of course the thought of having a baby on my own is daunting but the thought of having a child have to cope with, or worse still be influenced by, these kind of mood swings is even more so. I'm more scared of not having a sound environment than I am of being alone. Its a shame I'm so far from family but I'll cross that bridge nearer the time.

I don't want to be one of those obsessed snooping is he cheating types so I'm not going down that road. I'm not ruling it out but he's treating me like crap, with no regard for the fact that stressing me out stresses the baby out - that's bad enough I think.

He may be a bit depressed but as you said that's no excuse.

I think I just needed to be sure that my reaction was right - which was to say you get on with it mate, I'll be fine without you. I wasn't sure if now I have a LO on the way I should be less stubborn or try harder to make him see sense. Nobody seems to be advocating that so I feel better about letting him deal with the outcome of his outburst. Its hard to trust my own judgement sometimes with so many hormones flying around.

Normally I say to myself what would you advise a friend to do & do it but I truly had no idea this time. A baby changes everything.

Right I have a phone call to make, some quick packing, a drive and a wet campsite to get to! I wouldn't say I was feeling good about things but I'm defo feeling capable, which will do.

Thank you all again.

I'm so glad you've decided to go. Try and enjoy yourself and hopefully time away will give you some clarity about what's right for you.

You go girl!