I need some hand-holding on long-standing father issues. It will be long as I am trying to avoid drip-feeding.
I am estranged from my father. He is abusive and used to hit my sisters and me and mentally torture the whole family. He has also always been an aggressive problem drinker. He has not had a stable job for the past two decades.
He made my childhood hell, so I ran away from home when I was 15 and never went back. My mother supported me financially and father never kept in touch. I did not so much cut him out of my life - it is more that he has not contacted me for nearly 15 years now, although my parents? marriage carried on. I was rather relieved about this, to be honest ? I went through therapy and did a lot of thinking about what happened and I think my wounds are healed, as much as they can be.
I came to Britain in my early twenties to visit a bf and I am still here nearly a decade on. We got married and had DS a couple of years ago. I go back to visit my parents every now and then. They split up a few months ago after well over 30 years together. My father threatened to kill my DM and she finally left for good. They are going through a divorce at the moment and the police are involved. My father is a coward, so he is playing nicely because he is scared of the authorities. I am beyond delighted that my wonderful, talented, kind mother is finally free of him. Lundy is my hero; the book helped my DM so much, she was out before she finished reading it.
The problem is, father is now making tentative moves towards having a relationship with my family and me. When I last went to visit, he invited me over for dinner with DS and we went accompanied by my sister. He played a doting grandfather and my sweet wonderful DS was chasing him around shouting, ?grandpa, grandpa!?. I don?t really know why I felt obliged to go ? I really do not think he has anything positive to contribute to my life. When we are around, he also makes a point of buying expensive toys for DS.
As you can imagine, he also has a way of re-writing history. His script at the moment is as follows: the marriage breakdown is entirely my mother?s fault; his non-existent relationship with his daughters is all her fault too, as she has always been possessive (DM is anything but, bless her). I have not, in fact, ran away from home screaming wearing just the clothes on my back, oh no. He encouraged me to move countries and study abroad as there are few opportunities in my hometown (load of crap ? plenty of opportunities in my area). This could not be further from the truth, it is drivel designed to keep him happy. I don?t even particularly care if he chooses to believe this, but I am not interested in listening to it or in challenging it.
I do not want to see him anymore. I know ?no? is a complete sentence, but what do I do when I next go to visit and he phones again to see if I want to pop in for dinner? I really have no interest in fostering any kind of relationship with him, but DH thinks I should make an effort. Why?
Can I find a polite way of telling my father to fuck to the far side of fuck off and then fuck off some more? I really am no longer angry with him - I just don?t want to feel obliged to spend time with him. I could really do with some collective MN wisdom and a large grip, thank you for staying awake through this mammoth post. Please, help me grow a pair or convince me I should endure his company for greater good.